Wednesday, April 06, 2011

We're already doing it wrong

I'd forgotten how quickly the helpful conception/pregnancy/parenthood advice comes rolling in once the announcement of sex/conception/pregnancy/motherhood is proclaimed.

Since I began alerting the media about Operation: I'm a Dirty Mommy Slut, I've been told to
  • Try to incorporate a Rabbit vibrator because "men always love a show"
  • Not to try to get pregnant,  just to "wait and see what happens" because it worked for this particular lady (Clearly she's never met me before. Patience and non-impulsivity skipped over my gene pool).
  • Not only to try to get pregnant, but to try a LOT throughout the entire estimated ovulation window
  • To be sure Gray and I climax simultaneously because...something about the angle of the lady bits is supposed to help in some way
Climax simultaneously. A nice idea.

That sounds a lot like, "Find the hidden pot of gold on the other end of the rainbow, shove all those doubloons in your pockets, then climb the rainbow to reach your diamond-encrusted unicorn which will fly you to your magical castle in the sky where a lifetime supply of Skittles awaits you."

In other words, it sounds great, but HIGHLY IMPLAUSIBLE even under normal circumstances (i.e., when we're not having sex like stoic robots more than once a day for a week, meaning when I'm not having to wear adult diapers just to cushion my pelvic bones from any hard surface upon which I might sit because they are suddenly made of bruises and tears).

On the plus side, I'm still a Verified Conception away from the gory miscarriage stories from misguided friends about complete strangers whose shattered lives I don't really need to know about while I'm busy trying not to miscarry myself. I know this phase is coming, and I've stocked up on hot pink earplugs for the occasion(s).

What I'm saying, I guess, is that people are givers when it comes to unsolicited advice, and I shouldn't be surprised. It's payback time since I am the Queen of "You know what you should do?"

Damn my giant mouth.