Spammers Beware. Or, You're Welcome For Making Your Day, Asshole.

I received this email in response to my Craigslist ad in which I'm attempting to sell my kitchen chandelier:

***

From: Biddick Critchley biddickdy@hotmail.com
Subject: Chandelier - $45 (Shakopee)
To: sale-7z3bs-2191393649@craigslist.org
Date: Wednesday, February 2, 2011, 11:41 AM

he gave his overcoat to a pregnant bhhwenco

***

Of course I responded, partly because I love babies and pregnant bellies SO FUCKING MUCH, but also because spammers make me want to kill myself out of pity:

***

RE: Chandelier - $45 (Shakopee)

Oh my goodness, that is so exciting! Please congratulate him for me! What a gentleman, I'm sure he'll make a wonderful father. It's so cold outside, what on earth is an expecting mother doing out without an overcoat? She was probably smoking cigarettes, too, wasn't she? Did you get a picture of her? I'd like to hunt her down and cut the baby out of her.

Oh, and the chandelier is still available! Let me know if you have any other questions!

Cat

***

I haven't gotten a response yet, but I'm sure Mr. Critchley is simply considering his options. I did, however, receive an amazing offer from this gentleman for the same light fixture, and upon first glance, it seemed the the answer to my (never-said) prayers. That is until I realized this spammer was verbally ATTACKING HIS OWN KIND:

***

From: Petrunger Feiner petrungero@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Chandelier - $45 (Shakopee)
To: sale-7z3bs-2191393649@craigslist.org
Date: Friday, February 4, 2011, 6:43 AM

Catherine (insert his use of the wrong last name here),

Do you want to trade? I currently own a webpage where people bid in $0.01 increments to get brand new electronics such as iPads, iPhones, etc for very cheap. I've been looking for your item for awhile and I'm willing to trade for anything you want on the main page. Only favor I ask you is to confirm that you aren't a scammer by signing up and by bidding at least once (which will only cost $0.01). This way you'll be able to reserve what you want before it gets sold out but most essentially so I won't get fucking scammed again! You see, I'm giving you a special link below where if you bid even once, you'll immediately win the item and it'll be shipped but I believe that you'll hold onto the item for me, right? My phone number is listed after you sign in so call me after you bid.

If you aren't interested in trading then that's ok too. But still try it out as people get addicted to it as most pay nothing over $50 on my site. In fact, I just had a lady who bought the newest laptop for $15, no bullshit! :)

inviteonly.org

***

I've got to say, this was a tough offer to refuse because I am a HUGE fan of eco-friendly bartering, and also because of Lander's recent demise, but because Mr. Feiner was so quick to shun his fellow spammers, I responded as such:

***

Re: Chandelier - $45 (Shakopee)

Dear Petrunger Feiner,

No thank you. I don't need an ipad because I've got two cases of Kotex in the bathroom at home, and I certainly would never consider a used laptop - do you have any idea how many germs live in the keyboards of a computer? But I DO need a new vibrator, so if you have an old one laying around, I might consider trading this lovely, modern chandelier for your used vibrator. I'd prefer if the vibrator were pink, but any color will do, and if it has spinning beads or a dildo attachment, I'll throw in the spare light bulbs for free.

Please let me know! Thank you.

Cat

***

I am still waiting for his counter-offer.