sometimes i wish i were a gay man. aside from the sodomy, it's pretty much the perfect gig for me. i'd need much better clothes and some bitchier girlfriends, but that's true of me now so it wouldn't be so different, plus i'd save a hella money on tampons and bras.
anyway, i went to the bone doctor this morning (totally unrelated to the penis envy thing)((although i just realized "the bone doctor" is a rad gay porn name)) and doc was able to take x-rays through my current cast instead of removing it and re-casting me. would i have appreciated the chance to give my noodle a proper washing? of course. am i relieved to not spend a small fortune for that chance? double of course.
supposedly my x-rays show that mummy hand has begun to heal, which according to the bone doc is because i'm young and healthy, not 80 years old and sick, which makes perfect sense because how many times have you heard of an old lady in perfect health who slips in her hand-knit yarn slippers on her way to feed her cats, breaks a hip, and then dies like a month later. orthopedic injuries are kryptonite for old people.
i'm stuck in this fiberglass prison until april 23rd when i'm scheduled to get the cast OFF pending final x-rays, and i'll need a removable splint for a couple weeks after that, at which time mummy hand will be downgraded to decomposing severed arm, which i know sounds worse but it's much easier to prosecute because the perp won't have been dead for thousands of years. i'm trying to decide how to celebrate my liberation and i've narrowed it down to 1) bar fight, 2) orgy, or 3) bike ride in the dark.
you all can look forward to the return of PUNCTUATION! and CAPITALIZATION! and RECIPROCATION OF COMMENTS ON YOUR BLOGS! just three more weeks until my blog resumes it's status as "tolerable most of the time".
Strangely enough, april 23rd is the same day as what would have been my due date were i still pregnant, so at least now i'll have something to look forward to besides drunk dialing my obstetrician: the birth of my arm. i guess really it's more like my arm is being "born again", which will make my mom super happy and possibly buy my ticket into heaven (you know, just in case that shit turns out to be legit), cause i could be like, "hey jesus - i know i denied you three (thousand) times and watched all that porn and got all those disabled kids hooked on crack while i called them retards, but my left arm was BORN AGAIN! in 2009, so you might as well let me into heaven with my arm. otherwise i'll prosecute your ass for dismembering me...
...plus, it's not like it was gay porn."
Darn. I was really looking forward to pictures of the mummy arm.
ReplyDeleteThen again, I just ate dinner, so I guess I should count my blessings. Your rotten mummy thumb is staring blankly at me from the bottome of the screen (I think it wants to pick a fight), and it's just about all I can handle.
Also, pretend I can spell "bottom." I have no idea why my subconscious self always wants to add e's to everythinge. Sighe.
ReplyDeleteThat's super good news for both you and your stinky gay Jesus arm!
ReplyDeleteWow, I can't even tell you how much I think your arm being in a cast sucks for you - what total suckage! It must be really hard to type, I as a reader sure appreciate your effort in continuing on! You're a martyr.
ReplyDeleteBike ride in the dark to the bar where you get in a fight for gay bashing Jesus and then home for an orgy. And then back to the ER where they have to reset your arm again because the bone was still fragile from the previous break and while it managed some kick-ass ninja moves in the bar it finally succumbed to some crazy kama-sutra table dismount.
ReplyDeleteBone doctor...I got a good chuckle out of that one. I wish you were gay too, except still a girl and videotape your gay encounters for the whole world to see. Cool?
ReplyDeleteI am still laughing about Bone Doctor. My inner adolescent boy thinks you are totally kick ass (even with a mummy arm).
ReplyDeleteYeah Bone Doctor! Also Love Gay is the perfect gig except for the sodomy! lol LMAO! wait until you see your arm! my brothers arm looked NASTY when he got his cast off!
ReplyDeleteI think Gay men rule.
ReplyDeleteI ought to be so feminine.
But growing up with two men in the house and NO women, I didn't get many of the feminine qualities.
WTF is up with that?
Congrats on bone healing.
I broke my first bone right before I turned 40. Thought "shit, I'm too young for osteoporosis."
Not that I tend to go to the extreme.
HAHA, you're funny. God has a sense of humour, if He doesn't like the born-again arm, you could always make him laugh enough so He doesn't notice you sneaking past Him!
ReplyDeleteI want a mummy arm but I DON'T want it to be attached to my body. You think I could just have yours?
ReplyDeleteSometimes I just have to shake my head.
ReplyDeleteYou know there is one really judgemental person reading this blog right now and thinking of ways to tell you off in an email.
I cant beleiev your still writing. Should you take time off with a mummy hand
ReplyDeleteBAR fight- then orgy because you can't make love then war! :)
ReplyDeletewell, at least something is born again. that has to count for something, right?
ReplyDeleteHey, don't knock the sodomy thing until you've tried it! Besides, you could always be a top. ;)
ReplyDeletehmm...why don't you wait until 11pm, ride your bike to the nearest tavern, hit some dufus with a pool stick, and then have mad make up sex with the patrons at said bar? Seems that would cover all bases of celebration! rofl ;o)
ReplyDeleteBone Doctor is an awesome porn name! Well it will be nice to have your arm back!
ReplyDelete"aside from the sodomy"
ReplyDeleteHilarious! I'm totally using that line soon.
If you wanna do the bar fight, I totally got your back, girl.
ReplyDeleteHeh. Bone Doctor.
ReplyDeleteI feel the need to say something about how fucking immature my best friend and I are. All fucking week we have been amused by the stupidest shit. Like "to bone", you know as a euphemism for well, getting boned. Ha ha. It could be the copious amounts of alcohol we have consumed this week.
Or we are just that immature.
And lack of sleep is making me a perv, because I am wondering if the cast is hindering "Self love"
LMAO!!
If it is, I hope you are getting boned.
If you plan on getting in a bar fight, do it BEFORE the cast comes off since you can prolly pack a mean punch with that thing.
ReplyDeleteI think that's the perfect porn name.
I look forward to punctuation. No offense, I just like my punctuation. Actually, it doesn't bug me when other people don't use it but when I don't, I get freaked the fuck out.
Celebrate your liberation by making a movie called "The Bone Doctor." Have an orgy scene, a bar fight scene, and a scene of you riding your bike in the dark (probably crying while The Shins or something plays because that's how dark bike ride scenes usually go.) At the end of the movie, go to heaven and meet Jesus. Have a witty conversation and have the movie end with a freeze frame of you and Jesus laughing uproariously while the credits roll over your face.
ReplyDeleteI'd watch it. Totally.