Tuesday, September 30, 2008

State of My Uterus Address

I thought it was time for a little update on the baby bean and all things pregnancy-related. You know, because it's basically all I think about anymore and I'm determined to drag you down with me.

First, let me tell you that The Hunger? It's gone. It took it's ball and went home. Last Monday, I woke up and my stomach wasn't growling uncontrollably. I got to work and I made my normal "two pop tarts, peanut butter, and grapefruit" breakfast. I could only finish part of it. Later, I realized it had been 3 hours since breakfast and I was only then starting to feel hungry. I wasn't nauseous, I wasn't dizzy, and I wasn't an enraged beast with claws of death coming to eat you. I was simply...back to normal. This has continued for 8 days now, and I have to be honest - I'm a little freaked out. All my uncomfortable pregnancy symptoms disappeared overnight. I hear this is normal, that one day you wake up and realize you don't feel like barfing while simultaneously sizing up the neighbor's cat for tenderness and grill-ability. However, I was under the impression that this particular change typically occurs around the end of your first trimester, at 13 weeks or so. Last Monday, I was at 9 weeks and 3 days. And here I am today, at 10 weeks and 4 days, eerily un-hungry and non-pukey. What the hell?!

I hate to sound ungrateful and all, but IS MY BABY GOING TO DIE BECAUSE THE HUNGER IS GONE? Not only is The Hunger gone, but with it went The Fatigue. I never got around to posting about The Fatigue because I was just too damn tired.

I just have this sneaking suspicion that something is going on here...there is no way I'm getting off this lucky. My girlfriend Claudia would disagree - she told me at 5 weeks that I wouldn't get sick because I had no doubts about being pregnant at this point in my life. Which is true. But still...I'm the person who sits on the dumping end of The Universe's crap chute when it comes to stuff like this.

Let me just tell you - if my boobs weren't so damn big, I'd be terrified that something is wrong with the baby. Gray actually called me Hooters the other day, and under normal boob circumstances this would have been an extremely hurtful joke. This time, he kinda meant it. He keeps grabbing them like they're some kind of plaything for expectant daddies. He requests to examine them, you know, to see if they're still getting bigger. Oh, and he has confirmed that the nipular area is most definitely getting darker. YIKES! (Pregnant nipples scare me a little. I walked in on my sis when she 9 months pregnant, naked in the bathroom, and OMG her nipples were the size of Antarctica. They seriously were threatening to annex Australia.

Three's no cramping, no spotting or bleeding, nothing to indicate that anything is wrong. Not only that, and aside from the huge cans (ok, fine - marginally fuller cans), I can feel my giant uterus. When I'm wearing pants that are a bit tight in the waist, which is anytime I'm wearing pants, I can feel them mushing all the baby-related organs in there. And it hurts! I can't sit leaning forward. I get all light-headed every time I stand or sit up. And the crying - enough with the crying already! A guy in my class last night was telling me that he wanted a cherry Pepsi and the machine gave him a Dr. Pepper. I shit you not, my eyes welled up and I had to explain that I'm not crazy, nor am I a spokesperson for Pepsi - I'm just knocked up.

I'm trying to be grateful for the lack of morning sickness, really I am. Every time someone asks me how I'm feeling, which is about twice a minute, I tell them that I feel great and I've been really lucky so far. But secretly, I'm thinking that I can't wait for my OBGYN appointment on Friday so that I can hear my baby's heartbeat and know beyond a doubt that there is nothing wrong with my child.

As for The Hunger? We had an intervention and it ended up feeling kind of jerky about how it had been treating me, so it checked itself into a 30-day rehab program up at Hazelden. In the meantime, my original, Regular Appetite is back on duty, and I've been catching up with him. His mother was in the hospital, but now is home and doing fine, thank you for asking.

In conclusion, there is a lot of food in my pantry that will now be consumed at a regular eating pace, and therefore will last us until the End of Time. Crazy coincidence, End of Time and The Hunger used to play softball together in college. Small world!