Friday, September 26, 2008

Deep Thoughts on Sneezing

I don't particularly care for sneezing. It's not that I find it unpleasant so much as that I always need to sneeze when it's inconvenient. Also, the whole thing seems a little violent for my tastes. Sneezing isn't just exhaling air, it's exploding air and slime and germies all over the place. Gross.

Times when sneezing is most inconvenient; therefore, times when I'm most likely to sneeze

  • While I'm peeing. If you consider the muscles in your body that are involved in the mechanics of a sneeze, you'll see why this is a problem. There's all kinds of clenching and seizing up and sqwinching (it's a word, I looked it up. Maybe.) Sneezing causes the urine stream to likewise explode from whence it came, meaning it gets your ass and thighs all wet (if you're fortunate to be sitting on your own throne at home, that is....if you're hovering in public, well, you can imagine the mess - people sneezing mid-stream in public restrooms has contributed to the OCD disorders of millions of women around the country who cannot touch any bathroom surface without a germ-killing paper towel to protect them). Also, it reminds me of how much of my life I've spent doing involuntary and useless things like peeing and sneezing.
  • While I'm applying mascara or just after mascara has been applied. If you've ever wanted to poke your eyeball with a stick full of mud, try this at-home alternative, courtesy of Maybelline. OUCH. And need I mention the mess this makes? The main problem with this scenario is that once you get to the mascara portion of your makeup routine, you've generally already applied your concealer, foundation, powder, eyeshadow, eyeliner, etc. You can't remove just the wayward mascara without taking all 15 layers of makeup with it, and that results in a Q-tip shaped hole where your real skin is showing through. Perhaps folks will think it's a teardrop tattoo? And god forbid you're applying waterproof mascara. If so, you might as well start over because you're going to need to use eye makeup remover and afterwards you're going to have to shower to get that oily crap to come off your skin.

  • While I'm driving. This one is fairly self-explanitory, but if it's never happened to you, let me just say that when you sneeze YOUR EYES CLOSE INVOLUNTARILY. It's been a long time since I took drivers ed, but I'm quite sure I remember the part where they told us to always drive with our eyes open. At all times. Screw text messaging while driving - I say seasonal allergies are the real Road Killers.

I'd also like to point out that a sneeze feels remarkably similar to an orgasm. Again, with the clenching and the closing of the eyes and the tingling. The biggest difference is that during a sneeze, the explosive portion of the festivities is taking place in your face and not in your pants. Clearly it's not exactly the same, but the similarities are undeniable and I'm suddenly CREEPED OUT remembering that my dad likes to sneeze - tries to sneeze - encourages the pre-sneeze to develop into a sneeze by looking at bright lights and waving his hand around in front of his face (although I'm not sure what that does to help it along). I'm going to pretend that he likes sneezing because he's an attention whore who just wants people to tell him "gesundheit", and not because he's a sex fiend who sneezes because he can't get laid when I'm in the room.

Let me clarify that while I'm not fond of sneezing, I'm extremely partial to orgasms. It's just that I'm not likely to do the latter while I'm trying to drive or pee or put on makeup. If orgasms were going around messing with my day, I might feel differently about them.

Of course, there are the embarassing snotflyingfrommynoseinfrontofcuteboysinmyclass stories. I can't relive that one from 6th grade without a shudder even now. I'm pretty sure everyone still remembers that too, because I still remember the kid that puked up creamed corn at daycare in the 2nd grade. I'm totally going to have to avoid Blake Bryant at my next reuinion. I know there were at least 3 other witnesses, but I think I've blocked them out of my memory. Trauma and all that.

Next time: Deep Thoughts On Hiccups