The chemical smell I mentioned yesterday? Well, I Googled it because I was afraid that my body is so intrinsically and violently opposed to exercise that it was attempting to deter me from running by giving me olfactory hallucinations. Turns out that I'm not crazy after all. I know, I'm just as surprised as you are.
The chemical smell? It's ammonia. This sports guy named Dr. Lewis G. Maharam gives the low-down on ammonia sweat. It's fascinating, and by "fascinating", I mean that it's disgusting BUT! It does explain my chemical odor issue. Isn't there a band called My Chemical Odor? Something like that anyway. I bet they're emo. Or scientists.
Now, Dr. Maharam says that the cause of the ammonia sweat is my body having to break down amino acids for energy because I don't have enough carbs in my system. Which? HA HA HA! That's the best laugh I've had all week. Clearly, this man has never been to my house. He hasn't seen the entire kitchen cabinet devoted to noodles. He has never witnessed my passionate love affair with rice. He doesn't want to begin to imagine what I do with Italian bread loaves.
Trust me: I am not carbohydrate deficient.
Except that I smell like ammonia, so I must be. My other weapon against the odor is drinking more water, so that my kidneys can dispose of the nitrogen in my pee pee instead of squirting it out of my pores. And if worse comes to worst, I can always just kind of smear myself all over the counter when I get home. I will double as a love machine and a household cleanser. How green would I be!?
So...aren't you glad I cleared up that little mystery for you all? You're welcome. Go have that breakfast now that you're good and repulsed.
"Im just a love machine
ReplyDeleteAnd I wont work for nobody but you,
Im just a love machine,
A huggin, kissin fiend."
So now I know! Holy cow, I just learned something!
And that image of you smearing yourself all over the counter, man, what a commercial that would be! To bad I can't be Mr. Clean...
Candy doesn't count as carbs? What the hell? Dr. Whatthehelleverhisnameis must be cracked. You are a carb whore!
ReplyDeleteCan you come rub your naked ammonia sweating body all over my shower? I have some serious hard water stains I need to take care of.
Wow. I got nothing this morning. My dreams took it all out of me. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteWell, that explains why I've never smelled ammonia. I AM a carb. One big, friggin' card. Plus, I don't run all that much (and by 'all that much', I mean 'not at all'). But you're inspiring me, so that could all change. Probably not but you never know.
ReplyDeleteSo is running the only way to work out if you are carb deficient? Because I would hate to have to run to find out if there is an easier way...
ReplyDeleteThat's interesting... and disgusting. All wrapped up in one. I say drink more water and hope for the best!!
ReplyDeleteOk, I'm reading in the wrong order since I haven't read yesterday's post yet but I'll get there. That's so weird that it's carb deficiency. I wouldn't have that problem either. I get a weird sweet-sweaty smell when I've been exercising for a long time (over 45 minutes). You're not so weird, at least not for your smell.
ReplyDeleteWow I would totally stick with the carb thing and just eat strickly bread or cresent rolls. Shit now I'm hungry!
ReplyDeleteI suspect the Real Reason you smell like ammonia is because you were actually born on one of the Gas Giants in our Solar System (Probably Jupiter, or at least one of the Jovian moons) and you were spirited away by your Alien Parents and sold to your Earth Parents for next to nothing.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm sure that, every s often, the Aliens return and, without your knowledge, subject you to regular sessions of “Gang Probing” just to see if you’ve figured out your actual parentage yet.
This theory would explain a lot.
P.S. You didn’t mention if you were running topless or not. I need to know these details.
@CS Perry: Topless running? Not as cool as you might think.
ReplyDeleteFor us: Think 'casaba melons on a trampoline'. Wee!
For her: Think '(smack)OW(smack)OW(smack)OW...' and black eyes.
Although I could be wrong...
Hmm, are you sure you smell like ammonia? Have you had this verified by a third party? Feel free to send a bottle of sweat if you need help determining this ;)
ReplyDeleteThe doctor might mean healthy carbs. There are carbs (sugar is a carb, so is white pasta) that won't assist you in running and then there are carbs (like veggies or wheat pasta) that will help you.
ReplyDeleteAlso drinking a lot of water will help get rid of that smell and also might help the backne.
ReplyDeleteSince I quit drinking pop and drink a lot of water, I stopped getting leg cramps, I'm not as tired or hungry. It's amazing what water does for the body.
Hi! Wait...Regis and Kelly just came on and I have to change the channel before my brain explodes...'kay, sorry, I am back. Took a while because I couldn't figure out which channel on the TV is hooked to the DVD player.
ReplyDeleteI don't run. I do now use an elliptical trainer, because a) there's a really great new one in my heated garage, and 2)it's in the garage, so I don't have to worry about running into one of my husband's soldiers at the gym while I look like death. I don't smell ammonia, but I don't think I have been working out hard enough yet.
If you are leaching ammonia, don't bleach your lip hair. You could have a chemical reaction, release toxic fumes, cause the city to call in the haz-mat team or the fire dept and they would have to hose you down. Wait, having to get naked for firemen would be a bonus.
ReplyDeleteI've never heard of that before, that's so wierd!!!
ReplyDeleteYou are right though, smearing yourself on your counters and kitchen floor would save you money on cleaning products.
So technically if I wring you out I can mop my floors right?
ReplyDeleteIf you smeared yourself all over the counter, wouldn't that be about the same as peeing on it?
ReplyDeleteThanks for clarifying that.
ReplyDelete"Smelly cat, smelly cat..."
There are so many things I want to say here.
ReplyDelete#1. Now I also know why I have never had this phenomenon, because I, like Diane, AM a big carb and definitely have never had a shortage of carbs in my body a day in my life.
#2. The thought of what you should be peeing coming out of your skin smelling like ammonia is making me a little queasy, BUT
#3. The thought of you smearing yourself all over my counters and bathroom tile whilst nude totally turns me on and knocks out the sick feeling, so that's good.
#4. I would like to know what you do with Italian bread loaves. Badly. ;)
I only don't object to learning things when they make me laugh so hard the room starts to smell of ammonia. So I didn't object to this.
ReplyDeleteHugs
Anna xxx
What a funny post! I will now be aware of funny smells when I exercise.
ReplyDeleteThat is actually a fascinating, educational and entertaining post all in one.
ReplyDelete