Friday, February 13, 2009

At Least I Hear You Die Real Fast This Way, Which Beats A Gut Shot

I love the word "exsanguinate" but not, you know, what it means.

The English language never ceases to amaze me. How can so many words that feel SO RIGHT on my tongue (like "episiotomy", "pustule", and "bitch slap", ) have definitions that are so negative?
I used to watch a lot of CSI (until I realized I'd already seen, like, every single episode, not because they were reruns, but because THEY ARE ALL EXACTLY THE SAME), and I'd sit on the couch all curled up with a cup of tea - ok, let's be real: it was usually a coffee mug of Popov - and while I was singing The Who at the top of my lungs, I'd be rooting in my head for someone to slit someone else's throat! YES! So I can hear Grissom say "exsanguinate" over and over!

Those strangulation episodes were a real let down, as were the head traumas and drug deals gone wrong. The ones where people got chopped up were ok, but still, nothing says "relaxation" like watching a show about some chick who got decapitated because her lover thought she was stealing cash and hiding it in her trachea.

Let's break down all the pieces of "exsanguinate" and determine where this awesome word went bad.

  • First, we've got "ex". I don't know about you, but this word means "freedom" to me. And freedom is most definitely a good thing, unless you're that damned caged bird that sings all the time, in which case you don't much seem to care one way or the other.

  • Then we've got "sang". How can anybody not fucking love sang? We do it in the shower! We do it at the bar! We do it in the car! At weddings! At ball games! Sang is a good goddamn thing! Unless you're Gray, in which case PLEASE I BEG OF YOU NEVER SING AGAIN. Singing is not for you.

  • Next up is "guin", which doesn't mean anything at all. But it also doesn't mean anything BAD, and it kinda sounds like "grin", which generally has positive connotations. Unless it's one of those creepy grins, like the cashier at Walgreen's gave me yesterday. The kind that looks like it means "I'd like to exsantuinate you" instead of "today is double coupon day".

  • Last up is "ate", and the only way you could look at this in a negative light would be if you said, "I really want some of that bacon, but I'm full 'cause I already ate."

So there you have it: scientific proof that the word "exsanguinate" is really an awesome thing, regardless of how pop-culture has twisted it's original meaning. I'm going to start telling people I want to exsanguinate them, which really means I want to be free to sing and eat bacon with them.

(Wait - I just looked up "scientific proof", and I'm going to have to dispute the meaning of those words tomorrow, otherwise this entire post was a waste of time.)

Speaking of exsanguinate, this is how we'll be spending our Friday the 13th: