Thursday, March 12, 2009

Other Signs That I Should Seek Medical Attention


I leave work at 3:30 every day. (I know it sounds great, but I get to work at 7:00, so it all evens out). Yesterday at 2:30, I went to pee and realized I'd been wearing my shirt backwards all day. I decided at that point to just go with it. What's another hour with my tag hanging out where my clevage should be? And why didn't anyone fucking TELL ME?

I have lost the will to drink. Seriously. Not on weekends, not while I'm cooking, not for St. Patrick's Day. I know most people would have a problem if their alcohol consumption increased. Me? I'm worried because I haven't bought wine in almost 8 weeks. It's just not natural.

I haven't had (or wanted to have) sex since Valentine's Day. And even then it was mostly because there's a law that you have to have sex on Valentine's Day. (Fine, it's not really a law, but there is a law that says it's illegal to sleep naked in Minnesota. Lock me the fuck up.)

I'm all dejected because the humane society never contacted me about my volunteer application. I guess I must have failed the "How do you feel about euthanasia?" question. Looks like I'm going to have to get a cat after all.

I deleted a friend on Myspace and Facebook, a woman I've know since high school, because she keeps posting the cutest fucking pictures of her big, pregnant belly. And of her ultrasounds. And of her nursery. You know, all the obnoxious shit I totally planned on doing last year.

I priced out airline tickets for my escape to here, which I'm secretly planning just as soon as I can figure out how to get out of my apartment lease. I'm going to change my name to Lolita Razzle Dazzle, buy a pink wig, and leave behind no traces of my current life. Escape into the wilderness. I'm daydreaming about getting back my job as a prep chef, working 6 days a week for $6 an hour, living in what amounts to a yard shed, and trail jogging through the woods in my spare time. I want to be a seasonal resort worker again.

Clearly, I'm a sick, sick sickie. I'd go to the doctor if I had one. I'd find a doctor if my insurance paid more than 50% of office visits.