Forget school shootings and mass murders and the fact that Popeye is a wasteoid: I've got something IMPORTANT to tell you.
I'm going to a poetry reading tonight, and I don't want to.
I know. Crazy, right? I wish there was some way to get out of it, but unfortunately, it's a requirement for my writing class to attend a public reading and write a paper on my response (which will likely consist of "I didn't understand shit" and "man was it boring"). The Dreds of Death have decreed this particular assignment. Sure, I got to pick any reading I wanted to attend, but since "getting drunk and reading the phone book out loud to myself" and "watching the Real Housewives of NYC" didn't make the list of approved events, I was forced to choose between "Stupid Poetry Reading A" or "Stupid Poetry Reading B".
I chose A, pretty much at random. Gray originally offered to go with me, but he's working late tonight. That's actually ok with me, because the only thing worse than going to a public poetry reading is getting kicked out of a public poetry reading because the guy I brought is snoring too loudly. Or possibly because he said something inappropriate. Like the time we were at a FAMILY-oriented improv comedy show and Gray shouted out that his "nipples are chaffing", so they forced him to wear a brown paper bag over his head for the next 20 minutes. A very loud, brown paper bag that crinkled every time he breathed and drew attention to the fact that I was attempting to melt into the floor. Or like any time we go to the movies.
So it's probably better that I go to this one alone. Wait...I just read the syllabus again and it doesn't specify that I have to be sober at the reading. Nor does it say that I must I wear clothing. Hmmm. Suddenly I'm thinking this won't be so bad. I'll go and support The Arts (I'm bored with cancer so I'm switching it up). I'll boycott my liver. I'll practice my lap dance.
So I guess really, the only thing left to figure out is which of you should I call to bail me out of jail around 11:30 tonight?
And don't forget to bring some extra socks - it's cold outside and they'll have confiscated mine.