Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Kate Gosselin's Hair Files Custody Suit

AP - 1 hour ago

Wernersville, Pa - In a press release Wednesday, Kate Gosselin's hair announced its intent pursue custody of the eight Gosselin children. Sources confirm that It has obtained legal counsel and has filed a petition with the Berks County courthouse.

Says her hair, "After speaking with my attorneys, I believe it is in the best interest of Gosselin children that I be granted full legal custody. It's all about the kids, and it always has been, and I feel that I am the best equipped to care for them. I will do everything in my power to make sure they are happy and healthy."

Until today, a shared custody arrangement had been agreed upon between mother, Kate Gosselin and father, Jon Gosselin, who star in TLC's reality series Jon & Kate Plus 8 with their twin daughters and five year old sextuplets. The estranged pair originally agreed to alternate living in the family's million-dollar home in Wernersville, PA so that the children, Mady, Cara, Hannah, Aaden, Collin, Alexis, Leah and Joel, could continue to live in the home.

All of that may change now that Kate Gosselin's hair is seeking a permanent role in the children's lives.

"Kate has a history behaving irrationally," says hair. "I truly believe that she's been blinded by her bangs, and I take full responsibility for my role in that. In the early years of our relationship, I was long and blond, and that's part of what attracted Jon to Kate. We had some good times, the three of us together. But over the years, we drifted apart, and Kate began cutting me out of her life immediately following the births of Mady and Cara. When Jon decided to get plugs, I knew it was the beginning of the end."

Gosselin's hair, known for it's "reverse mullet" style, has enjoyed the media's attention for years.

"At first I was uncomfortable with the lack of privacy," it says. "But I was able to realize that hey, this is my job and this is how I've chosen to provide for those kids. The kids are happy, that's all that matters."

Since the divorce rumors were confirmed on the the show's season premier June 22nd, Kate's hair has been thrust into the paparazzi's lense with renewed gusto. It recently usurped Sarah Palin's hair for the title of Halloween Costume Craze of the Year. Online costume sales at have rocketed in recent months, thanks to the unveiling of the Eight Is Too Much wig.

When asked how she feels about the attention, Kate's hair said, "It's hard. I love the Kate I used to know, but now I'm not sure that I want to be a part of her head anymore. But there we are: splashed all over the news every day. I look forward to a time when I can just be me again. But the kids come first."

Kate Gosselin's hair will not be featured in the newest episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8 which airs Monday August 31st on TLC.
Kate, citing a "falling out", wears a pink cowboy hat for much of the show.

Onion Breath is my newest brain spew, conceived with the evil intent of conning someone into giving me an internship at The Onion. Because that? Is where dreams come true. I'm not above sleeping my way to the top if that's what I have to do, but this route seems like the lesser of two evils. Although now that I'm a serious journalist, perhaps I should clarify that this is the lesser of two evils for me, not for you, obviously. I'm sorry.