Wednesday, May 18, 2011

It feels exactly the same so I'm pretty sure my reproductive organs are staging a bloody coup

Well I'm not pregnant, so that baby bump musta-could-be attributed to the burrito I ate.

I'm most upset because that blows my "burritos are slimming" theory all to hell.

In a grand gesture of Impatience, I went to the doctor and had them perform a blood test to confirm what I already suspected - that Gray's little swimmers aren't so much "swimming" as they are "wearing water wings and splashing each other" - but the results of that blood test proved to be the difference between one margarita with dinner and three margaritas with each course of dinner, so it turned out to be well worth the trouble.

Then OF COURSE I started bleeding like a stuck pig in the middle of that night.

I guess when my uterus realized I was onto its mind games, it decided to wave the red flag and go back to business as usual. Which is fine with me because I've been dying to use those PH balanced tampons ever since BlogHer last year, but I kept forgetting I had them because the package looks like my box of Sponge Bob band aids, and while I've been tempted to use Sponge Bob on my vag before (excuse me, but aren't band aids MADE for things that are bleeding?)...I never did.

I remembered my PH balanced tampons this time because I'm hyper-conscious of my vagina's emotional state this week, but also because I abstained from buying regular old imbalanced tampons in the hopes I wouldn't need them for a while, and so when the blood gushed, it was either 1) Wear the PH balanced tampons or 2) Shove in an old wine cork and hope I don't need the corkscrew to get it out. Then I realized my wine comes with screw tops these days, and that option seemed like unnecessary vaginal torture.

We're trying to make amends, my vag and me.

It wouldn't be a normal "time of the month" if I didn't experience some of the horrifying "chunks down the shower drain, holy god, did my uterus maul a small rodent, what the fuck WAS that?" and then I decided it must have been my remaining shreds of dignity that plopped out.

I'd been looking for those.