Tiger Woods Sleeps With Self, Mistresses

AP - 34 minutes ago

Orlando, Florida

Amid persistent rumours of infidelity and domestic discord, Tiger Woods issued a statement this morning on his blog (Tiger Woods.com) in which he admits that he has been involved in numerous "self-touching" affairs since his marriage to Elin Nordegren in 2004.

"I am ashamed of my behavior and how it has affected both my foreskin and my family," writes Woods, "but I ask that the media respect our privacy during this difficult time. And that you deliver a case of Jergens to my home by this afternoon."

Woods, formerly known as sports' Golden Child for his squeaky clean reputation, has recently been accused of sleeping with several women over a period of roughly 6 years, two of whom have come forward with confessions of the affairs.

Most shocking, perhaps, are the allegations that Woods has been secretly meeting with himself in hotels all over the world to "beat off", spending as much as $14,000 on romantic suites from Rome to Sydney, in order to "romance the stones".

TMZ is reporting that Woods' housekeeper found an entire hidden passageway in his Florida mansion that Woods' used to store his collection of Taboo Anal Pleasures I through XXX, as well as several "home movies" of himself and his hand frolicking on vacation in Tahiti.

"Married or not, there is tremendous pressure on professional athletes to touch themselves," says Dr. Larry Boyde of the International Institution for Masturbation and the Arts. "These men travel almost constantly, and the price for maintaining prostitutes becomes increasingly exorbitant as the risk of discovery by the media increases. It is only natural, in these cases, that men like Tiger Woods might resort to masturbation."

In this photo from 2007, Woods slips in a little "quiet time" with his left hand below the hill, out of sight of the cameras.

Boyde believes that Woods developed romantic feelings for his "wanky" after the birth of his second child 9 months ago. "He was feeling neglected by his wife, and he probably just wanted someone to tug on his trailer once in a while."

That someone, claims Woods, was Woods.

Speculation on whether Woods' sponsors would pull out of their contracts prompted Nike to issue a statement supporting Woods: "Like we've always said...Just Do It. If we wanted to qualify what "It" meant, we would have done so long ago."

Kanye West Issues Apology After Interrupting Barbara Walters On The Toilet

AP - 1 hour ago

Hollywood, CA - Taylor Swift isn't the only young lady that rapper, Kanye West, embarrassed this week.

According to a police report filed Wednesday, West was scheduled to appear on the Wednesday episode of The View. While he was waiting backstage, West was overheard as saying, "Yo, I done drank too many crystal goblets of strawberry Kool-Aid and gotsta to piss like a motha."

He then used a pistol to shoot open the lock on Barbara Walter's dressing room before entering her private bathroom, knocking her to the floor, and proceeding to "urinate all over the seat", according to witnesses.

Walters suffered minor injuries as a result of the incident but was not taken to the hospital, and with the help of her crew members, she was able to locate her dentures behind the toilet tank and insert them before the show began.

"I hab neber been so insuwted in aww my wife," said an angry Walters to her audience. She said that she wanted her side of the story to be told, so it was important to "get the word owt dere befowe the stowy hits the tabwoids".

"Barbara looked fantastic," said Vanessa Jean King (Long Island) who was in the audience. "I would never have guessed she'd just been assaulted and peed on. Her hair was perfect, and her suit jacket was only a little wet. I couldn't even smell her from my seat."


West, who later apologized for his actions, was taken into custody on charges of assault with a deadly weapon and reckless bladder relieving.

In an unprecedented strategic move, President Barack Obama posted Wests' $5,000 bail. White House spokesperson Robert Gibbs later clarified the President's involvement in the incident. "Mr. Obama's goal is to reach the young people of this country with his message of reform. Kanye West agreed to write and produce an album for the President which will involve a series of customized political rap beats, spoken jazz, and techno brain washing pulses.

Plus, Mr. Obama owed West a 'solid' after calling him a 'jackass' last weekend."

In a statement issued by West's PR firm, the rapper says, "YO PATRICK SWAYZE I KNOW YOU JUST DIED AND ALL ... BUT MICHAEL JACKSON'S DEATH WAS THE BEST ONE THIS YEAR."

Concern Over Comrade Obama's Speech Mounts

AP - 1 hour ago

Washington D.C. - As President Barack Obama Prepared to tape his back-to-school speech for America's school children, members of his cabinet began noticing marked changes in the President's demeanor.

Says Florida's GOP party Chairman Jim Greer, "The President started talking like Boris Godunov. I'm not even joking, his accent morphed into a combination of Russian and Muslim. TERRORIST Muslim. Clearly, he intends to begin indoctinating our nation's children into his left-wing teachings and underhanded socialist values. I am urging parents to protect their children from this attack by the President. Keep your kids home from school. Do not let them watch the President's address. Fashion double-layer tin foil hats for their tiny heads. It's the only way to keep the socialism out."

Other sources inside the White House confirm that Obama has begun insisting that everyone call him "Comrade Obama" and has also ordered the kitchen staff to undergo hours of grueling goose stepping drills on the White House lawn.

Roy Patterson has three children in the D.C. public schools: "Yeah, I read a copy of the President's speech on the Internet, and I am OUTRAGED by his blatant use of the words "talent" and "responsibility". Nobody tells my kid he's smart, you got that? NOBODY."

Other critics of Obama's speech call him a "political pedophile", insisting that he's "going after the young ones" because they cannot protect themselves against his "socialist mind rays".

Despite all the controversy, Obama insists his speech is about telling kids to stay in school and study hard. "No matter what you want to do with your life – I guarantee that you'll need an education to do it," the President says.

"Plus, this way I can brainwash them all at once with my hypnotic eye swirls."

The address is scheduled to air at noon eastern time on the White House website and on the C-SPAN cable network.

Kate Gosselin's Hair Files Custody Suit

AP - 1 hour ago

Wernersville, Pa - In a press release Wednesday, Kate Gosselin's hair announced its intent pursue custody of the eight Gosselin children. Sources confirm that It has obtained legal counsel and has filed a petition with the Berks County courthouse.

Says her hair, "After speaking with my attorneys, I believe it is in the best interest of Gosselin children that I be granted full legal custody. It's all about the kids, and it always has been, and I feel that I am the best equipped to care for them. I will do everything in my power to make sure they are happy and healthy."

Until today, a shared custody arrangement had been agreed upon between mother, Kate Gosselin and father, Jon Gosselin, who star in TLC's reality series Jon & Kate Plus 8 with their twin daughters and five year old sextuplets. The estranged pair originally agreed to alternate living in the family's million-dollar home in Wernersville, PA so that the children, Mady, Cara, Hannah, Aaden, Collin, Alexis, Leah and Joel, could continue to live in the home.

All of that may change now that Kate Gosselin's hair is seeking a permanent role in the children's lives.

"Kate has a history behaving irrationally," says hair. "I truly believe that she's been blinded by her bangs, and I take full responsibility for my role in that. In the early years of our relationship, I was long and blond, and that's part of what attracted Jon to Kate. We had some good times, the three of us together. But over the years, we drifted apart, and Kate began cutting me out of her life immediately following the births of Mady and Cara. When Jon decided to get plugs, I knew it was the beginning of the end."

Gosselin's hair, known for it's "reverse mullet" style, has enjoyed the media's attention for years.

"At first I was uncomfortable with the lack of privacy," it says. "But I was able to realize that hey, this is my job and this is how I've chosen to provide for those kids. The kids are happy, that's all that matters."

Since the divorce rumors were confirmed on the the show's season premier June 22nd, Kate's hair has been thrust into the paparazzi's lense with renewed gusto. It recently usurped Sarah Palin's hair for the title of Halloween Costume Craze of the Year. Online costume sales at BuyCostumes.com have rocketed in recent months, thanks to the unveiling of the Eight Is Too Much wig.

When asked how she feels about the attention, Kate's hair said, "It's hard. I love the Kate I used to know, but now I'm not sure that I want to be a part of her head anymore. But there we are: splashed all over the news every day. I look forward to a time when I can just be me again. But the kids come first."

Kate Gosselin's hair will not be featured in the newest episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8 which airs Monday August 31st on TLC.

Kate, citing a "falling out", wears a pink cowboy hat for much of the show.



Onion Breath is my newest brain spew, conceived with the evil intent of conning someone into giving me an internship at The Onion. Because that? Is where dreams come true. I'm not above sleeping my way to the top if that's what I have to do, but this route seems like the lesser of two evils. Although now that I'm a serious journalist, perhaps I should clarify that this is the lesser of two evils for me, not for you, obviously. I'm sorry.