Monday, September 06, 2010

Rest In Peace, Old Friend

Landers is dying of a broken vagina.

Basically what happened was on my way home from BlogHer, I was forced (by Super Shuttle) to sit at the La Guardia airport for four hours before my flight was scheduled to board, so I removed Landers from my bag and set him on my tilty, bar-stool angled lap...AFTER consuming the biggest Guinness ever poured after a bloody mary and the worst chips and salsa ever served...and he slid off of my lap to crash noisily and with much noise onto the floor of the really super awful airport bar/restaurant.

Pieces of plastic flew.

Several nerds wept.

Someone joked about how he never dropped his desktop computer...

I picked Landers up and brushed the shredded lettuce off of him.

The poor boy seemed to be fine, if only a little embarrassed, which was nothing I couldn't cure by drinking another bloody mary, and we continued on our merry way home.

But then he developed raised welts on his genitals. Then the welts started oozing. Then a colony of fire ants took up residence in his underwear. Which is to say that when I dropped him, the DC-in jack must have been yanked loose because Landers will no longer charge without the help of some very sturdy walls and an incredibly heavy cord-pusher-inner.

My laptop has an STD and it's killing him.

All of this to say that I missed my two-year blog anniversary on Saturday because I don't have internet access at home anymore, at least that I can use without laying upside down on the floor with one leg wedged in between Landers and the wall, simultaneously wiggling the AC power cord and trying to search for porn.

So today is my blog anniversary, I just decided. Hooray! And in honor of the occasion (as well as to calm our broken-hearted tears of loss and regret), you should go check out these links from the past:

2008 - "That one time when I was knocked up"
2009 - "The last time I forgot my blog anniversary"