Monday, December 29, 2008

Mine Are Chipping Already

I have several, completely unrelated and questionably interesting topics to cover today. It's like my Monday mash-up or something. Happy Monday, by the way. And by "happy", I mean "what choice do we have"? Mondays after holidays = c'est terrible. I only worked three days last week, and now I'm back for a full five. Total shock to my system. No, I get no time off for the New Year holiday, unfortunately. That makes me the designated driver on Wednesday night, and we all know how fun that normally is. But with my new camera in tow, it might make for a highly productive photographic endeavor.

Gray won his fantasy football Super Bowl last night. I really don't understand how the whole thing works, because the fantasy teams have all these random players (who aren't randomly chosen, from what I hear) from lots of different teams, and somehow this web site tracks how each player performs in each game, then adds up all the points for each make-believe really baffles my mind that anyone gives enough of a shit to do this. But people seem to love them some fantasy football. So YAY for Gray and his totally pretend team! He's getting lots of flack because he also managed his league, so since he won the pretend Super Bowl, it must mean he cheated in some way. But figuring out how to cheat at an activity that requires compiling so many different statistics every week...well then I'd say he deserves to win even if he DID cheat.

I asked him if this means I get my Super Bowl ring now, and he assured me I would indeed be getting a ring this year. So YAY for ME for Gray and his totally pretend team! (Incidentally, which finger does a Super Bowl ring go on, and can I get mine sized to a 4.5?)*

I had a dream last night that kind of freaked me out. I was with Gray and his mom, and we were at church, and they were trying to get us to become church members. It wasn't just any church, we were at a Super Church. You know, the monolithic establishments with parking lots bigger than you find at the airport? The kind that have televised services? Yeah, one of those Super Churches. And in no way should "super" be interpreted as "pretty neat".

I was sitting in the front row, and during the sermon, the minister (i.e. Send Me Your Money guy) locked eyes with me, then proceeded to "lay his hands on my head", which (if you grew up like I did, you've had this done countless times) entailed his clapping one hand over each of my temples, and speaking in tongues. I don't remember if he was praying for the holy spirit to fill me or what, but I was bound and determined not to let this guy think he was having any effect on me (most people fall down in a kind of "swoon" or begin weeping or dancing or some other embarrassing activity). So I stared him down. So he tried again. And I kept staring. Eventually, bewildered, he turned away with some comment about me being filled with the devil. Now, had this been real life instead of a dream, such a statement would have elicited a flurry of hand-laying and tongue-speaking and demon-casting. Instead, we flashed forward to after the sermon.

We were in the giant basement, which was really a huge store like Bed Bath & Beyond. Each new recruit got a certain number of "points" for attending the first service, and we used those "points" to "purchase" household goods from their basement store. Two women accompanied us around the store and helped us make our selections (me, a red and tan striped shower curtain and a new duvet). Gray and I were split up from his mother, and we met back up at the cash registers.

His mother was PISSED because they had only given her half the points we were given (we got more for arriving together as a couple, apparently) and the only thing she could purchase was a small white stool. She was going on and on about how she already HAD a small white stool in her living room, and now where was she going to put this one? We tried to calm her down as we strapped our new stuff onto our scooter (??) and took off for home (which happened to be Bentonville, Arkansas). Then I woke up.

Anyone want to take a shot at interpreting that dream? I'm not sure I want to know.

Finally, I went and got a mani-pedi on the Sunday before Christmas with the last of my holiday money from family. It was heaven (kind of) as I hadn't had it done since August (literally), but as always, I was a bit uncomfortable. This video will help explain why that was and oh my god is this woman funny.

This time, I was being interrogated about why I no like having my eyebrows waxed. And then my manicurist and the woman beside her proceeded to have that exact same conversation from the video. They were snippy with me until I tipped her (which comes before the nail polish), at which point they decided that whether I waxed my eyebrows or not, I was a damned good tipper and they'd better be nice so I come back and over-tip them again.

*Like how I threw that in here so that if he's paying attention he won't have to come up with a clever way to ask me that particular bit of information? I'm subtle like that.