Dude, you do not even want to KNOW what I did yesterday.
Sometimes I'm amazed by the level of self-persuasion I'm capable of inflicting when, against all odds, with the chances stacked against me, like, 99.99999%, I still manage to convince myself that maybe...just MAYBE...I might be pregnant.
Ladies, please tell me you know what I'm talking about here! Please tell me I'm not the only one who has purchased an EPT for no other reason (realistically speaking) than because (apparently) I like sticking things into my urine stream for exactly five seconds and then wondering where to set the fucker so it doesn't drip pee all over the floor. (According to the instructions, it must be 5 seconds. NO MORE!! NO LESS!! OR BABY JESUS WILL DIE!)
Mostly this whole "maybe I'm pregnant" thing was so ridiculous because I've been on the pill forever. Not only have I been on the pill, I've also been "suppressing" so I haven't even ovulated (YES. I SAID IT. Get over yourselves men, like "ejaculation" is such a great word) in probably close to a year.
But still. This Chantix shit makes me so incredibly nauseous and gives me a sharp headache every fucking time I take it (once in the morning, once at night). I was expecting the Look Out! She's Got A Gun! kind of side effects, but I didn't read the fine print closely enough to realize I'd be more likely to have to Take A Deep Breath So You Don't Blow! side effect.
And when else do people get nauseous? WHEN THEY'RE PREGNANT. So right there I've got a totally (un)reasonable piece of evidence to prove that maybe I spontaneously conceived via the magical fallopian express, or something.
Plus! Plus! Yesterday, I got...THE HUNGER. I'm not even kidding you, it was back with a vengeance. It was such a deja vu moment that I forgot one of the side effects of not smoking is shoving food into your face hole during every waking moment.
Hello Weight Watchers. Please watch me closely.
I can't even explain what came over me but once I recognized The Hunger feeling in my tummy, there was an explosion of images in my mind. Images of pink, fatty leg bits and big, gummy mouth bits and drooly smiles and ohgodhelpmebabysmellnomnom!
I started rehearsing how I'd tell Gray when he got home from work. How could I make it as awesome as the first time? I didn't even have a "My Daddy Rocks" bib this time, ya'll! Would I skip class to tell him? Veronica & Co. were already headed into the cities for the holiday and would be at the house by the time Gray got home from work. I should tell him before! Definitely before!
I practiced telling my professor why I had to miss class (she was understanding and congratulatory, if you were wondering). I counted the months from my approximation of when I may have conceived and realized we'd be having a summer baby. August, actually. I thought what a perfect month that was to have a new baby.
And that's when I decided I needed to take a pregnancy test. Just to be sure.
So once I'd decided it was kind of, sort of, not really but maybe possible that I could be pregnant, then I started finding other "evidence" to support my theory. Like that we had sex once. And that I missed a couple of days of the pill and didn't start my period.
And BECAUSE I SAID SO.
It was the oddest experience, buying a pregnancy test this time. Last go-round, probably because of all the sex I was having, I felt like the cashier was judging my whoredome and sizing up whether or not I was old enough to be a good mother. This time? It was almost like she rolled her eyes and though, "Girl, puleeeeeze. You ain't pregnant! You be on the pill. Why you be wasting this money? Psh!" Oddly, she was an elderly white woman.
And you know what? She was totally right. I even fucking donated a dollar to juvenile diabetes at the counter thinking maybe that would be a sign of my pregnant-ness. How many people who deprive the kids of a dollar and then go home and piss on a stick and then really regret it? DOZENS, at least.
But no. I wasted that damn dollar on those damn kids, and they're not even mine!! On the up-side, I can get wasted tomorrow without all those pesky developmental side effects.
I totally freak out about it like three times a year. And it's not like we're not careful. I just don't want it SO BAD and this one time like in the summer or something I was weeks late. WTF BODY?
ReplyDeleteAnd then I bought the pregnancy test. Dr. Claw was there in line with me, so I thought the cashier would be all "ooh you guys are so sweet and such a cute couple, buying your pregnancy test" but instead she looked at me like I was a whore and then ID'd me because I was using my credit card and the signatures didn't match exactly.
gah, I'm still angry about that apparently.
We all do this, with varying degrees of worry/happiness/disgust. When I did it in my thirties it was like, "okay I might be pregnant. We can do this". In my early forties and starting menopause it was like, "Okay this will suck but we can do this", Now, at fifty would be a damn near miracle that should be reported to some medical expert and a fucking nightmare. Why, because I'm way too old to be having another kid.
ReplyDeleteSo don't worry about peeing on a stick or at least don't worry that you're not normal to put yourself through the whole thing. We all do it.
Damn! I just typed a whole long comment and lost it!
ReplyDeletePretty much what I said was that you are not alone because I used to do this all the time too. Any time I was more than 3 days late for my period. Only I would drag my friend with me to the clinic and pay $25 to get a blood test done. Yeah, and then you have to wait 2 freaking hours before the results are ready! Guess I just love the emotional torture or something, oh and having my blood drawn cause that's always fun. Needless to say, the tests ALWAYS came back negative. But I had myself convinced so many times.
When we were trying to get pregnant the first time (for three years) we bought a small fortune in those damned tests. They should make a laughing noise or something when they're negative so at least you can be pissed off or something.
ReplyDeleteOh, yes. Yes, I know what you're talking about. Just did the same thing myself last week. Even though I've only missed one pill and had sex once, maybe twice since my last period. I was totally convinced it was morning sickness. What a tool. Freaking babies and their cuteness. Arggh.
ReplyDeleteSince the very first time I ever had sex, at any given moment during the past 20 years (yikes!), I've either been convinced I'm pregnant or convinced I'm barren. Pregnant or barren, those are the two options. Currently I'm barren. But if I think about it long enough, I could be pregnant. I should go buy a test.
ReplyDeleteSweetie... I think we women put ourselves through all the stick peeing because we wish we could pee standing up (without the mess).
ReplyDeleteA LONG time ago, when I was trying to get pregnant, I took that pee test... 3 days in a row. Yes, they already have my picture on the "Wall of Stupid as induced by nomnombabysmell"
Not on the pill but feeling the same way each time I've had to get a morning after pill following a condom malfunction. Having PCOS, it is highly unlikely that I will get pregnant, yet there I go, sitting in the stupid little booth while the pharmacist talks me through everything. Feeling like I'm 16 instead of 35.
ReplyDeleteI blame semen. Stupid semen.
YEah, man. This is totally how it goes. Until one day, a day that seems just like all the rest, you ARE.
ReplyDeleteon behalf of al the diabetic children out there, thank you for thinking u were prego against all reason
ReplyDeleteI can't believe you donated at the register.
ReplyDeleteMy husband got snipped in March and I STILL conned myself into thinking I was preggo a few weeks back and bought a test. For future reference, the Dollar Store tests work just as well as the super fucking expensive ones.
i just did this.
ReplyDeletebleck.
xo
I convinced myself I was pregnant while I was menstruating the other week.
ReplyDelete