Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Twilight Zone (HBO version)

I stayed home yesterday because I said so.

I took Lily on a bike ride to the Minnesota River and she ran and ran and she explored the woods and kicked it through some tall brush and her tongue waggled and she met a great dane and a chihuahua at the same time and when we got home, Scary had burrs in her beard.

What the...?

Then I decided to install our kitchen chandelier because I was tired of live wires dangling from the ceiling. So I spent an hour installing the chandelier. And then I realized I need more than two hands actually install the chandelier. Then I fell off the island, but that was before I drilled through my middle finger.

It bled, like, a lot.

The world's sexiest lawn care guy showed up to kill our dandelions. We thought we had Creeping Charlie. Then someone said no, they're wild violets. Then sexy guy called it Creeping Jenny, which is weird because our neighbor is Jenny and she is the one who referred us to sexy guy for weed removal. Clearly she was suspicious of herself all along and wanted to be sure she didn't creep over into her own yard.

Then two of the world's fattest white people showed up with one of the world's skinniest black kids. They used their big truck to knock over our steel clothes line posts, and when that didn't work (because the posts were anchored enough cement for a bunker), the fat people drove away to find a tobacco shop and left the skinny black kid to do the job himself.

During the hour that ensued, I learned skinny black kid is dating fat white peoples' son/brother whom he met outside of the Gay 90s (LOVE THAT PLACE). Fat white people were "scrappers" and were going to sell the steel for money. Skinny black kid was fat white people's hired help, except that they didn't pay him anything, so really it was kind of like slavery.

He got sweaty, then he took his shirt off. He may have been skinny but he was not even a little bit scrawny. I realized that black skin is lovely when it glistens! And when I told him so, he smiled and said, "If you weren't married..." *insert innuendo here* and I smiled back at him and said, "If you weren't gay," *insert lusty eyes here* and he said, "I'm bi."

And then I died in my driveway because if I weren't married...

Don't worry, he was 19. Totally legal. I think.

It was the weirdest day ever.