I'm following too many blogs. Seriously. There are 196 new posts in my Google Reader since yesterday. YESTERDAY! This isn't going to work. I'm going to have to break up with some of you. I'm in school now. I have actual reading assignments that don't involve you people. I tried to convince the Dean that because I'm a famous blogger with 55 (!!) followers, and because I read so many other blogs on a daily basis, that technically I've fulfilled all the requirements for my English degree, and I shouldn't have to take any additional courses. They should just give me the diploma. Don't you think?
I guess he didn't agree. Something about "academic standards" and "living in reality", I don't know, he kept using all these fancy terms I didn't understand so I kind of tuned him out after a while. I'm pretty sure he was just making up stuff to intimidate me (NO WAY is "unconscionable" real word), which I think is really fucking unprofessional behavior for someone in his position at a university. Not only is he refusing to grant me a diploma for all of my hard work and determination during my first class of the semester, but he's also discriminating against me because I'm a blogger, and I intend to take it up with Al Sharpton as soon as I lose my "sexy black lady/heavy smoker" voice.
It seems that word got around the Interweb about how fantastic I am, because then I got a comment from Teri (rhymes with Sheri - coincidence? I think so) at Cold Lemonade, informing me that she was jumping on the Cat's Awesome bandwagon by awarding me the Lemonade Stand award. I'm choosing to believe that the "50 cents" on the icon has NOTHING to do with the fact that Teri thinks I'm a cheap slut. Because nobody taps this for less than $80, yo.
Then, it's like the Universe is totally apologizing for being such a raging bitch on Monday, because I got ANOTHER award from my Latin lover Petra from The Wise (*Young*) Mommy. This award is special because it's not really based on my blogging abilities, but on my abilities to please a woman in bed. I know you all are totally imagining that right now, so I'll pause a moment......................................sexy, right? I know, it's hard for me just to get ready in the morning because I want to tear my own clothes off, which is counterproductive to arriving at work on time. I've got all my mirrors covered over with sheets, and it's got nothing to do with vampires (although that's an admitted bonus).
All these awards had rules. Rules I don't wish to follow. At all. So I'm going to make my own rules, and pass these along as follows:
- To Elle Charlie from Sometimes A Girl Needs A Blog: I present to you the Lemonade Stand Award, because there's nobody who knows better how fucking sour life can be at times. But you keep on keepin' on, and the Universe awards you with funny shit like this (ok, maybe not funny now, but someday it will be - I certainly got a good chuckle out of it).
- To my Jill at Confessions of a Desperate Housewife: I present to you the You Are Truly Beautiful Award, because...that one is pretty self-explanatory. I haven't seen your boobs in a while, but I'm guessing they're just at hott as ever they were. Also, think of how gorgeous you'll be after you're done with smoking!
- To Anndi at Anndi's Transition: I present to you the Honest Scrap Award because you don't hold back. You're on this rad journey, and you're taking us all with you.
- To Bobbie at Welcome to Bobbieland: I present to you the Butterfly Award because...well, it's the last one left, and I figured I'd better give you something so I didn't have to hear you whine about how nobody loves you and nobody comments on your blog. Seriously? Coming from the Queen of Attention Whores? You're a total slut. That's why I love you.
I know that almost none of that made any sense, but hopefully you'll go check out these docious blogs anyways. It's not their fault I'm all doped up on Sudafed (still) and talking to the giant green man in the corner of my office.