Wednesday, October 01, 2008

O the Indignity

Due to the most recent of the pregnancy symptoms, I'm having major high school flashbacks. Oh god, the painful memories - they won't stop! My giant maroon car! I can't get my damn locker open. Again! I totally forgot to study for my French exam! God, my little sister is so annoying! Just got busted for smoking! Grounded for a month! O the humanity! I just want to D.I.E. Worst of all, the dreaded back-ne has returned. As in, Hi I'm 15 years old and have zits all over my body. That is why I'm wearing a turtleneck in July. Isn't that HOTT? Call me!

I'm going to have to go and buy that Neutrogena acne fighting body wash. For some reason, the prospect of purchasing products to rid myself of body zits is more embarrassing to me than the thought of buying adult diapers. Which is good, because I hear that I might need them after this baby is born. Perhaps I actually fit more into the target market for hemorrhoid cream than for acne fighting body wash. These days, I do get more enjoyment from those "I shoulda used Preparation H" commercials than I do from the Clearasil girl who splashes water on her face in slow motion. When I was younger, I so appreciated the art in that splash.

Next thing you know, I'll have given up my Playboy and regressed back to reading Seventeen magazine. Which, whatever - it will totally make me feel better about my body and probably empower me to go and start a non-profit by the age of 19. Wait...(counts on hand)...oh, crap. Well, all I can say is that I am so not used to having zits on my back, neck or chest anymore. Ass? Yeah, sometimes in the summer with all of the thigh sweating and all. But I see that in porn movies all the time, so I totally know it's normal for grown women to have ass zits.

In addition to the indignity of back-ne, my hairline from ear to ear is one lumpy, bumpy mess. My jawline is a gravel road. Fortunately, it's not a super visible situation. Neither are the GIANT ITCHY ZITS on my scalp. And no, I do not have lice. (Oh my god can you imagine if I did? I'd have to wax Gray's entire body to get rid of the nits. It would be a bloodbath. I would so buy a camcorder for that!) I'd like to point out that just because my zits are hidden by clothing and hair does not mean that they are not having an effect on my social life. I never get laid anymore. Oh, that's right - it's because when the Back-ne Hormone arrived at my door, it kicked my Libido Hormone out on it's ass. It's been living on the streets under a copy of The Onion and eating out of dumpsters.

At least I'm pretty sure Gray prefers it this way - there has to be an unspoken No Sex During a Back-ne Epidemic relationship rule or something. I don't know about the lice, but according to Seventeen magazine, neck zits? They are, like, totally contagious!