Tuesday, November 03, 2009

The Trouble With Quitting...

Did I mention that I quit smoking again?

Any by "again", I mean, "AGAIN???" and now the sight of the word "again" has lost all meaning to my brain. Wait, maybe I should specify exactly what I quit smoking here.

I quit smoking cigarettes again-again. Again. Nope, still means nothing.

Anyhow, I finally did it: I got hungover enough that the thought of smoking a cigarette made me gag for two days. (If you need to quit, too, here's the trick: smoke 4 times more than normal in 1/4 of the time and overindulge in adult beverages and lay on the couch moaning for two days )((works like a motherfucking charm, let me tell you)).

When you quit smoking, the first 2 or 3 days of abstinence are the hardest and it feels like someone has ripped a gaping hole in the back of your mind and all you can think about is stuffing that hole full of carcinogens and tobacco and sweet, smokey tendrils of vapor love. But if you're already so hungover that the though of thinking about thoughts means possibly dying and YOU ARE TOO YOUNG TO DIE,...well, then smoking isn't so high up on the list of priorities, you know?

Nevertheless, your lungs feel lonely and too-pink and there are all these random moments during the day when you're not sure what exactly you should be doing with yourself. Like, "Well, just finished up dinner and now I'll just...um...what DO non-smokers do after a meal? The circle is incomplete!"

Not smoking during those designated Cigarette Times feels remarkably similar to when you purposefully walk into the kitchen but then can't remember why you walked into the kitchen, so you just wander around aimlessly from drawer to drawer hoping it will come back to you, and eventually it does, but not until you're in the middle of taking a dump.

Everyone around you is smoking, and they all look pretty damn pleased with themselves. That guy with the cigarette in the car next to you at the stoplight? HE IS TORTURING YOU AND HE KNOWS IT. That movie you've seen 4,000 times but never really noticed before how much the actress smokes until now? THAT BITCH IS TRYING TO DESTROY YOUR LIFE. All those people at all those holiday parties who brave the icy winds and stand outside in a huddle? THEY ARE HAVING MORE FUN THAN YOU.

Tuesday night at 7:40 p.m. when we took a ten minute break from my British Lit class, the flashing neon light behind my eyes kicked on and all I could see was "CIGARETTE TIME! CIGARETTE TIME! Hurry up, it's CIGARETTE TIME!" and all my class friends filed out the door and I stood staring after them, a thin stream of drool connecting my chin to my shoes, until someone asked if I was coming and I muttered, "No, I'm trying to quit."

That, of course, elicited a chorus of "good for yous" from the smokers, but I know from experience that when they say "good for you", they really mean "better you than me, sucker."

And I spent the rest of the break walking in a circle from the water fountain to the door, not sure if I should be seated and pretend to study or if I should try to pee again or if I should get a snack or if I should just FUCKING CAVE AND BEG FOR A CIGARETTE.

Hell, when you're really desperate, a used butt from the ashtray will work just fine.

So I guess this post is my convoluted way of saying, "HOLD ME!" and "THOSE CHUNKS I COUGHED UP WERE ISHY!" and "::incoherent sobs and snortles which indicate my desperate need to suck on something deadly::!"

(Oddly enough, this is the first time I've quit while medicated and I guess I'm not exactly the most impartial judge ever, but I don't think I've been cranky or crabby or moody or violent this time.)((Can't recommend medication enough, ya'll.))

8 comments:

  1. Not to sound redundant but "good for you". I'd invest in sugarfree gum and hard candy if I were you. Smug bitch that I am, I am not the best person to offer advice though because I've never smoked before.

    ReplyDelete
  2. uh... *cough* good for you!

    I really do mean it though!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Quit. Quit Quit Quit. Last night I spoke to my mom, who gave me an update on my gran who has COPD (I'll let you google it). Three years ago her lips and finger tips were going bluish - she's been on oxygen ever since. STILL she smoked. Three times in the hospital for infections in the last six months, and the first 2 times she smoked when she got out. She can't breathe - her body is failing her. All because of those fucking cigarettes. I hate them. I fucking hate them. Sorry for the rant - it's just so damn frustrating to know how much she is suffering.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I know how hard this is from watching friends of mine go through it. I wish you the best in quitting and staying quitted.

    ReplyDelete
  5. My husband just quit and has been struggling with his identity. He was a smoker for so long, he doesn't quite know how to adjust his image of himself. He's also having the "what do I do now?" issues you're having. He's been taking a lot of short walks, like just around the parking lot at our apartment. I think it breaks up his day into little sections similar to the same way cigarettes used to, but it's much healthier. Here's hoping the winter weather doesn't come too soon and ruin things for him!

    ReplyDelete
  6. nobody likes a quitter, so ignore those naysayers and breathe in that gorgeous air.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Unlike most people, I love me a quitter.

    He says I shouldn't call him that, but it's true.

    Also, you should definitely stay quitted this time. I already have several friends whose asses I have to kick every time they stop being quitted, and I'm getting tired.

    ReplyDelete

You.Yeah, you. Speak the fuck up.