Tuesday, April 05, 2011


Here we are, finally in the Month of Operation: Put a Baby In Me.

I think my ovaries are swollen just with that knowledge. I literally cannot think of anything else. I'm obsessed with the eagle nest cams and cry every damn time I see the babies. I watched a DisneyNature film about flamingos and nearly bought one on Ebay before the credits were over before deciding a trip to Lake Natron would be more practical.

I'm fashioning a bunting sack in which to carry around Scary like she's a newborn human. I'm ogling community education brochures and debating the benefits of Yoga over walking clubs. I am DREAMING ABOUT DIAPERS.

And also about being eaten by feral ponies, but that's another issue all together.

I'm trying desperately to keep my expectation waaaaay down low because A) Sure, we got knocked up within one cycle last time, but that's not likely to happen again, especially if I am convinced that it will, and 2) WE KIND OF LOST THAT ONE, so let's not fall in love right away, shall we?

Even if we do spawn on the first try (which, for those of you who've been here before, you know "first try" translates to "five day window where sex-having, fluid-drinking, sex-having again, and ass propping on pillows to encourage sperm to stay in me" are the primary activities), there's always the possibility of miscarriage, something we never even considered the first time because that? WOULD NEVER HAPPEN TO US, right?


So. In short. I am drinking a lot of booze for the next two weeks. I am eating deli meats and drinking coffee like they're being rationed. Our pre-conception appointment is on the 22nd, and after that I'm going on the wagon.

There will be about a week there for my system to clean itself out before Operation: Baby begins, so in case you're keeping track, so after the 26th, if any of you so much as text Gray to ask him a question about a suspiciously-cancerous growth on your testicles, I WILL MURDER YOU IN YOUR SLEEP.

He's all mine, so don't even fucking try to save him.

And also pray for our spawn because Gray's involvement in the genetic process ensures the child will have no chin, and mine...The Nose.