Something preternatural tells me that I might owe a "thank you" to my special Interwebby necromancer friend (you know who you are, Miss Poo) for this honor. Would you like your payment in U.S. dollars? Or are the Canadian dollars still worth more these days? I might just send your bribe in rubles so I don't guess wrong and offend you, Canadians are bad asses, and also because there are a lot of Russians in my apartment building, many of them little old ladies who would be easy to mug. Also, what size would you like your I HEART CAT t-shirt to be? I'm going to guess Large, but only because I like to think you're busty. Just shoot me an email and let me know. Oh, and attach a photo in lieu of measurements.
And now, I'll regale you with several unrelated bullet points. That's all I've got going on up here today. My apologies in advance. ALTHOUGH for those of you interested, I am working on the next installment of everybody's favorite child killer Jonesy! Stay tuned for that shit!
- Last Friday at the movie theatre, I went to the bathroom before The Wrestler started (I figured if it was anything like WWE wrestling, that it would be long and go on and on and on...so I should pee). As I'm veering left into the women's room, this boy - maybe 9 or 10 years old - is walking into the ladies' room in front of me. I've totally done that before, except...you know, with the men's' room, so I was kind of amused / slash / embarrassed for the poor kid but didn't really know if I should call out, "Hey kid, you're going into the women's' bathroom", so I decided just to watch and see what he would do. Finally, a lady came walking out of the bathroom and as she passed the boy, I saw his entire body kind of freeze for a second, like a deer caught in headlights. He clearly wasn't sure how to proceed. Should he turn around and run away? Should he pretend he's just a lesbian girl? WHAT TO DO? In the end, he decided to just "roll with it", he was already committed to walking that direction, so he just bolted into the women's' room and slammed the door on the first open stall. I kind of chuckled to myself and did my business. Then as I was washing my hands, I saw him peer out of the stall before he high tailed his ass right out of the bathroom without washing his hands. I felt kind of bad for the kid. I felt even worse for whoever was sharing popcorn with the kid.
- Several of you recommended that I fold my brain tissue around some Flannery O'Connor. Then I came across a Flannery O'Connor quote in my Imaginative Writing textbook. Then I looked on the list of books approved by my dred-ed instructor for a paper I have to write, and "any book by Flannery O'Connor" was on there. I googled some additional quotes, and I found that Miss O'Conner was a total bitch, which means I'll be reading me some Flannery O'Connor as soon as possible. Thank you. And you're welcome.
- I went to the dentist for a teeth cleaning yesterday afternoon, and I practically had an orgasm when the hygienist brought out this industrial tooth floss and filed between my teeth. It was about a quarter inch wide ribbon of METAL. Literally metal. I don't know what kind of metal because when I begged her to give me some, she ignored my pleas and blathered something about how using it all the time would file my teeth away to powder. But it FELT SO GOOD. And it cleared out some little bits of plaque (or whatever the fuck it is) so that now my regular, puny-ass tooth floss glides much more smoothly and my teeth look whiter. And yes, I'm kind of a flossing fanatic.
That is all. Begone!
I love to floss too. I have a thing for that. I chew on the plastic tag holder things (like when you buy a new shirt., and you pull off the tag?) Do you know what I am talking about. I floss with them until my gums are bleeding. FEELS SO GOOD!
ReplyDeleteHow do you get to be as big as you are without ever having read Fannery O'Connor?
ReplyDeletemmmmm floss. mmmm
ReplyDeleteWell, congrats on the FSF posting! That's really cool. I am sure you would agree that you can never have too much exposure, yeah?;)
ReplyDeleteYou deserve it. "Eleven's End" was tremendous, a great piece of writing. Boo-yah to you!
Oh, and the wrong restroom thing? I did that as a full grown man at a Baltimore Orioles baseball game. Once you are in, you're in, so fullteam ahead! Weird, trying to pee standing up in a room full of ladies...
LOL, congrats on the Five Star feature girl!!
ReplyDeleteI would like a 'I HEART CAT' tshirt as well please!!
I too am a floss fanatic, but im also a guy who HATES to buy floss, i am currently out of floss, RED: Teeth arent being cleaned!
ReplyDeleteI thought I was the only one who liked the dentist. I love it when they use that hook scraper thing and pick off calcium deposits from between my teeth. Feels so great.
ReplyDeletePoor kid. IM gald he followed through though
ReplyDeleteUntraFloss is my favorite but I also keep Glide Floss in my purse too. Gotta floss!
ReplyDeleteMy hygenist gives me her old dental scrapers. They are perfect to work with polymer clay sculpting and many other uses.
I heart my dentist office.
Having the dentist floss you with metal floss is like having the hairdresser blow dry/style your hair...two things that NEVER get done when I'm in charge of my lazy-ass self.
ReplyDeleteWhen my brother was little he used to take the Cinnamon floss that Johnson and Johnson makes and suck all the flavoring off. He was such a weird kid.
ReplyDeleteGumbo didn't mention he was dressed as a woman at the time.
ReplyDeleteMetal floss???
They used that metal shit on me the other day and my entire head vibrated and not in the good way. I can't believe you liked it!
ReplyDeleteWas it heavy metal floss? Made by Metallica? (Give them a few more years and their tours will be sponsored by Dentu-Grip.)
ReplyDeleteYour restroom story reminds me of something I did when I was a teenager. I'm going to ref you on Tues, m;kay?
Have a great weekend!
I've been busy this week, but Eleven's End was wonderful in that makes-you-sob way. You are a gifted storyteller. And I too, floss religiously.
ReplyDeleteI hate the dentist. We are way overdue for cleanings because damn. We moved, and while our dentist in Tucson grew up in Anchorage, he was not willing to move back up here so I could avoid the whole need to find a new dentist hassle.
ReplyDeleteSame thing with the vet.
Selfish bastards.
Eleven’s end was a great piece of writing, and the recognition is very much earned. Having been there from the male perspective, your imagery of the event was spectacular and incredibly accurate.
ReplyDeleteCongrats! Yay you. I saw a cross-dresser in the bathroom once. Yay me.
ReplyDeleteMetal in the mouth is not a good thing. The scritchity scratching didn't bother you? There's nothing orgasmic about the dentist's office.
ReplyDeleteYou make with the scatological nickname and don't link? I might fart in your general direction, but I wouldn't stop reading you.
ReplyDeleteMy dentist is holding out on me...I've never had the metal floss. I hate the cleaning, with that gritty crap. But I do so love when she flosses me. Ooooohhh baby....
ReplyDeleteDude.
ReplyDeleteI had braces for 5 years, and definitely had my teeth filed. You are crazy, because that shit sucks HARD. UGH, it squicks me out just thinking about it.
I should post before and after pics though because I?
Was a fucking DOOFY looking kid.
Thanks for the braces Mom and Dad!
And now I have this unnatural fear of the dentist. It's kind of fucked up.
And I hope you don't think that totally emo posts are bad, because yours are not. I could so write a doozy right now, but nobody wants to read that shit.
Working overnight again, so maybe I will do it anyway.
i'm totally with you on the floss.
ReplyDelete