Waldo Almost Puked*

In light of the fact that it's Friday, and because I'm at risk of bursting with pleasure, and also because I'm so tired that my eyes kind of feel like they've been doused in gasoline but not set on fire yet because DUH! then I wouldn't be able to see, and obviously I can see or this post would be written in braille, which...how the hell do blind people read blogs?! and also because this format makes everything SEEM SO IMPORTANT, I am going to sum up the last 14 hours with BULLET! POINTS!

• Wanted to take a nap before the L.O.G. show, so I curled up in bed with my blankie and watched Taboo Anal Pleasures 46. Again. Just as I was dozing off, my phone rang and it was a number I didn't recognize so, of course, I didn't answer it, but then I realized that I'm at war with the hospital companies - yes, both of them - trying to get them to drop the charges from the second, completely unnecessary trip to the emergency room for mummy hand back in March, so this phone call was regarding my dispute letter and I figured if I didn't call him back, I'd be all stressed out during the concert (I do the whole "imagine the argument in your head so you can practice WINNING" thing). So I called back. And was told that a doctor reviewed my account and cleared ALL OF THE CHARGES. For BOTH trips to the emergency room. So...I was preparing for serious battle when really, it turns out that I was right! And now it should be just that much easier to get the OTHER company to drop their charges. Saving hundreds of dollars unexpectedly is fucking awesome.
• The concert. OH LORD, the concert. was. fucking. AWESOME. Turns out there were five bands, but we missed the first (Municipal Waste), which was ok with me because, well, there were FIVE bands and jesus christ, that's a lot of standing when you're used to sitting on your ass all day long. Just after we arrived, God Forbid took the stage - I'd never heard of them, but they were pretty decent and I'm a big fan of metal bands with black dudes in them. Don't ask me why, I'm not really sure, it's just that I love to see a brother head bang. Their drummer, singer, and I'm pretty sure the guitarist was black, or else he was just really dusty and his sweat mixed with the dust to form a caramel layer over his body. They were good, I would listen to them.
• Next was Children of Bodom - we decided to hit the floor for that set, which was a huge mistake because everyone was fucking 8 feet tall. I wasn't elbow to elbow, I was nose to ribs with all the sweaty, gross guys and I couldn't even hear the band because the sound wasn't making it down into my little shaft of stinky air below all the tallness. Ok, I could hear a little and I have to say that I did NOT like this band. They were great guitarists and all, but I'm not a big fan of the guitar solo thing (Gray says I'm a "riff girl"), and I told him that they sounded like 80s metal, to which he replied, "They're European" as if that explained it. I guess they're hugely popular, but I didn't like them. Although, I had to give props to the guitarist for playing the show with a BROKEN SHOULDER.
• Then As I Lay Dying took the stage, and I was particularly interested to see them because not only are they metal, but they are CHRISTIAN metal (who knew such a thing existed, I was stuck listening to Jars of Clay for, like, ever) so I thought if they were good I might pick up a CD for my brother for Christmas or something. They WERE good, very good in fact, and it was funny to listen to them talk because while all the other bands were like, "FUCK YOU, MOTHERFUCKERS", these guys were all, "HEY EVERYBODY, HOW ARE YOU?" which was totally disconcerting from a hard core band, but their playing compensated for the lack of swearing I guess. Also, they pulled this little kid up on stage with them and said he was their favorite fan and he got to stand up there on the side while they finished their set, and jesus christ that kid could HEAD BANG, and he was seriously rockin' the air guitar and doing the whole "horns in the air with the scary metal face while stomping around" and it was the funniest/slash/cutest damn thing EVER, and then the band gave him their set list and I wanted to make out with all of them, even if they don't say "fuck".
• LAMB OF GOD. Oh sweet jesus, there are no words. Those motherfuckers can SHRED, they were easily the loudest band by a factor of two, and damn. They were incredible. There really just aren't words to describe the radness. You'll have to go see them yourselves. My ears are still ringing, but in the good way.
• So this morning, I dragged my tired (but NOT hungover, thanks to the fact that I'm too poor to buy drinks and also, the one vodka cranberry I paid $6 for was poured from a gun, and it was about 1/3 of a shot, so I wasn't exactly clambering to get another one) ass out of bed and hiked into work, and when I checked my email, I found a notice from the University's arts and lit magazine saying that Eleven's End made the summer issue and I should send them a photo for my bio. I know it's not The New Yorker or anything, but there's a lot of great talent involved so I'm really excited about it.
• Tonight is my friend's choir concert, so it's like MUSICAL WEEKEND EXTRAVAGANZA up in here, and I'm a weird music fan because while my ears are still ringing from the serious thrashing Lamb of God inflicted upon them, I am psyched to go hear a bunch of women sing about how "everything's coming up roses" (I was a huge choir geek in high school)((and junior high)) while eating desserts and drinking wine. Eclectic musical taste at it's finest!

Have a metal weekend, my friends. And keep your fingers crossed that I get word soon from Writer Advice about my submission to their "flash prose" contest.

*So there was this drunk guy - no, "drunk" does not adequately describe his condition, but anyway, he was dressed like fucking Where's Waldo on St. Patrick's Day, and we were all pretty sure he was either going to fall over when the wall of people parted, gash his head open, and not realize it at all, or he was going to hurl ALL OVER the huge guy in front of him with a mohawk and a shirt that said "I'm So Metal", which would have been funny (kinda)((but only if mohawk guy had clocked him)) but in the end, Waldo just disappeared for the entire Lamb of God set THANK GOD HE WASN'T WRECKING MY JAMS, and then reappeared at the end.