Friday, September 25, 2009

Don't Worry, They Were Strippers, Not Hookers. Probably.

So we got into a bit of trouble with some of our new neighbors (us being the "new" ones).

Turns out? We're loud as fuck.

I know, I was surprised too.

Gray hosted a bachelor party for his buddy at our house last Friday (yes, it totally involved strippers and blow job solicitations and dollar bills and oh so very much booze)((it was a true-blue bachelor party)), and the boys were up until almost 6:00 a.m. I was trying to sleep through the commotion (whoever had the brilliant idea of playing Guitar Hero at 3:00 directly below my bedroom, I thank you from the bottom of my heart)((oh, and whoever was singing along? don't quit your day job and for the love of god, get your dog a pair of earplugs)).

They had a great time and didn't get arrested or catch any venereal diseases or accidentally sleep with each other or any of things that occasionally happen to make a guys' night out end badly.

They did, however, sit outside on the deck almost all night long because they smoke, which is verboten in our house, and so there they sat, smoking and giving each other noogies and saying "fuck this, fuck that" until an ungodly hour of the morning.

Our neighbors directly behind were displeased.

So we tromped around the block on Sunday, homemade goodies in hand, to apologize for disturbing their slumber. We felt very much like naughty little children, and I don't mean that in the way that pedophiles mean it.

Since that humiliating experience (yes, I cried, but not until after we left) I've been thinking what we could have done differently to avoid this awkward social situation, and I came to a brilliant conclusion: We have to deafen our neighbors.

Think about it for a second. Imagine if everyone living directly around your home were deaf. Just picture, if you will, the liberation such an arrangement would provide you. FARTING! FIGHTING! FUCKING! Everything could be as loud as you wanted. You'd never worry about "keeping it down" or shushing your guests or offending the children with graphic limericks or adult subject matter.

THEY WOULD ALL BE DEAF. You could call your next door neighbor a "moron" five feet from his face and he'd never know (disclaimer: deaf people read lips, so always be sure to hide your face. it's a qualified liberation, now that I think about it. just walk fucking backwards, you big babies).

I think I could do the job with an ice pick. Or is that too big? I've never actually seen one. Or I could pull some ninja shit and reach up to plug their noses just as they're sneezing. I'd have to aim for allergy season with that plan. I could just detonate an explosive right by their faces. Or discharge a gun inside an aluminum garbage can that they're crammed into.

The biggest challenge I foresee with this clearly unstoppable scheme is that we'd have to drive really slowly around the neighborhood. According to those big yellow signs, deaf people have a tendency to run right out in front of cars, although I never understood why fucking BLIND people can get across a busy street no problem, but deaf people can't seem to remember to look both ways. Who the hell judges traffic by SOUND, for christ's sake.

I know, the whole plan sounds tricky, but the only alternative I came up with was for US to be deaf because you never really hear deaf people talk, so theoretically we'd be much less obnoxious to the world in general, but I don't think that would actually solve the problem because deaf people seem to make a lot of strange noises when they sign, noises which resemble what I do on the toilet, so we'd probably be in trouble with the neighbors for "pooping loudly" when really we were just discussing the economy.

I'm glad we talked about this, you people really helped me realize that it makes the most sense to just stab everyone in the ears.