Friday, February 06, 2009

I Kinda Wish I Were An Oscar Meyer Winner

Thank fucking god the weekend is upon us, not only because I want to take my pants off without fear of losing my job, but also because I've been featured (again) on Five Star Friday! Can you believe it? Go check me out! Although, I'm sure all of you faithful readers have already read and commented on my totally emo Eleven's End post. But still, go check out all the other awesome bloggers that have been featured this week!


Something preternatural tells me that I might owe a "thank you" to my special Interwebby necromancer friend (you know who you are, Miss Poo) for this honor. Would you like your payment in U.S. dollars? Or are the Canadian dollars still worth more these days? I might just send your bribe in rubles so I don't guess wrong and offend you, Canadians are bad asses, and also because there are a lot of Russians in my apartment building, many of them little old ladies who would be easy to mug. Also, what size would you like your I HEART CAT t-shirt to be? I'm going to guess Large, but only because I like to think you're busty. Just shoot me an email and let me know. Oh, and attach a photo in lieu of measurements.

And now, I'll regale you with several unrelated bullet points. That's all I've got going on up here today. My apologies in advance. ALTHOUGH for those of you interested, I am working on the next installment of everybody's favorite child killer Jonesy! Stay tuned for that shit!

  • Last Friday at the movie theatre, I went to the bathroom before The Wrestler started (I figured if it was anything like WWE wrestling, that it would be long and go on and on and on...so I should pee). As I'm veering left into the women's room, this boy - maybe 9 or 10 years old - is walking into the ladies' room in front of me. I've totally done that before, except...you know, with the men's' room, so I was kind of amused / slash / embarrassed for the poor kid but didn't really know if I should call out, "Hey kid, you're going into the women's' bathroom", so I decided just to watch and see what he would do. Finally, a lady came walking out of the bathroom and as she passed the boy, I saw his entire body kind of freeze for a second, like a deer caught in headlights. He clearly wasn't sure how to proceed. Should he turn around and run away? Should he pretend he's just a lesbian girl? WHAT TO DO? In the end, he decided to just "roll with it", he was already committed to walking that direction, so he just bolted into the women's' room and slammed the door on the first open stall. I kind of chuckled to myself and did my business. Then as I was washing my hands, I saw him peer out of the stall before he high tailed his ass right out of the bathroom without washing his hands. I felt kind of bad for the kid. I felt even worse for whoever was sharing popcorn with the kid.

  • Several of you recommended that I fold my brain tissue around some Flannery O'Connor. Then I came across a Flannery O'Connor quote in my Imaginative Writing textbook. Then I looked on the list of books approved by my dred-ed instructor for a paper I have to write, and "any book by Flannery O'Connor" was on there. I googled some additional quotes, and I found that Miss O'Conner was a total bitch, which means I'll be reading me some Flannery O'Connor as soon as possible. Thank you. And you're welcome.

  • I went to the dentist for a teeth cleaning yesterday afternoon, and I practically had an orgasm when the hygienist brought out this industrial tooth floss and filed between my teeth. It was about a quarter inch wide ribbon of METAL. Literally metal. I don't know what kind of metal because when I begged her to give me some, she ignored my pleas and blathered something about how using it all the time would file my teeth away to powder. But it FELT SO GOOD. And it cleared out some little bits of plaque (or whatever the fuck it is) so that now my regular, puny-ass tooth floss glides much more smoothly and my teeth look whiter. And yes, I'm kind of a flossing fanatic.

That is all. Begone!