Happy Happy Birthday to my LOML, my Lobsta, my WWE Wanna-Be, my evil side kick. Here's hoping it's the funnest fucking birthday you've ever had in all of your 33 years on this earth, and all the eons before that you spent in the sweltering heat of the earth's core and poking sinners in the ass with your pitchfork.
33 Things that Make You the Best Non-husband I've never married:
1) You never censor what I write on this blog (like that you clogged the toilet AGAIN this week, and the only reason you were busted as the culprit was because you left a little evidence behind: your WWE game play book((because the game itself isn't nerdy enough)) or what I can tell my friends and family about you (like the infamous "hung like a mammoth" text).
2) My dad likes you. Heck, my whole FAMILY likes you. In fact, you were so close with my sister for a couple years that I was vocally rooting for you two crazy kids to get together because I knew what a great man you were, and I knew what gigantic losers she usually dates. In hindsight, am so totally glad you never hooked up with her because that would have made it kinda skeevy for you and I to date. I share many things with my siblings, but sex partners will never be one of them.
3) You love our baby niece Angel Butt as much as I do, maybe even more sometimes. You came to the hospital when she was born and you held her before even her own bio-father held her. You willingly learned to change diapers (and then would call me in to do an "inspection", holding her up in the air). You wanted to feed her. You realized that clucking your tongue would provide hours of amusement for both of you. In fact, I love you for being amused by many of the same things that entertain her. It's sexy when you play with blocks, I'm just saying.
4) Your love of music.
5) Your love of movies. I'll forgive you for making me watch My Bloody Valentine in 3D and the Friday the 13th remake, but only because you wanted to watch Lars and the Real Girl the other night, and you handed me a tissue at exactly the right moment.
6) Your devotion to your family. There's nothing you wouldn't do for your mom. I like to think we'll move to new and exciting places someday, but I know there's probably no chance of you leaving Minnesota so long as your mom is kicking around, and that's ok.
7) You make the bed every single day, which is sort of baffling to me because your dirty clothes end up in a pile on the floor and your dishes go into the sink (regardless of dishwasher status), but that bed, boy - you'll be damned if it's not made before you leave for work. It's quirky and I love it.
8) Your little Chiclet teeth.
9) Your (nearly inverted) chin.
10) The fact that I can braid your ear hair from time to time when it hasn't been trimmed in a while.
11) That you always get your hair cut when you think it's getting too long for MY liking.
12) That you don't take shit from anybody, ever. Unless they're joking. In which case, you can dish it back out pretty damn well.
13) You're honest and dependable and honorable. You'll admit when you've made a mistake, you'll apologize whenever it's necessary, you'll ask for help when you need it. You're always where you say you'll be. You never leave me hanging.
14) You like man-stuff, but you're not obsessed with it.
15) You don't play golf. I can't stress enough how important this is to me.
16) You're funny and goofy and a total blast to hang out with, regardless of the company or what we're doing at the time. I have just as much fun with you on a long drive as I do when we're on an adventure together.
17) You haven't lost the childish exuberance for life. Remember the Como Zoo? How you wanted more than anything to show me those little wax mold animals because you used to get them as a kid, and I'd never heard of them before? You made sure we found all of the machines in each of the animal houses, and we took them all home. Just...because you still think they're fun.
18) You're an amazing communicator and you realize how important it is to talk to me.
19) Every milestone, anniversary, birthday, holiday - you make a big deal out of them, you make them special regardless of how we celebrate.
20) You almost never fart on my feet. I forgive you for Tuesday's slip up.
21) You love holding hands. You know not to hold my hand when yours is clammy.
22) You're almost always the designated driver when we go out. You say you've had more years to party and that you like letting me have a few drinks. I think my therapist would call you an enabler, but I call you my personal limo service.
23) If it's important to me (your mother, your family, your friends) you're 100% down with it.
24) You got all your wild oats sewn and all your stupid stunts and experimentation done BEFORE I met you. I've never had to babysit, I've never had to worry, I just get to laugh at your stories about all the crazy shit you did.
25) You tell me about your father and what a great man he was and that he would have liked me. He would be so proud of the man you've become.
26) You hate seafood as much as I do.
27) You ate a green bean that one time, just to make me happy.
28) I have never felt unloved, unappreciated, like your mother, like your maid, like your chef. You never forget to thank me for anything I do around the house. And you do things, too.
29) You are still friends with MOST of your ex-girlfriends, including the one you technically were engaged to. And I've met them, and they're pretty cool. But thank you for not marrying any of them.
30) You always want to share the things that you're passionate about (Slayer, Jason Voorhees ((NERD)), fishing), and you want me to share mine with you.
31) Not one day has gone by in the last year and a half when you didn't tell me that I am beautiful, smart, funny, sexy, amazing, a "culinary genius", that you love me, that you can't wait to see me, that I look hot today, that you're the luckiest man on earth. I never have to wonder how you feel.
32) You always wash your hands after you poop.
33) No matter what, for the rest of your years on this earth, you will ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS be WAY older than me.
Happy Birthday baby, and here's to the next 33!
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