Tuesday, September 07, 2010


Remember that time you decided it would be a fantastic idea to purchase a cute little baby cheetah to keep in your purse and carry around with you while you ran errands because everyone would be so distracted by the baby cheetah in your purse that they'd forget to charge you for items like gum and tampons, and also the mail man would give you stamps for free, which is better than winning the lottery because they don't take taxes out of free stamps, so you contacted that guy Nambu, the one from Uruguay who keeps sending you emails about selling your valuable items on the Kenyan version of Ebay, and you asked Nambu if he knew anyone in Uruguay (or Kenya, you're open-minded) who was selling a litter of newborn cheetah kittens and he said no, but he did know a guy in Cameroon who might be able to find a husband for you, but instead you went to the Kenyan version of Ebay yourself and googled "cheetah babies" and you purchased one from the first listing you came to, even though they charged extra for poking air holes in the shoe box, because you are the kind of person who spares no expense for the sake of animals, and then once your baby cheetah arrived, you named her Michele (with only one "l") and you bought her a fur-lined purse to ride around in and you cut a little hole in the purse for Michele's head to stick out so that everyone could see your cute little cheetah baby and go ahead and stop charging you for chapstick, but when you showed Michele to your friends, they were all like, "Um...what are you going to do with that cheetah when it gets too big to carry in your purse?" and, "Is that really safe?" and then you realized that all of your friends were a bunch of assholes for judging your purse cheetah and you tried to explain that this is just how Michele is, and even though they might not always "get" her (you later discovered Michele was a him when he mounted you in the shower), you would appreciate if your friends would support your relationship with your cheetah because it's YOUR CHEETAH.

And then Michele ate your neighbor for breakfast and you realized your friends were right about your cheetah.

That really sucks. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I know exactly how you feel.