at the movie theater
Me, eyeing a poster for this upcoming flick: "Hmmm, I've never heard of this movie before."
5 Head, with authority: "You wouldn't like that. It looks scary."
Me, incredulous: "I like scary movies sometimes."
5 Head: "No you don't. Gray is the one who likes scary movies."
Me, laughing: "True, but I like them too. It's fun to be scared sometimes."
5 Head, to himself: "You like scary movies AND you don't like sour cream. HOW ARE YOU RELATED TO ME!?"
in the kitchen
Me, to 5 Head, hovering in the vicinity of the food prep: "Hey, do you want to help me make cookies later?"
5 Head: "No, but when you're at the store, don't forget to buy a fire extinguisher."
Me: "Why do I need to buy a fire extinguisher?"
5 Head, sassy: "You just can't be too careful with YOU in the kitchen..."
Me, offended and amused in equal parts: "WHAT? I've been cooking every meal for you for a week! I haven't needed a fire extinguisher yet!"
5 Head, clearly not convinced, shrugs his shoulders and exits, stage left.
5 Head, "texting" me at work from his Yahoo email: "Text me when you get home so I can come let you in the front door."
Me: "Okay, I will be leaving in half an hour."
5 Head: "ARE YOU DRIVING NOW? Because you shouldn't text me back if you're driving."
Me: "No, I'm still at work. For another half an hour."
5 Head: "Okay, good."
Me: "Did you go swimming today?
5 Head, matter of factly: "Yep! Angel Butt nearly drowned."
Me, freaking the fuck out: "WHAT?! IS SHE OKAY?!"
5 Head, taking his time: "She was on the top step and tried to jump to me, but I was too far away so she went under the water for 2 to 4 seconds."
Me, resisting the urge to murder him: "So she didn't 'nearly drown', she just went under the water for 2 to 4 seconds."
5 Head: "Right. She came up laughing."