Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Now He's Getting a Wedgie For Christmas

Ok, so does everyone remember this warning from Admiral Five Head?

Clearly, this is Top Secret information which is vital to The Universe and it's defenders from evil, lest the demonic email forces break free from a chain letter and infect all the human babies and turn them all into soul-leaching Romulans.

Naturally, I replied to his solemn warning in my typical smart-ass manner, I said, "Chain letters aren't demonic, they're just Klingon."

Funny, right? I mean, I figured he'd get the joke, seeing as he's currently occupied in the Star Fleet Command for the United Federation of Planets, and everything, and I also thought I had probably annoyed him enough that he wouldn't bring the topic up again, which wasn't actually my intention but seems to happen quite a lot, now that I think about it.

But I don't think he got it, because he responded with, " ** **** ***** (no they might)", presumably "they" meaning the emails and "might" meaning "withhold demonic forces" (by which I think he meant "contain", but whatever, he's 10).

I'm not really sure what all the asterisks were for, so I decided they are demon voices and they've infected Five Head with their socialist mind rays and he's already part Romulan, it's just hard to tell because he already has such a thick southern accent, and now I'm going to have to call the Captain of the U.S.S. Bold and warn him of this security breach, except OH NO, the Captain has been compromised!!!

So anyway, it's all one really big, fun game until Five Head gets hurt:

cat you might be right . sorry for lieing. can you help me? if you will please look these things up on the website you showed me that tells weather it is junk or not?

End Transmission from
Five Head
Capt. of U.S.S.Bold
Current Occupation
Star Fleet Command/
United Federation of Planets
Rank:Admiral
Home: 1-000-000-0000
Note:ONLY 3 calls a
week for ensigns

That sound you hear? IS MY HEART SNAPPING VIOLENTLY IN HALF.

I cannot express with words the feeling that exploded through my brain when I realized that, apparently, he thought I was accusing him of LYING, for fuck's sake. This whole "demonic forces" thing must be a lot more serious than I realized. This in not just a big joke, oh no no, I am messing with SOULS here, people.

Me: Buddy! You weren't lying, you were just trying to help people! The best website to check is called www.snopes.com - they have most of the internet and email rumors that circulate, and they research them to find out if they are true.

Him: thanks cat. so, could you find them?

Uuuuuhhhhhhh ok, now I'm starting to realize that he doesn't so much feel guilty about lying as he is trying to con me into fact-checking for him. I am such a fool! I allowed my emotions to blind me to the evil, Romulan internet voodoo! And yet, I'm still powerless to resist his demands.

Me: Find what, which ones do you want to look up?

Him: nevermind, ill do it. thanks for the site i might want to use it in the future (insert wierd space music here).

My little brother actually PUNNED, people. I am so proud.

(At least I think that was a pun. I'm never quite sure which is a pun and which is an adverb.)

Regardless, my work here is done. The galaxy is once again safe from the enemies of Earth. And also, now that I have imparted my knowledge about fact-checking, I need to teach Five Head some punctuation.