Thursday, April 02, 2009

i probably have better control of my bladder, too

sometimes i wish i were a gay man. aside from the sodomy, it's pretty much the perfect gig for me. i'd need much better clothes and some bitchier girlfriends, but that's true of me now so it wouldn't be so different, plus i'd save a hella money on tampons and bras.

anyway, i went to the bone doctor this morning (totally unrelated to the penis envy thing)((although i just realized "the bone doctor" is a rad gay porn name)) and doc was able to take x-rays through my current cast instead of removing it and re-casting me. would i have appreciated the chance to give my noodle a proper washing? of course. am i relieved to not spend a small fortune for that chance? double of course.

supposedly my x-rays show that mummy hand has begun to heal, which according to the bone doc is because i'm young and healthy, not 80 years old and sick, which makes perfect sense because how many times have you heard of an old lady in perfect health who slips in her hand-knit yarn slippers on her way to feed her cats, breaks a hip, and then dies like a month later. orthopedic injuries are kryptonite for old people.

i'm stuck in this fiberglass prison until april 23rd when i'm scheduled to get the cast OFF pending final x-rays, and i'll need a removable splint for a couple weeks after that, at which time mummy hand will be downgraded to decomposing severed arm, which i know sounds worse but it's much easier to prosecute because the perp won't have been dead for thousands of years. i'm trying to decide how to celebrate my liberation and i've narrowed it down to 1) bar fight, 2) orgy, or 3) bike ride in the dark.

you all can look forward to the return of PUNCTUATION! and CAPITALIZATION! and RECIPROCATION OF COMMENTS ON YOUR BLOGS! just three more weeks until my blog resumes it's status as "tolerable most of the time".

Strangely enough, april 23rd is the same day as what would have been my due date were i still pregnant, so at least now i'll have something to look forward to besides drunk dialing my obstetrician: the birth of my arm. i guess really it's more like my arm is being "born again", which will make my mom super happy and possibly buy my ticket into heaven (you know, just in case that shit turns out to be legit), cause i could be like, "hey jesus - i know i denied you three (thousand) times and watched all that porn and got all those disabled kids hooked on crack while i called them retards, but my left arm was BORN AGAIN! in 2009, so you might as well let me into heaven with my arm. otherwise i'll prosecute your ass for dismembering me...

...plus, it's not like it was gay porn."