Wednesday, November 25, 2009

False Alarm, Except Alarm Implies "Bad" and This Would Have Been Good. Ish. Right?

Dude, you do not even want to KNOW what I did yesterday.

Sometimes I'm amazed by the level of self-persuasion I'm capable of inflicting when, against all odds, with the chances stacked against me, like, 99.99999%, I still manage to convince myself that maybe...just MAYBE...I might be pregnant.

Ladies, please tell me you know what I'm talking about here! Please tell me I'm not the only one who has purchased an EPT for no other reason (realistically speaking) than because (apparently) I like sticking things into my urine stream for exactly five seconds and then wondering where to set the fucker so it doesn't drip pee all over the floor. (According to the instructions, it must be 5 seconds. NO MORE!! NO LESS!! OR BABY JESUS WILL DIE!)

Mostly this whole "maybe I'm pregnant" thing was so ridiculous because I've been on the pill forever. Not only have I been on the pill, I've also been "suppressing" so I haven't even ovulated (YES. I SAID IT. Get over yourselves men, like "ejaculation" is such a great word) in probably close to a year.

But still. This Chantix shit makes me so incredibly nauseous and gives me a sharp headache every fucking time I take it (once in the morning, once at night). I was expecting the Look Out! She's Got A Gun! kind of side effects, but I didn't read the fine print closely enough to realize I'd be more likely to have to Take A Deep Breath So You Don't Blow! side effect.

And when else do people get nauseous? WHEN THEY'RE PREGNANT. So right there I've got a totally (un)reasonable piece of evidence to prove that maybe I spontaneously conceived via the magical fallopian express, or something.

Plus! Plus! Yesterday, I got...THE HUNGER. I'm not even kidding you, it was back with a vengeance. It was such a deja vu moment that I forgot one of the side effects of not smoking is shoving food into your face hole during every waking moment.

Hello Weight Watchers. Please watch me closely.

I can't even explain what came over me but once I recognized The Hunger feeling in my tummy, there was an explosion of images in my mind. Images of pink, fatty leg bits and big, gummy mouth bits and drooly smiles and ohgodhelpmebabysmellnomnom!

I started rehearsing how I'd tell Gray when he got home from work. How could I make it as awesome as the first time? I didn't even have a "My Daddy Rocks" bib this time, ya'll! Would I skip class to tell him? Veronica & Co. were already headed into the cities for the holiday and would be at the house by the time Gray got home from work. I should tell him before! Definitely before!

I practiced telling my professor why I had to miss class (she was understanding and congratulatory, if you were wondering). I counted the months from my approximation of when I may have conceived and realized we'd be having a summer baby. August, actually. I thought what a perfect month that was to have a new baby.

And that's when I decided I needed to take a pregnancy test. Just to be sure.

So once I'd decided it was kind of, sort of, not really but maybe possible that I could be pregnant, then I started finding other "evidence" to support my theory. Like that we had sex once. And that I missed a couple of days of the pill and didn't start my period.

And BECAUSE I SAID SO.

It was the oddest experience, buying a pregnancy test this time. Last go-round, probably because of all the sex I was having, I felt like the cashier was judging my whoredome and sizing up whether or not I was old enough to be a good mother. This time? It was almost like she rolled her eyes and though, "Girl, puleeeeeze. You ain't pregnant! You be on the pill. Why you be wasting this money? Psh!" Oddly, she was an elderly white woman.

And you know what? She was totally right. I even fucking donated a dollar to juvenile diabetes at the counter thinking maybe that would be a sign of my pregnant-ness. How many people who deprive the kids of a dollar and then go home and piss on a stick and then really regret it? DOZENS, at least.

But no. I wasted that damn dollar on those damn kids, and they're not even mine!! On the up-side, I can get wasted tomorrow without all those pesky developmental side effects.