Monday, January 12, 2009

I've Got Answers (To Questions You Didn't Ask)

The chemical smell I mentioned yesterday? Well, I Googled it because I was afraid that my body is so intrinsically and violently opposed to exercise that it was attempting to deter me from running by giving me olfactory hallucinations. Turns out that I'm not crazy after all. I know, I'm just as surprised as you are.

The chemical smell? It's ammonia. This sports guy named Dr. Lewis G. Maharam gives the low-down on ammonia sweat. It's fascinating, and by "fascinating", I mean that it's disgusting BUT! It does explain my chemical odor issue. Isn't there a band called My Chemical Odor? Something like that anyway. I bet they're emo. Or scientists.

Now, Dr. Maharam says that the cause of the ammonia sweat is my body having to break down amino acids for energy because I don't have enough carbs in my system. Which? HA HA HA! That's the best laugh I've had all week. Clearly, this man has never been to my house. He hasn't seen the entire kitchen cabinet devoted to noodles. He has never witnessed my passionate love affair with rice. He doesn't want to begin to imagine what I do with Italian bread loaves.

Trust me: I am not carbohydrate deficient.

Except that I smell like ammonia, so I must be. My other weapon against the odor is drinking more water, so that my kidneys can dispose of the nitrogen in my pee pee instead of squirting it out of my pores. And if worse comes to worst, I can always just kind of smear myself all over the counter when I get home. I will double as a love machine and a household cleanser. How green would I be!?

So...aren't you glad I cleared up that little mystery for you all? You're welcome. Go have that breakfast now that you're good and repulsed.