Perfect Time To Have Kids, No?

I'm considering a return to talk therapy, and holy christ, I was unprepared for how awkward that sentence would sound out loud: the verbal equivalent of that couple who walks around with their hands in each other's rear pants pockets, regardless of how impractical that may be when they're also, oh I don't know, trying to cross the street while making out and talking on a cell phone.

I know I stood up Dr. Crazy Socks last time, but I'm pretty sure he (meaning his wallet) will welcome me back into the crazy-fold with lots of, "So how have you been"s and "How did that make you feel"s.

I've been feeling really good, actually, considering the stress I've been under (and yes, I realize it's mostly self-induced stress, fuck you very much), but I'm still just a little big ::off:: somehow. Anxiety is slowly creeping into my brain, and as Gray pointed out last night, winter is approaching, and we all know how the onslaught of 6 dark months tend to = me in a corner with a spoon pressed perilously close to my eyeball, humming Edelweiss and stroking my stuffed lobster toy.

Also, I'm trying to figure out why I feel the need to be incessantly, exhaustively over-scheduled. I tell myself I LIKE DOWN TIME and I'm pretty sure I mean that when I say it, except when I look at my calendar for the next two months, I feel like I'm trying to emulate Barack Obama, granted with fewer black tie events and more dog poop, but I'm fucking booked solid, is what I'm trying to say, and all of these things I have going on are voluntary (besides my full-time, necessary for continued survival-type job and my part-time, why dear god am still doing this to myself college classes), and I can't figure out why I seem unable to just sit the fuck down already.

After work today, I'll be driving to the St. Paul campus (for the second time this week, and regardless that all my fall classes are online) to pick up and distribute the September issue of The Metropolitan newspaper. Then I'll hustle home to go for a walk with my dog and shovel down some dinner before biking over to my doggy client's house to take her for a walk. Then it's home to read Don Quixote for my Lit class for as long as I can keep my eyes open.

I don't even have time to drink during the week anymore. If that's not a cry for help, I don't know what is.

I'm supposed to meet my mortgage broker one of these nights to sign some documents in preparation for closing on our house on September 30th, which means I also need to start packing because HOLY SHIT WE ARE MOVING AGAIN IN ONE MONTH, but I should start packing until I've finished writing our thank you cards from the wedding, and I can't forget the writing deadlines, and then Kylie arrives to crash with us (meaning I'll want to do nothing but to paint her toenails and talk her ears right out of the room. Over several glasses cases of wine.) Regardless of this ridiculous time schedule, I find myself scanning the domestic "gigs" listed on Craigslist, searching for part-time cleaning jobs to make a little extra money because I have fifteen spare minutes every other Tuesday evening and I'll be damned if I spend that time enjoying myself. Plus, two people have told me I'm "crazy" since yesterday. Maybe I should look into that.

I think this post was a way of convincing myself I need therapy. I just don't have time to make an appointment.

House. Also, Poor.

So. We bought a house.

That's what we've been up to. Gray and I have been searching for the perfect property since March, and this is the third time we found "it," the difference being that this time, the buyer agreed with us.

I was thinking our life would slow down after the wedding, but I was wronger than wrong, because now we'll be packing and moving (did I mention this marks the fifth time I've moved in three years?), and Kylie is moving in with us at Longfellow Deeds for a couple of weeks before she leaves to spend her autumn months with her hot boyfriend in Europe (I know, FUCK YOU KYLIE, is right) and I'm starting over with The Month of Ramen coming up this Wednesday. I thought we were broke before, and now we're exactly $House Amount of Dollars more poor than before. Lucky for us, Top Ramen doesn't discriminate. And also, we own all our porn.

Mmm Mmm Dead

I promise to let you eat my cheeseburger very soon, but I must first comment on this important social issue:

PIER ONE IS TRYING TO MURDER ME.

I'm working on some research for my Month of Ramen (it WILL HAPPEN, so help me fucking god) and I figured since I'll be showcasing lots and lots of noodle-based recipes, I'd better get a pretty little ramen bowl to photograph them in. It's for the good of the world, and therefore a justifiable expense.

When considering where to purchase such a bowl, my first though was Pier One because...well...it's the only store where the teak love-children of kitschy eastern decor and frilly western sensibilities live. And can be found on sale. THERE IS NOWHERE BETTER.

So I went to Pier One. And look at the beautiful specimen I decided on!

I am a yellow noodle bowl. Aren't I lovely? Eat out of me!

In fact, these little ceramic dishes were such a good deal that I decided to purchase enough to serve all of my frequent dinner guests. Which means two.

Curious about the origins of the fine craftsmanship of the bowl, I flipped it over. Imagine my horror when I discovered:

Oh, hai. I can haz mention I might be deadly?

In Pier One's defense, these bowls *were* on clearance...

Do you think it might be because I'm trying to sell my store credit on Craigslist?

Keeping Watch

I've noticed my mood dipping down into the "depressed" category for a couple of weeks now, and I'm trying to figure out what to do about it. I broke up with Dr. Crazy Socks, so maybe I need to find a new therapist. My physician mentioned I might need a higher dose of my medication during the months when I suffer from seasonal depression, so perhaps that's something I should look into.

January and February, typically, are my darkest months of the year. And by "dark" I mean "I can't believe I continue to get out of bed every morning, I guess I can thank my endless need for others' approval for SOMETHING."

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person in the world who understands what this feels like. I suppose that in itself if a symptom of the illness, and it causes me to fold in upon myself, stay home, decline invitations, ignore phone calls, "hole up". It makes me cranky and generally unsettled and displeased with everything, although if you asked me to specify my displeasure, I'd be unable to do so because it's vaporous and slithery and not at all concrete.

But even now, as these dark fingers flicker on the edge of my vision, it's not as bad this year and for that I can thank my awareness of the problem as much as the medication I'm taking to avoid it.

Gray and I came up with a strategy to combat the dark thing, a strategy which includes "having something to look forward to" so we decided to take a trip and we bought our plane tickets (with cash)((yay TOTAL MONEY MAKEOVER!)) all the way back in the fall, and now we are going on vacation to California in 17 days and THANK GOD because...well...just LOOK AT THIS PLACE. I have got to get out of here.

My dad and his wife live in southern Cali, and my whole paternal side of the family is within 20 minutes drive of each other. I haven't been to see any of them in almost two years, and that is just way too motherfucking long. Spending time with my family will be more therapeutic than even the sunlight and warm weather, and I'm hoping it gives me a boost and helps propel me along through the worst month, February.

I thought I'd take a look back at where I was one year ago and compare my mental states to see if there's been a noticeable improvement, so I pulled up this post from January 12th, 2009, when I was jogging almost every day and stinking the high heaven. And I remember doing laps at the community center on the track which was suspended over a basketball court, running around and around while I watched the volleyball practice below and listened to (mostly) Coldplay on my Ipod, and wondered if I'd ever be happy again. (Coldplay during a workout is the first sign of my impending mental collapse because, seriously? COLDPLAY?)

So in comparison I'm feeling FAR better this year, but I need to Stay On Top of That Shit and I should probably start working out again in some fashion, maybe, we'll see, and I should definitely try to focus my energies on the new classes I start this week and the week-long vacation at the end of the month and the plans we've made with the supreme California hotties, Kel and Jessica.

I'm also planning to do the Month of No Spending again this year, not only because it provides some much-needed blog fodder, but also because it should keep me distracted during the hours that I'm not working or writing papers for class. It takes physical restraint to not spend a dime for 28 days. It actually hurts a little sometimes, like you're being quartered by four horses named Your Checking Account, TJ Maxx, Chipotle and Amazon.com.

And I should definitely masturbate more often because there's no tax on orgasms.

Christ. And Not In The Good Way.

Gray and I decided to celebrate our Christmas together on Friday for several reasons, one of which being PRESENTS! Why wait when you can NOT wait? Right?

Also, I didn't feel like making dinner.

And also we are driving to Arkansas on Wednesday night to celebrate the holidays with familial torture and pubescent flash backs, which means there were gifts between Gray and I which should not be given in view of my Arkansas relations, not to mention baby Jesus, who seems to reside at my mother's house. Along with my dead step-grandfather and a few cats. She's got a thing for ghosts, my mother.

So we went out to dinner at one of our favorite restaurants because I had a coupon. And also because it was CHRISTMAS! On Friday! This was our first time going out to eat together since $2 taco night in July, and unfortunately I am not exaggerating. Goddamn debt reduction plan.

So because it was CHRISTMAS! Gray was able to order a huge bacon cheeseburger and fries without technically cheating on his diet (although I believe those several dozen McDonald's bags on the floor of his truck ::might:: be an issue) and I was finally able to order the Grandfather Of Vodka Beverages for the first time in my life: a vodka martini. Dirty, of course.

And I must say, it was not unlike swallowing a mouthful of ocean water, except not the sparkling blue kind of ocean water you find the Caribbean, but the kind you might encounter at Seal Beach on one of those days when the city has posted "Swimming Prohibited" signs because some guy at the waste treatment plant accidentally sent all the raw sewage down the wrong pipe, and there's a bleach bottle floating along the shore line, and the seaweed is neon yellow.

It was like that. PLUS VODKA. And it wasn't just one mouthful, but sip after sip after godforsaken sip of the shit until finally dinner was over and we were ready to leave but FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I MUST FINISH MY $15 SEA WATER BEFORE WE GO! Because of the budget, of course. And also because booze is booze, you know what I mean?

Actually, I kid. Not about the nastiness of the martini, but about how much it cost. We hit up the restaurant at the remarkably geriatric hour of 5 p.m. which allowed us to be seated immediately AND to order our 1/2 price happy hour drinks. With my coupon for one free entree, our entire CHRISTMAS! dinner (2 drinks, 1 appetizer, 2 entrees) came to $26.43. How's that for holiday spirit, baby Jesus?

Now we prep for our impending 12-hour drive through forecasted snow and ice into the depths of the Bible belt/Incest Land in order to "worship the Lord Jesus for coming to the earth as a baby and to become the bridge over which people can receive eternal life instead of the eternal death we deserve for our sins," in my mother's words.

Which she sent via text. At 8:30 a.m. Before my first cup of coffee.

In case you were wondering, she is also praying for Gray and I to, "have a safe journey here and a safe journey to God's throne when you leave this life on Earth."

It's like she doesn't even WANT us to show up.

I Also Need To Shave. Everywhere.

It's Tuesday again. Seems like it's Tuesday a lot these days. Like, every few days or so. What the fuck, Tuesday?

So I was laying in bed last night and I realized that I needed to put some lotion on my legs in a BAD way. They were so dry that I was using the heel of my right foot as a leg scratcher. I also realized I need a pedicure if my heel is sharp enough that I can use it as a leg scratcher.

I'm really not sure if I'm going to get up the "oompfh" to decorate for Christmas this year...that's a whole lot of crap to haul in and out when we won't even be in the state for the big day. Sure, it'll be festive and it'll give me some extra shit to dust around and vacuum up every week, and boy will those light be a pain in the ass to untangle. But what's Christmas without some extra "fuck me's" and some random "grab the fire extinguisher's!"?

I got a refund from the State of Minnesota for an small overpayment I made a couple of months ago. Except I was paying $1,100 my ex-husband and I owed from tax year 2006, so both of our names were on the account even though I made all the damn payments. And, of course, the check was made out to BOTH of us so I can't cash the damn thing without his signature, which means I can kiss that refund goodbye.

What the fuck is up with that "Come on man" guy on ESPN? Gray was watching the pregame show last night while I baked cookies, and I wanted to STAB MYSELF IN THE EARS. Dude was so black I couldn't understand one fucking word (except, of course, for "Come on man") he said. For minute there, I thought Gray was watching Univision again. I cain nunderstan you, MAN.

Sudoku is hard.

I officially have about 85% of my Christmas shopping done, which isn't really that great considering I'm buying NOTHING for NO ONE this year. In that case...how the hell did I spend so much money on Amazon?

I saw a guy have a seizure on black Friday. It reminded me of when people have seizures.

I realize I forgot to update you all on my fridge stink situation back in October. My bad.

Of all the commentary about the whole Tiger Woods controversy, I believe Wanda Sykes said it best. My favorite part is where she says "the black in him bought the Cadillac and the Asian in him crashed it".

Are you paying attention Mastercard? THAT is priceless.

After Which I Will Be Saving For Rhinoplasty

A couple months ago, Gray came home babbling about some money management book he was going to buy, and that's when I choked on my hot dog and died.

The End.

Wait, that's right - I THOUGHT I was going to choke on my hot dog and die, but in actuality I just laughed like a lunatic and asked if he was feeling all right. Apparently one of our friends at work ordered a large quantity of these books written by this guy, and got them at a discounted price of $8 or something, and many of our other friends at work were reserving them from her. Gray reserved two. Don't ask me why we needed two. I still don't understand it. Especially because when the books arrived, I read my copy in three days and Gray read one chapter before abandoning his copy on the shelf next to his Playstation in favor of MLB The Show 2009.

Anyhow, I'm endlessly critical and suspicious of all self-help, money management "gurus" and seminars and books. My mother has, as one time or another, been sucked into every pyramid scheme known to man. (AMWAY, how I miss thine exceptional snack food.) I don't want to hear from strangers who tout one scheme or another, giving their miraculous story of recovery or financial success. I don't know you, I don't trust you, and I don't believe your bullshit story. I don't want to "Go Diamond". Thanks.

But this time, we actually know a couple of people who used the ideas in this book to pay off thousands of dollars of credit card debt over the last couple of years, and because I know them in person, I tend to believe them. I know they aren't being paid to promote this man. I know they have no reason to exaggerate or lie about what they did or did not accomplish with their money. Hell, I even know where they live.

I'm all about getting out of debt, believe me. I haven't used my credit cards since my split from the ex in 2007, but I'm still no closer to paying them off than I was two years ago. I struggle and pinch pennies. I am not too good to shop at Aldi (I love it, in fact), I went a month with no spending, I budget my money within an inch of it's germy life, I'm a faithful www.mint.com user, I listen intently to financial experts on talk radio, and I don't buy clothes. Like, ever.

But when all is said and done, to quote a highly over-used phrase from the book, "there is always more month than money."

As I was reading this book, I skipped over all the success stories because I don't trust them. They're in italics. If that's not a red flag, I don't know what is. I also skipped over the final section of the book regarding mortgages because, well, I don't have one at the moment. However, as I read through the steps of this TOTAL MONEY MAKEOVER (god, so cheesy), I found myself nodding and saying, "Yeah, that makes sense."

So I did step one, which is creating an Emergency Savings fund, and now I'm working on step two, which is obnoxiously called my Debt Snowball, wherein each outstanding debt is attacked one at a time while you make minimum payments on the others, and once the first debt is gone, you add that payment onto the minimum payment for the next debt and attack that one until it's gone, so on and so forth, and why the fuck didn't I think of this before?

I've been paying more than the minimums on ALL of my debt and wondering why I never seem to make a dent in any of them.

I read this book about four weeks ago, and after payday this week my first debt will be entirely paid and my next will be 3/4 paid. In four weeks. I could actually cry, I'm so happy about that. Am I anywhere close to being finished with all of my debt? Hell no. But does it feel good to have a plan? To see myself making progress already? To finally be able to envision a life with no debt? To see that owning a home again will one day be possible? HELL YEAH.

So I thought I'd share the book with you - click on any of the links to go to the page. If you live around here and want my copy of the book, just let me know. It's all yours. I can use Gray's if I need a refresher.

I'd also like to start sharing tips I find for really kick-ass money saving deals, and I've got a rad one for you today - Landers came with a trial version of Microsoft Office, and once that ran out I didn't want to pay $150 to download the basic version, so I lost all my functionality with Word, Excel, etc. It was crippling. Anyone who has ever tried using Notepad will know what I'm talking about.

My awesome Jill sent me to www.openoffice.org yesterday and I downloaded the 100% completely free Open Office, which has all of the same types of programs as Microsoft Office, and it's compatible so that you can open your Microsoft files in the Open Office programs. I haven't spent a lot of time using the programs yet, so I can't totally vouch for their functionality, but what I've seen and done so far has been comparable to what I'm used to. And it was FREE, people. FREE.

I slept a little better knowing that I can once again create spreadsheets.

Was It Worth Eating Dust Bunnies?

Okay, first of all: WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH BLOGGER TODAY? My sidebar is gone, then it's there, then it's gone, then my page won't load, then my followers are gone, then they are back, then they're gone...Get your shit together Blogger! Or at least post a "Hey, we know your site is jacked up, don't worry, we won't lose all of your posts, we promise, don't panic" message so I can stop freaking out.

Whew, I feel better now.

No, no I really don't. But I just took a shot (4 shots) of Absolut, so I'm concentrating on the burning in my throat rather than the burning of my chapped ass, so I'll move on to my Month of No Spending Wrap Up.

How did I do?

Well, overall I did a pretty kick-ass job of sticking to my So Restrictive I've Lost Circulation To My Wallet budget. I did not buy anything that wasn't 100% necessary to my survival, EXCEPT:

• $6.38 for Subway dinner on my way to class last Monday
• $7.95 for McDonald's (Gray's dinner) on my way home the same night (I know, it was a weak day)((suck it))
• $20.00 for Taco Loco lunch on Saturday

Clearly, food (not liquor)((or strippers)) is my weakness when it comes to sticking to a budget. I am not at all surprised, since my all of my pants are dangerously close to choking me to death - can you say camel toe? - and the facet that I'm still wearing the same clothes I bought at Good Will in 1997. Fashion is not my monetary downfall, and if anyone would like to nominate me for What Not To Wear, I'll supply the secret footage.

During the Month of No Spending, I started using this killer website called Mint.com that tracks all of my credit cards and bank accounts, tracks my budget levels, and sends me email alerts if I go over budget. I am loving this website. I wish I could freaking remember who told me about it. I'm pretty sure it was Allison over at Tales from Lala Land, but I couldn't find the damn post where she talks about it.

The only problem with Mint.com is that the monthly trends aren't completely accurate because, say, expenditures made at the end of January post to February's budget (because the charges post to my bank account after month-end), and that skews my budget totals for both months. I sent an email to the Mint.com help center to ask if there is a way to change my account settings and resolve this issue. I might just put a shopping ban on the last 5 days of each month. Because I'm that obsessed with budgeting now. It's my depression kicking my OCD into high gear. I'm not always like this. SHUT UP, no I'm not. Fine, I know I am.

Anyway, now that I've talked your damn ear off, my total savings for the month of February was: $498.00. That's right, FOUR HUNDRED AND NINETY-EIGHT FUCKING DOLLARS. Pretty amazing, considering that February is the shortest month of the year, and taking into account the fact that I cheated three times.

I learned some neat tricks like "eating the food that's already in my kitchen cupboards" and "crying myself to sleep is so much more rewarding when I'm sober" and "make a shopping list instead of wandering up and down every single aisle at the store you stupid ho". Who fucking knew, right?

I hereby declare my little experiment a HUGE success, and I'm going to take all my extra money and buy street drugs now. Just kidding, every last penny went to paying of the fucking whore's over at Allina Healthcare.

I hope you're happy, you god damned facist baby-killers.

Diamonds On the Soles of Her Poo (sha na na na na)

When does one officially earn the title of "miser"?

I've got to be closing in on it any day now. After rounding "cheap bastard", I intend to slide into "penny pinching fool" any moment now. Here's my February spend:

• $3 on quarters for laundry
• $3 wasted in the vending machine trying to get quarters for laundry (aka Sun Chips, Coke, and one serving of air)
• $25.09 at the grocery store (didn't know you could leave there for less than a hundred bucks. Huh. Learn something every day.)
• $29.89 at the gas station (on gas, not on Hustler and sour Skittles. That was hard for me.)
• $3.88 at Walgreen's (Gray says he's going to pay me back for the lube...er...Mountain Dew)
• $4.26 at the Red Box for two Valentine's Day movies (Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist: loved it, but what is with the PUKE in all the movies these days?)(Nights at Rodanthe: Eh, I love you Diane Lane, but this was no Under the Tuscan Sun, KWIM?)
• $20 in quarters for laundry

So that's less than $100 more than half way into the month - not too shabby in my humble opinion. The only thing on this list of "expenditures" (another word that sounds awesome but really isn't) that we didn't totally "need" was the Red Box movie rental. Fuck it. I didn't get Gray a card for Valentine's Day, so it all evened out.

This is such a drastic change from my spending in January that I'm getting all these frantic emails from my budget website saying, "Unusual Spending Activity", and "You Are $500 Below the Average U.S. Household, Are You Sure We Don't Need to Send Over the Coroner?"

So far, this spending moratorium has been a piece of cake - THANK YOU DEPRESSION - because I haven't wanted to leave the house for any reason, including to stimulate the economy. I got both my state and federal tax refunds, and I got my student loan disbursement as well. So now that I don't need money to cover bouncing checks, I've got some padding in my bank accounts. Doesn't that just fucking figure? I'm just waiting for everything to clear the bank before I go and pay down some credit cards. They'll probably send over the FBI to investigate that shit.

Speaking of credit cards, I cashed in my few remaining rewards points and ordered a $5 gift card to Panera Bread, which I stopped to use last night on my way to class because I was about ::this:: close to chewing on my own arm, and I'm not even all that into cannibalism these days. All I wanted was a nice, hot cup of soup. Potato soup. Mmmmmm. Great, now my panties are wet.

Did you people know that Panera Bread sells magical, golden soup? I got 12 ounces of potato and water for $4.89. FOUR FUCKING EIGHTY-NINE! I had the gift card for $5, so it worked out perfectly, but I just couldn't believe I was spending five dollars on a bowl of soup. There was bacon in there, and believe me! I understand the value of the pork product. But I've got a package of bacon at home - an entire package! - that cost less than that one bowl of soup with the three crumbs of bacon in it. WE ARE IN A RECESSION PANERA! People don't have magical soup money just laying around anymore.

I went to Panera's website this morning to try and find evidence of this ludicrous price point, but the menu? HAS NO PRICES ON IT. You know how when you go to the fancy restaurant for a special occasion and you kind of hope someone else foots the bill because you've got $13 in your wallet but the menu has no prices listed next to anything so you know they're going to charge you a thousand dollars for that pat of butter? Because only people who have black AMEX cards don't want to know how much shit costs? Because if there are no prices on the menu, you just drink water so you don't have to worry about losing your house?

That's what Panera Bread is like, except instead of fine china and crystal, they give you plastic spoons and and make you come get your own food when it's ready. $4.89 for a bowl of fucking soup. I'm still thinking I may shit out a few diamonds so this all makes sense.

I Want 18 Kids Now, Or At Least My Virginity Back

It is Hump Day, but there will be no humping in Casa Zipbagofbones due to an unfortunate combination of Gray's broken arms and the hell spawn that is my period. Ah, to be reminded of my empty uterus. It's bliss. Aren't you so glad to know? I thought you would be. If I have to be reminded, then YOU will be reminded. That's how it works around here.

Gray signed up for a gym membership last fall, and he accidentally worked out 3 times (ok, maybe 4 times) before he was able to come up with a list of reasons why he could not/would not work out anymore. I believe the list included things like "my back hurts", "I'm feeling pressured to go and since I refuse to do what other people tell me to do on principal, I'm not going", and the ever-popular "I'm going tomorrow, and I know I said that yesterday, but I actually mean it this time".

Last week, however, Gray actually WENT the gym with his younger (substantially more fit) brother. They went on Friday for, like, a couple hours and then they went again on Saturday, with a little bit of disc golf (Frisbee golf)((I'd never heard of it either)) thrown in for good measure. Gray's younger brother lifts weights on a regular basis. Gray does not. Apparently, it did not occur to either man that perhaps Gray should take it easy on his first visit to the gym in 6 months. Gray did NOT take it easy at the gym.

Remember those Barbies with the arms that stayed bent at the elbow? Not the bendy-arm kind, the solid plastic arm kind. Remember how hard those Barbies were to dress? Gray was one of those Barbies. He was unable to move his fucking arms for about 3 days, and had to go home from work because his arms were stuck in the "bent" position, which was not conducive to his career as a casino games dealer. He walked around looking like a bad impression of a robot. Or a retard. No offense to the robots.

He's doing better now, thanks for asking. I told him not to over do it (be a moron) next time.

Anyhow, as we're well into the second week of February, I thought I would update you all about my progress on the Month of No Spending. Here's a list of everything I have shelled out for:

• $3 on quarters for laundry
• $3 wasted in the vending machine trying to get quarters for laundry (aka Sun Chips, Coke, and one serving of air)

That's it. That's all. I have paid a couple of bills (the kind I have to pay to continue living with lights and insurance), and I put gas in my car on Saturday (only because the empty light had been lit for several days). But otherwise? I haven't bought anything.

We are running out of eggs, we are TOTALLY out of produce, and the milk is several days expired (it doesn't smell "wrong" yet), so I anticipate a trip to the grocery store this weekend to pick up a FEW perishable food stuffs. (I've always loved the term "food stuffs". It seems like getting away with saying "thingies" in regular conversation without appearing to be a dumbass.)

Here's the kickers: I AM OUT OF BOOZE PEOPLE. Not "booze people", but "booze, people". Although if anyone knows any "booze people", could you ask them to send me some vodka? I drank my last glass of wine on Monday night, and I'm too cheap to go buy more. For now. We'll see how generous I'm feeling by quitting time today. I'd like to tell you that I spent an entire night booze-free (actually, my therapist would like me to say that, but only if it were true), but instead I dug around in my cabinets until I came up with a bottle of amaretto - which I hate - (it was either that or Grand Marnier, but I have no fucking clue what that is or why it cost so much money) and sucked on that bottle whilst watching the rerun of A Very Duggar Wedding on TLC and the 60 Minutes interview with Octo-mom.

And then I cried myself to sleep because I know I haven't remained pure and saved my whole heart for the man that god "would have for me", and I didn't realize that all I need to have an army of children is a little Botox and some student loans.

But I consoled myself with the knowledge that my dad didn't give me the Sex Talk and attempt to explain the intricate details of married intimacy by saying, "It's like Legos".

So, you know, overall I'm really kicking ass in February.

I've Got Nothing Else To Do This Month

I'm sick and tired of being broke all the time, and by "broke" I mean "lucky I don't bounce checks more often", and by "more often" I mean "all the damn time". I've been trying desperately to pay off some lingering debt from my previous marriage and subsequent divorce, but I feel like I'm just treading financial water. It's winter, and I'm already a little bit crazy at the moment, what from the lack of sunlight and sleep and living vegetation. So I've decided to make it my project for the next 27 days to do something about my financial situation.

During the entire month of February, I vow not to purchase ANYTHING that is not 100% necessary to my survival (including entertainment). Should I bring your smelling salts? Sounds impossible, right? It very well might be impossible, but I'm going to try.

Fortunately, I am not a notorious shop-a-holic (Alcoholic? 'Nother story, which is why alcohol is included on my list of things 100% necessary to my survival), but I do overspend on groceries regularly. The rest of my disposable income (you know, the $30 that's left after I pay my bills) generally just sneaks right past me and out into the world without my noticing, mostly on things like take-out dinners and car washes and hookers. Oh, and equine porn.

I did a little Google search for "month with no shopping" and I found a lot of interesting information, particularly this link to this article written by Liz Pulliam Weston in 2007. There was another link to a post on My Money Blog about all the forgotten pantry food items we buy, put away, and promptly forget about. This person chose to go a month without grocery shopping (except for milk and juice). I LOVE this idea, because the bulk of my cash is spent on groceries, some of which end up in the garbage or wasting away in the dusty corner of my kitchen cabinet.

I'm still working the kinks at this moment - thankfully I didn't go out of the house yesterday, or I probably would have bought something and ruined the whole plan before I got started. But here is a rough list of what I consider "necessary":

• Food items that perish in 30 days or less, and only those we completely consume in less than 30 days (milk, tomatoes, the like). All other meals must be prepared with what we already have at home.
• Booze. I just bought 4 bottles of wine from Trader Joe's on Saturday, so I should be set for at least 3 days. Bar hopping is verboten.
• Toilet paper, dishwasher detergent, laundry detergent, other household items we CANNOT run out of in order to maintain our gainful employment and pass the apartment inspection in two weeks.
• Rx's
• Gasoline
• Stamps

What else could I be forgetting? Surely there are other items that are 100% necessary! If not, what the fuck have I been buying all this time?

I do have two social engagements that I have already promised to attend (a friend's winter choral concert this coming Saturday, and a night with my Jill at the Water Park of America at the end of the month), and I don't feel right about cancelling either of those obligations and letting down my friends. But neither should be terribly costly, and...well...I'm probably going to crash and burn with this little experiment anyway, so I'm not going to beat myself up over it. My goal is to see how much money I would be able to save in a month if I really tightened my monetary belt.

Going into this, I anticipate the most difficult part of "no spending" month will be finding free activities to keep us occupied during the shortest, yet most unbearable month of the endless Minnesota winter. Fortunately, I have Landers to keep me busy, and plenty of reading assignments for school. I might have to break out the as of now unused stripper pole that Santa brought me. I might have to play any one of my thousands of different video games. I might have to write more.

I might also die, but that's what makes this exciting, don't you agree?