I leave work at 3:30 every day. (I know it sounds great, but I get to work at 7:00, so it all evens out). Yesterday at 2:30, I went to pee and realized I'd been wearing my shirt backwards all day. I decided at that point to just go with it. What's another hour with my tag hanging out where my clevage should be? And why didn't anyone fucking TELL ME?
I have lost the will to drink. Seriously. Not on weekends, not while I'm cooking, not for St. Patrick's Day. I know most people would have a problem if their alcohol consumption increased. Me? I'm worried because I haven't bought wine in almost 8 weeks. It's just not natural.
I haven't had (or wanted to have) sex since Valentine's Day. And even then it was mostly because there's a law that you have to have sex on Valentine's Day. (Fine, it's not really a law, but there is a law that says it's illegal to sleep naked in Minnesota. Lock me the fuck up.)
I'm all dejected because the humane society never contacted me about my volunteer application. I guess I must have failed the "How do you feel about euthanasia?" question. Looks like I'm going to have to get a cat after all.
I deleted a friend on Myspace and Facebook, a woman I've know since high school, because she keeps posting the cutest fucking pictures of her big, pregnant belly. And of her ultrasounds. And of her nursery. You know, all the obnoxious shit I totally planned on doing last year.
I priced out airline tickets for my escape to here, which I'm secretly planning just as soon as I can figure out how to get out of my apartment lease. I'm going to change my name to Lolita Razzle Dazzle, buy a pink wig, and leave behind no traces of my current life. Escape into the wilderness. I'm daydreaming about getting back my job as a prep chef, working 6 days a week for $6 an hour, living in what amounts to a yard shed, and trail jogging through the woods in my spare time. I want to be a seasonal resort worker again.
Clearly, I'm a sick, sick sickie. I'd go to the doctor if I had one. I'd find a doctor if my insurance paid more than 50% of office visits.
Damn cat, you seem to be in a funk! This time last year I was in a MEGA funk! It gets better!
ReplyDeleteyep.
ReplyDeleteYou need to go back to your roots.
Buy wine. The sex will follow.
This posting clearly indicates your need for the Wine.
ReplyDeleteEven if you don't "feel like it" -
just do it.
Happiness and Wine go hand in hand.
I got the euthanasia question wrong too. I wrote a big "hell" in front of the "yes". Stupid seniors.
ReplyDeleteNext time you find yourself with backward or inside out clothing, take yourself to bingo. I always won when that happened. I mean it.
ReplyDeleteYell Bingo! while a bunch of pissed off old ladies snort in contempt at your fashion sense.
Winter does this to everyone.... I wish the damn sun would come out and wamr everyone up... then it will be time for margaritas!
ReplyDeleteCat- You worry me! Seriously.
ReplyDeleteGlad to hear I'm not the only person who wore their shirt backwards ALL GD DAY yesterday.
ReplyDeleteI hear you on a few other fronts too but I'm not sure I'm able to admit that quite yet.
I've done the backwards/inside out shirt more times than I can count. It's fashionable these days...
ReplyDeleteSorry you're bumming. Seriously, I don't have the urge to drink or put out either. Or wake up most days. It's just a funkety funk and once the weather warms up a bit, you'll feel better. I don't know why weather has anything to do with it but being cold as balls all the time can't help your outlook on life.
I thought you were coming here?
Bake more bread. Wear your shirt like that everyday. Go all Eustace Conway and flee the scene.
ReplyDeleteDo it NOW! Before you DO have one of those big, pregnant bellies and are asking yourself what in the world you were thinking.
I can't decide whether to tell you to GO TO THE HOSPITAL RIGHT NOW! Or just, you know drink wine and boink even if you don't want to and everything will work out in the end.
ReplyDeleteIt's pretty rare for me not to have at least one item of clothing on inside out at any given time. It's no biggie, right? Right. *self-hug*
ReplyDeleteSex is overrated. Mountains are soo where it's at these days. I say screw sex, marry the mountains. Then you can adopt little woodland creatures and have a ridiculously awesome family!
ReplyDeleteGo spring for some wine you'll feel better.
ReplyDeleteDamn. I recognize myself in so many parts of this post! I'm freaking scared for the both of us!
ReplyDeleteIt will bet better. Seriously.
And let's face it, even if going back to seasonal resort work sound good right now, it would take about 20 minutes of all the old crazy that is that job to realized why you don't do that anymore.
I'm seriously fighting the urge to pack up the few things I actually need in my faithful old backpack, get a one-way ticket to a lovely third world country, and just go.
Well, Lolitta, you are welcome to come sit on my couch for a 45 minute session on me. But, we must be drinking wine, so it won't exactly be professional.....
ReplyDeleteI'm still laughing at the picture of Lolita Razzle Dazzle in her pink wig, alone in the wilderness. The bears will love it. :)
ReplyDeleteAt least you haven't lost your sense of humor.
Would you feel better if I made you a grilled cheese and macaroni sandwich fried in vodka? Ooh! Flambé!
ReplyDeleteAs much as I love you and would miss you I totally think you should get the hell out of here. Run. Run as fast as you can and don't look back.
ReplyDeleteI told you that you needed to get a cat. You should have listened to me the first time. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteNow you're going to have to get TWO cats. And drink more, would you? You're freaking me out!