Thursday, January 15, 2009

I'm Just All Kinds of (drugged up) Fancy Over Here

I hope nobody flung themselves from a bridge yesterday when they realized I hadn't posted anything here. Because I'd really hate to be responsible for an expensive body recovery mission. Although if you live around here, where the air temperature hasn't been above zero degrees since Monday, you would have just landed on ice below the bridge, and all they would have to do is send one of those rescue dogs out on the ice to drag you back to shore (preferably the kind of rescue dog that is trained not to eat dead animals, because that's what you'd be). In which case, I hope I'm listed as your "next of kin" so I can come and look at you in the morgue. I've never seen a dead person before! Ok, that's not really true. But I've never seen a dead person who died from flinging themselves off a bridge because I didn't post to my blog yesterday. I imagine it would be a humbling experience. Humbling and inspirational.

I'm following too many blogs. Seriously. There are 196 new posts in my Google Reader since yesterday. YESTERDAY! This isn't going to work. I'm going to have to break up with some of you. I'm in school now. I have actual reading assignments that don't involve you people. I tried to convince the Dean that because I'm a famous blogger with 55 (!!) followers, and because I read so many other blogs on a daily basis, that technically I've fulfilled all the requirements for my English degree, and I shouldn't have to take any additional courses. They should just give me the diploma. Don't you think?

I guess he didn't agree. Something about "academic standards" and "living in reality", I don't know, he kept using all these fancy terms I didn't understand so I kind of tuned him out after a while. I'm pretty sure he was just making up stuff to intimidate me (NO WAY is "unconscionable" real word), which I think is really fucking unprofessional behavior for someone in his position at a university. Not only is he refusing to grant me a diploma for all of my hard work and determination during my first class of the semester, but he's also discriminating against me because I'm a blogger, and I intend to take it up with Al Sharpton as soon as I lose my "sexy black lady/heavy smoker" voice.

At first, I really appreciated all of your comments about my Really Fucking Bad Day. (Except for you, Kel. If I wanted to hear that kind of "be grateful for what you have" crap, I'd go to church. Shut up and go back to the beach.)

But then I realized that if you guys had actually wanted to make me feel better, you would have done what Sheri from Sheri's World did, which is give me TWO awards on your blog, which is almost as good as getting a check in the mail. Except not quite as good because there's no money for me. But thanks anyways, Sheri. It's the thought that counts. And yes, I'm truly a beautiful butterfly, thank you for noticing.

It seems that word got around the Interweb about how fantastic I am, because then I got a comment from Teri (rhymes with Sheri - coincidence? I think so) at Cold Lemonade, informing me that she was jumping on the Cat's Awesome bandwagon by awarding me the Lemonade Stand award. I'm choosing to believe that the "50 cents" on the icon has NOTHING to do with the fact that Teri thinks I'm a cheap slut. Because nobody taps this for less than $80, yo.

Then, it's like the Universe is totally apologizing for being such a raging bitch on Monday, because I got ANOTHER award from my Latin lover Petra from The Wise (*Young*) Mommy. This award is special because it's not really based on my blogging abilities, but on my abilities to please a woman in bed. I know you all are totally imagining that right now, so I'll pause a, right? I know, it's hard for me just to get ready in the morning because I want to tear my own clothes off, which is counterproductive to arriving at work on time. I've got all my mirrors covered over with sheets, and it's got nothing to do with vampires (although that's an admitted bonus).

All these awards had rules. Rules I don't wish to follow. At all. So I'm going to make my own rules, and pass these along as follows:
  • To Elle Charlie from Sometimes A Girl Needs A Blog: I present to you the Lemonade Stand Award, because there's nobody who knows better how fucking sour life can be at times. But you keep on keepin' on, and the Universe awards you with funny shit like this (ok, maybe not funny now, but someday it will be - I certainly got a good chuckle out of it).
  • To my Jill at Confessions of a Desperate Housewife: I present to you the You Are Truly Beautiful Award, because...that one is pretty self-explanatory. I haven't seen your boobs in a while, but I'm guessing they're just at hott as ever they were. Also, think of how gorgeous you'll be after you're done with smoking!
  • To Anndi at Anndi's Transition: I present to you the Honest Scrap Award because you don't hold back. You're on this rad journey, and you're taking us all with you.
  • To Bobbie at Welcome to Bobbieland: I present to you the Butterfly Award because...well, it's the last one left, and I figured I'd better give you something so I didn't have to hear you whine about how nobody loves you and nobody comments on your blog. Seriously? Coming from the Queen of Attention Whores? You're a total slut. That's why I love you.

I know that almost none of that made any sense, but hopefully you'll go check out these docious blogs anyways. It's not their fault I'm all doped up on Sudafed (still) and talking to the giant green man in the corner of my office.