Sunday, June 24, 2012

This is all very different.

Every once in a while, someone says, "You should blog about that!" and my reaction is less, "Hell yeah!" than, "Meh."

I'm different than I used to be. And words...they aren't as important to me anymore. I don't really like reading. It's frustrating to me, how slowly the stories unfold. I never feel the urge to write.

Something has changed.

I think it's been happening for a while, really. I think I've been hoping I wasn't morphing into someone else. But I've seen what head trauma does to other people. I should have known I wouldn't be exempt.

I camped this weekend, in a tent, for the first time since my fall in October 2010. Being in the tent is different. Being in a tent now gives me what I refer to as The Spins.

Until now, The Spins has only happened from the direct result of ear drum crystals being knocked loose so they migrate through my ear canals and convince my eyeballs that I'm on a Tilt-O-Whirl. Sometimes it happens when I'm driving and I turn to look over my shoulder before changing lanes.

But all weekend long, morning or night, when I was in the tent, I Spun for no reason. It was alarming. When I crawled out of the tent and stood up, I walked four feet directly to my right as a direct result of my intention to walk four steps forward.

My brain chemistry is different now. My perception of the world is different: more immediate.

And because I no longer have 5 senses, only 3, when my eyes and ears abandon me, I feel very much like a floating balloon.

Perhaps this somehow explains why I no longer write, but mostly I just don't enjoy it anymore.

My friends have changed. More specifically, a combination of my actions and my disinterest in socializing has resulted in a very limited number of people involved in my life. And I like it this way.

I was exhausted before, keeping up with people. I have enough of my own interests, problems, stories...I don't have the patience for anyone else's. If I have a story to tell, I talk to Daylow.

At the end of the week, all I want to do is pull weeds from my garden and drink a beer before noon and watch my dogs fling their own tennis balls in the air.

I am differnt, but I don't think I'm done changing.

While more stable than six months ago, I am in a state of flux. I'm still processing the mistakes I've made in the last year. I'm still coming to terms with the changes I've inflicted upon myself and others. I am getting used to my new body, the twenty extra pounds and (FINALLY) some shoulder-length hair.

And I'm astounded that the biggest mistakes of my life have led me to this place of relative calm. The kind of calm where I (FINALLY) love my job. Where I (FINALLY) am *almost* financially secure-ish. Where I (FINALLY) don't care about pleasing anyone else.

And this state of calm is the antithesis of interesting blog material.