Wednesday, February 11, 2009

I Want 18 Kids Now, Or At Least My Virginity Back

It is Hump Day, but there will be no humping in Casa Zipbagofbones due to an unfortunate combination of Gray's broken arms and the hell spawn that is my period. Ah, to be reminded of my empty uterus. It's bliss. Aren't you so glad to know? I thought you would be. If I have to be reminded, then YOU will be reminded. That's how it works around here.

Gray signed up for a gym membership last fall, and he accidentally worked out 3 times (ok, maybe 4 times) before he was able to come up with a list of reasons why he could not/would not work out anymore. I believe the list included things like "my back hurts", "I'm feeling pressured to go and since I refuse to do what other people tell me to do on principal, I'm not going", and the ever-popular "I'm going tomorrow, and I know I said that yesterday, but I actually mean it this time".

Last week, however, Gray actually WENT the gym with his younger (substantially more fit) brother. They went on Friday for, like, a couple hours and then they went again on Saturday, with a little bit of disc golf (Frisbee golf)((I'd never heard of it either)) thrown in for good measure. Gray's younger brother lifts weights on a regular basis. Gray does not. Apparently, it did not occur to either man that perhaps Gray should take it easy on his first visit to the gym in 6 months. Gray did NOT take it easy at the gym.

Remember those Barbies with the arms that stayed bent at the elbow? Not the bendy-arm kind, the solid plastic arm kind. Remember how hard those Barbies were to dress? Gray was one of those Barbies. He was unable to move his fucking arms for about 3 days, and had to go home from work because his arms were stuck in the "bent" position, which was not conducive to his career as a casino games dealer. He walked around looking like a bad impression of a robot. Or a retard. No offense to the robots.

He's doing better now, thanks for asking. I told him not to over do it (be a moron) next time.

Anyhow, as we're well into the second week of February, I thought I would update you all about my progress on the Month of No Spending. Here's a list of everything I have shelled out for:
  • $3 on quarters for laundry
  • $3 wasted in the vending machine trying to get quarters for laundry (aka Sun Chips, Coke, and one serving of air)

That's it. That's all. I have paid a couple of bills (the kind I have to pay to continue living with lights and insurance), and I put gas in my car on Saturday (only because the empty light had been lit for several days). But otherwise? I haven't bought anything.

We are running out of eggs, we are TOTALLY out of produce, and the milk is several days expired (it doesn't smell "wrong" yet), so I anticipate a trip to the grocery store this weekend to pick up a FEW perishable food stuffs. (I've always loved the term "food stuffs". It seems like getting away with saying "thingies" in regular conversation without appearing to be a dumbass.)

Here's the kickers: I AM OUT OF BOOZE PEOPLE. Not "booze people", but "booze, people". Although if anyone knows any "booze people", could you ask them to send me some vodka? I drank my last glass of wine on Monday night, and I'm too cheap to go buy more. For now. We'll see how generous I'm feeling by quitting time today. I'd like to tell you that I spent an entire night booze-free (actually, my therapist would like me to say that, but only if it were true), but instead I dug around in my cabinets until I came up with a bottle of amaretto - which I hate - (it was either that or Grand Marnier, but I have no fucking clue what that is or why it cost so much money) and sucked on that bottle whilst watching the rerun of A Very Duggar Wedding on TLC and the 60 Minutes interview with Octo-mom.

And then I cried myself to sleep because I know I haven't remained pure and saved my whole heart for the man that god "would have for me", and I didn't realize that all I need to have an army of children is a little Botox and some student loans.

But I consoled myself with the knowledge that my dad didn't give me the Sex Talk and attempt to explain the intricate details of married intimacy by saying, "It's like Legos".

So, you know, overall I'm really kicking ass in February.


  1. I feel terrible to laughing to be laughing at your bad day, But you just make it so damn funny! What's your address? I will send you a little something to drink.

  2. Out of vodka! OMG, I don't think I could live. I think it qualifies as a perishable food stuff.

    Gray deserves the broken arms. What a dingbat! Sorry about the period thing.

  3. I wonder if that Duggar thing will come on in England...I haven't seen that one yet.

    I am still giggling in my head thinking about Gray looking like a robot. Like Michele said, sorry bout the period.

  4. I was going to say what I told you yesterday....MAKE HIM BUY BOOZE.

    But that may not work with the arms.

    And I have not remained pure, which I am sure would dismay some relatives, but what would dismay them more is that I don't cry myself to sleep over it, and in fact, would like some more impure behavior nao. kthxbai. !!!!111!!ELEVENTY11!!!111

    And some people really need to learn that it is a vagina, not a clown car. I know it has been said before, but it bears repeating.


  5. Seriously Gray, or at least his brother, should have known better. Unless his brother is secretly mad at him and is doing this to get even for some wrong doing...hmmm.

    So, no spending money for a month huh? Sounds like a fun challenge. Maybe I will try it.

  6. okay, it's not moronic. I totally worked my arms that badly once. I walked around like Ah-nold for a few days too. Funniest feeling, not being able to straighten my arms when I walked. LOL. I feel for him.

    AND HOLY FACK. Out of booze? How can you drink expired milk without booze to help it go down!?

  7. Wait a minute! If you are only buying things that you have to have to live, isn't medicine necessary? Isn't vodka God's pain reliever? Don't you have pain from monthly visitor? Or maybe vodka is the Milk of the Gods. You said you needed milk.

  8. yep...I am laughing at your bad day too... you are good like that. I watched the inteview last night of the octo-mom too and was not utterly disgusted until they flashed to the picture of what she used to look like and realized that somewhere she had found money to have surgery too!

    ...and she seemed to blame her mother for not loving her enough to provide her with siblings as the fact that she has FOURTEEN CHILDREN.

    Crazy Woman.

  9. Remember the Barbie shoes that NEVER stayed on? I always felt badly when I laid my barbies down to sleep because her arms were always bent and she couldn't get comfortable. Oh, and remember how big Skipper's feet were? Why was she flat-footed while her bitch of a sister Barbie walked on the balls of her feet all day long?

  10. Those Duggars freak me out. Did you see the episode where they explain how to get the "Duggar hair"? Home perms. You could totally save money on a stylist and do your own Duggar hair at home.
    Get one of the booze people to do the back.

  11. okay, so then my wish for you is to have 18 kids. All at once.

  12. OK,

    Bitchy alert...

    Does anyone else think it is weird that they are all over Discovery Health? That fiasco is healthy?

    And someone actually married into that family...hmm...I wonder how many kids they will have 5 years from now.....

  13. Well, I am "booze people" so I am sending over a spare bottle of wine for you.

    But you go girl on the no spending. Please don't tell my husband though because then all of a sudden he is going to expect me not to spend money and that would just suck.


  14. what is your address? this is a serious problem.

  15. I am cracking up over this whole post. You just kill me sometimes.
    Who is this therapist you keep speaking of? I know it isn't me anymore since you stopped paying me to analyze your dreams. You are cheating on me aren't you? I promise you they can't ride your ass the way I do!

  16. Dammit! I was trying to do the "no spending thing" during February, too (yes, you ARE inspiring), and then I totally forgot about it until right now.

    That's okay though. I'm still smiling. Luckily nothing can't destroy the happiness brought on by the thought of retarded robots.

  17. I think you and LC must be on the same cycle.
    The upside is...she has plenty of vodka.
    But I think I'm going to swipe some tonight.

  18. I had some wine open, and I was going to bring it to you. But then I realized I don;t know exactly where you live and I would probably drink it before I got there. Damn.

    I hear air can be tasty if you put some salt on it.

    That robot image won't get out of my head either. Funny stuff!

    Sorry about the female troubles :(, hope you feel better soon. :)

  19. Yeah, "just five".


    Vagina does not equal clown car.

    (It bears repeating!)

    AND it pisses me off that they are non-taxed because they have been declared a church. THAT is quite a church.....

  20. Your description of your husband doesn't remind me of plastic barbie so much as it does the alien on Sesame Street who could pick the nectarine from the tree but couldn't put it into his mouth because he couldn't bend his elbows. Geefle!

    And yes, The Secret for losers pretty much describes my week. But at least I have a nice chilled glass of wine awaiting me in about 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.....gotta go :)

  21. I'm trying to imagine what arms stuck in the bent position look like... did he do the cowboy walk too?

    So sorry you're out of booze. Don't watch those fucking freaks with all of the kids, what the hell is wrong with them? Here's an idea.. let's keep pumping out kids and make the older children raise the younger ones... sounds great. Assholes. I know they're not raising the kids since I'm barely able to raise two with a husband who works from home and helps out all the time.

  22. Hey. You could save some money by setting up a still. Brew your own booze and maybe sell some on the side. You're welcome.

  23. If I watched anything about the Duggers, I'd need alcohol - and lots of it!

    Awesome job on not spending a lot of money. You rock!!

  24. Legos??? I thought it was spoons... in a drawer... or in a closet or something. To tell the truth, the code words kind of lost me.

  25. Dahlink. I have so much booze and we don't really drink except for at Christmas and when we have parties. I could send you a bottle of something.

    Hmmm. I think I'm going to do this no spending thing this month too. I've already blown it, but... starting now. I'll be impressed with myself if I'm not completely full of shit. When I think of not spending money all I can think about are things to spend money on.

  26. i have nothing clever to say, but you maka me laugh

  27. All you need is some moldy bread and a sock and some fruit juice and sugar and yeast and a toilet to make prison wine (the toilet is optional, I think. You can use a garbage can or something.)

    Google "steve don't eat it" and scroll down to vol. 8 -- the guy who writes the sneeze blog made prison wine and it turned out pretty good...

    With Zach's tuition for the semester around $9000, I was trying the whole not spending money thing. So when I took Thor to Barnes and Noble today, I only bought two books. Yeah. I have stunning willpower, really.

  28. 18 kids now? you'll need fertility drugs and a time machine. Unless someone is willing to give them to you they do violate the no buying anything. wait 'til next month... yes, "food stuffs" is a great term.

  29. My fave nickname for "octomom" is "Octopussy." Way more entertaining and I can giggle like a prepubescent school boy.

  30. The Duggar Wedding was NUTS! How about the officiant, he was all like there is no dancing because it makes people have lustful feelings! And its dry, too, but they were like we are gonna have fun, im like HOW? Where THE FUCK is the fun? No dancing, no Booze, WTF is fun about that? Also how about dad droppin that How to please your woman on his son! Im like WOW most awkward moment EVER?

  31. Jeremy being compared to a barbie? lol - never in my life did I think I would hear that comparison....hehe. I am going to giggle all day.

  32. That freaking Duggar kid hadn't even KISSED his wife until the wedding!!! What the hell is that? I feel bad for the nutso octo-mom. Not to mention the kids. Good Lord.

  33. I have a bottle of Vodka I haven't even opened yet because I don't have any tomato juice. ALL I WANT IS A DAMN BLOODY MARY BUT NOOOO. So I guess this is the post that got "booze" on your little word collage....which by the way is the coolest little widget and I want one.

  34. Frisbee golf is possibly the dumbest thing I have ever seen.

    And you know that mom had her lips injected with collagen. I want to punch her in the face.

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