We've never been friends, Yeast and me. Trust me - you don't want me to elaborate any further. But I'm going to anyway.
In my years as a woman, Yeast has often been my itchy, discharge-y foe in the great Underwear Battle that is life. Apparently, I have a very delicate ecosystem ::down there:: For a while, mostly during what I refer to as The Condom Years, I kept almost as many tubes of Vagisil stashed around my house as I do chapstick. In more recent years, things have been better. I've adjusted to the crazy pollen in the Minnesota air, and subsequently have suffered fewer pneumonia-induced antibiotic regimens. I've learned that the post-coital bladder evacuation is my friend. I've embraced the blow job.
But most importantly, I've met my new best friend: Dry Active Yeast.
I've never been a fan of baking, the many reasons for which can be summed up with "Because You Have To Measure Shit", and I hate measuring shit. I appreciate those with the patience and attention span required to follow a specific list of ingredients, adding (the most ridiculous amounts) a quarter teaspoon of Cream of Tartar (which I'm hoping is not related to teeth), or a "dash" of something, in a perfect ratio of shit, the combination of which results in one of my favorite things: Carbohydrates. Bless you people who bake, I am not like you.
Even when I try to bake a cake from a boxed mix, I fuck it up. Somehow, my attention wanders as I'm reading the directions, and I leave out some crucial ingredient (usually, the only one they ask me to add) like eggs, and I end up with a 1/4" thick, 25lb. frisbee.
I've always been an decent cook because with cooking, I can just throw a bunch of shit together (without a recipe), using common sense (or hunger) as my measurements, and end up with something that vaguely resembles food. Thankfully, I've always lived with men who will eat anything, provided it has not come into contact with a green bean.
But, my friends, Dry Active Yeast called my name this weekend. I heard it calling from the cupboard over my stove, "Activate Me!" Ladies. Gentlemen. I answered that call.
Actually, it was 2Sock Shakur that inspired my doughy quest with her post about all the disgusting shit that they (being food companies) put into our food when we aren't looking. I purchased a bread maker from Good Will about 4 years ago for about $4, and have since used it sporadically, and exclusively with pre-mixed bread ingredients. This time, I wanted to find a recipe for whole wheat bread. I used this one.
My first attempt didn't rise. How is it possible that the chunk of cement I dislodged from my bread maker weighted 80lbs, but the ingredients I put in only weighted about 1lb? Determined to try again, I googled "Why didn't my bread rise?" (how did I do ANYTHING before google?) and found that my yeast may have been old. Which...yeah, considering it had been in my cupboard for...like 6 years, I thought that might be possible. I dug the empty package out of the garbage can.
The expiration date was in 2003.
Whoops.
So I looked at some of the other packets of yeast in my cupboard, decided to use the freshest available (2006), and tried again. This time? MY DOUGH ROSE! I did a happy dance and demanded that Gray pause the TV and come look inside the bread maker at my MAGICAL RISING DOUGH! He thought this was mildly amusing.
So the second time was a charm, and although the finished product turned out a tiny bit heavier than I would have liked, it was pretty successful. I'm contemplating a sourdough starter, but am not sure if I have What It Takes to "parent" a living, yeasty beast in my fridge. I killed an Amish friendship bread once, and it still haunts my dreams.
After the successful bread making endeavor (I know, I know - I did nothing. The break maker did everything. Suck my spatula.), I decided to make brownies from scratch. Did you know there's like 14lbs of butter in a batch of brownies? It explains so much about...well, why brownies aren't advocated by the folks at The South Beach Diet. We are the entire pan, Gray and I. I joked (was totally serious) that I'd have to start rolling him around everywhere like the girl on Willie Wonka.
Anyhow, Yeast and I are going to spend the night together, next weekend. This new relationship does not behoove bathing suit preparedness. I'm very nervous, but I've decided that anything that smells kinda like booze but tastes like carbs...well, it can only make me happy, right?
I found the best organic bread at the market the other day. I love me some good bread.
ReplyDeleteLMAO too funny, I've baked a few frisbees in my time.....
ReplyDeleteI would much rather cook too, all my measuring cups are in the sandbox.........
I LOL'd at the anti-itch cream comment. I totally, totally know where you're coming from. Really, how can you politely itch your cootchie in public? And when you have all that going on down there, can you help NOT scratch, or rub/wiggle in your chair, or hump the corner of a wall for some relief?
ReplyDeleteMy pediatrician turned me onto the pee-after-sex regimen, and sure enough, it helps control post-sex itchies. Pretty embarrassing information to get at age 17.
As to your baking dilemma, I applaud your enthusiasm. I would be more likely to feed my cats from my open mouth than attempt baking from scratch, esp since I'm living @ a mile high. I'm lucky if I remember to read the high altitude instructions on the side of the box. When I enthusiastically suggested to my kid that I bake her birthday cupcakes last year, she said, "Mom, I think it would be safer if we just went to Costco."
I wouldnt of eaten it, I have expiration date issues! When your stomach is as fucked up as mine, you take 0 risks! lol
ReplyDeleteI LOVE the yeasty smell of dough, but I have zero patience for letting anything rise, so when I bake, it's all quick breads, cookies and cakes.
ReplyDeleteAh yes, I'm in just about the same boat -- I did finally give in to measure shit, but the guessing game of doneness is what bothers me. I can't deal with "until done" or "until golden brown," I need a number, even if it's something strange like 26:38, so I can set a timer. Otherwise, everything's frisbees and hockey pucks around here.
ReplyDeleteI don't bake. Ever. It's against everything I believe in. And also, now I really want a bread maker. Bikinis are totally overrated.
ReplyDeleteSince my grandmother was ridiculously skilled at baking I figured for sure that I would be genetically baking blessed, and if I just made flour and butter touch, baking greatness would follow. Unfortunately is seem I was sorely mistaken. Too bad, since I love all things baked.
ReplyDeleteBallsy to make brownies from scratch. Nicely done. I'm totally impressed.
It actually is very satisfying to get bake bread. Good job!
ReplyDeleteHaving a friend give you Amish friendship dough to perpetuate is like them giving you an std. Like, oh thanks buddy, there goes my weekend!
ReplyDeleteAt first when I was reading, I was like "ewwww!"
ReplyDeleteBut by the end, I was like, fuck yeah, I want some carbs.
I have a love/hate relationship to yeast too. There are places for yeast and there are not.
ReplyDeleteI love fresh yeasty cinnamon rolls or crusty french bread. I just don't seem to have the patience for bread making anymore.
I would stay away from sourdough. I bake all the time and I won't tempt fate with that shit. Sounds like you're having fun. Isn't a decent loaf of bread an affirmation? Try my beer bread, you can't screw it up, it takes only 1 hour and it doesn't use yeast. http://michele-dogslife.blogspot.com/2008/09/beer-bread-recipe.html Guaranteed to work.
ReplyDeleteI thought this was going to be about vaginas but I read through and it was funny. So thanks. I came for the vaginas but I stayed for the recipes. It's like getting married!
ReplyDeleteYou had me at "embraced the blow job".
ReplyDeleteI can bake like a demon (um, y'know, the kind that bakes) but I'm mediocre to best at the rest of the cooking endeavour. I figure it boils down to priorities. I see the cupcakes; I want the cupcakes; I bake the cupcakes.
ReplyDeleteThe 3 bean salad, I'm only nominally interested in finding out how to make.
I read somewhere once that, without a certain enzyme that controls yeast, the entire earth would be covered in it five feet thick. No, it doesn't have anything to do with cooking, but I thought it was interesting.
ReplyDeletemmmm, you had me at "smells like booze and tastes like carbs."
ReplyDeleteI pnce made oatmeal cookijes and forgot to put in the oatmeal. For this reason alone break and bake cookies have been my friend. I still consider them homemade is I put them in the oven myself.
ReplyDeleteActually cement is an admixture of concrete. Water, rocks, Portland Cement makes concrete. Cement is product that binds all of the other mixtures together. The major ingredient in cement is lime. Love you
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I want to know what kind of person even keeps yeast in their cupboard. I've never owned yeast in all of my years and I don't even know what it looks like (I'm assuming powdery white?). I would love to be rolled around like Violet on Willie Wonka. Glad your second batch turned out.
ReplyDeleteI remember growing up when my Dad got on a kick of making our own bread. He would grind the wheat and do the whole yeast thing. I'm with you on the smell too! Man... I miss that. Need to go buy myself a $4 bread maker!
ReplyDeleteI am actually pretty good at baking, but I need to lose some chub, and if I make anything now, there is only me to eat it, and there is the whole unemployment thing.
ReplyDeleteHeh. at the start of this I was thinking "she is NOT going to write about yeast infections for a whole post" LOL.
Love the comment about humping the wall....