Thursday, February 03, 2011
Landers, The Laptop
December 25, 2008 - January 31, 2011. Landers dyed peacefully in his home after a long battle with a broken vagina. He was two years old. At the moment of his passing, he was surrounded by dog dander and banana vomit, thanks to several weeks of not vacuuming and the fact that Nintendo was trying to kill Cat. More on that exciting news later. Landers was born in an Acer manufacturing facility in 2008 and was purchased as a Christmas present by Gray for Cat, both because of his respect for her exceptional writing talent, but also because he dreamed it would result in additional blowies.Gray is still recovering from the loss of that dream. Lander's arrival with the family resulted in Cat's month-long infatuation with different versions of "Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)" on YouTube and an epic battle to un-install Windows Vista before it clawed it's way into Cat's brain and ate her few remaining cells for dinner. Oh, and free internet porn also became a feature of the family's bedroom. Landers is survived by almost every other laptop in the history of the world, as well as a loving family who is choosing to grieve by harassing Craigslist spammers from the computer at work and drinking copious amounts of sparkling apple juice while pretending it's tequila. In lieu of flowers, the family requests that you send ACTUAL tequila. No, really. Cat can't taste it now, so tequila trumps vodka. A memorial service will never be held because of the family's full DVR and Cat's new obsession with power tools. Look for Cat's obituary, coming to blogs near you.