My Apologies For the Retinal Scarring

Meet: Jane Fonda and her NASCAR-lovin' boy toy, Jed.

Blurry? Check! Inappropriate posture? Check! Way too much lemon vodka? CHECK! Nothing says Happy Halloween like Sing Star, venison and ass-smack circles.

Also, my bra is stuffed with socks and the bottom of my leotard is a bathing suit that I butchered for the occasion. And my hair is one gallon of Aqua Net. Still isn't moving.

I woke up today. VOLUNTARILY. This is something I wasn't sure would ever happen again, not after Saturday night. As much as I love kids, it was probably best I don't have any right now. I would have neglected the shit out of them on Sunday. I didn't even clean my ears with a Q-tip, that's how bad it was.

But this morning, I'm off to assist with the local chapter of Kids Vote! (the exclamation point is literally right there in the name) and I have to be at the Methodist church to set up by 6:45. I know that sounds early, but I'm normally at work by 7:00, so it's no stretch for me. I usually roll out of bed between 5:00 and 5:45 - RELUCTANTLY - to get ready for work.

Today, I woke up at 4:30. A.M.! I realize I can thank the disappearance of Daylight Savings Time (also, remind me to thank you for the darkness to and from work every morning and night for the next six months, motherfucker) but I feel like a warrior princess or something. I literally do not get out of bed voluntarily, EVER.

I either need to buy a lotto ticket or double check my medication.