Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Attn: Complaint Department

Wal-Mart Stores, Inc.
Attn: Customer Service
702 S.W. 8th Street
Bentonville, AR 72716

November 28th
Valley Stream, NY Store closing

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing to complain about my experience at the Valley Stream, NY Walmart store on Thursday, November 28th, 2008. I had been waiting in line outside your store for over 7 hours in order to purchase the Bissel compact upright vacuum which had been advertised at $28.00. I spent my entire Thanksgiving night in the bitter cold, braving the weather, steadfast in my resolve to purchase a deeply discounted household appliance. Then immediately before I was able to shove through the throngs of other shoppers and enter the store, a police barricade was set up to block my entry. Some patrons ahead of me were allowed to enter the building and shop until they dropped, while the rest of us were kept outside, milling about like cattle. This is the worst customer service I have ever experienced.

I understand that a store employee was killed by hundreds of crazed shoppers, like myself, as they ran him over and trampled him to death on their way to the $798 flat screen TVs, and I'm sorry for his family and all, but how dare you advertise that you'll be open at 5:00 a.m., and then proceed to lock me out! I am outraged! I have been waiting my entire life to buy the Bissel vacuum, and while I have three other perfectly good vacuums at home, I am entitled to my $28 bargain from Walmart. To be denied such a luxury is unheard of. There is certainly no reason why the emergency medical workers could not have dragged the man's limp, lifeless body into one of the unoccupied checkout lanes before continuing resuscitation efforts. It was unthinkable to close the entire store just to attend to the needs of a man who was clearly no longer alive. To be inconvenienced by such trivial matters is inexcusable.

Not only did I wait in line for 7 hours, but I also had to stab an elderly man for cutting ahead of me (that he was trying to reach his oxygen tank is irrelevant), strangle and dispose of a young child who was telling knock-knock jokes to the security guards (what if he distracted them from unlocking the doors at 5:00 on the dot), and go without my nightly cocktail hour in order to remain alert and ready for bargain shopping. The emotional and the physical trauma I endured during my long, long night in front of your store will haunt me for the rest of my life.

I demand that you send me a rain check for the $28 Bissel compact upright vacuum within 7 business days, or I will take my business elsewhere. Perhaps K-Mart will appreciate my maniacal thirst for cheap crap, and value my patronage much more than you seem to.

With insane, blood-thirsty laughter,

Lolita Razzle Dazzle