Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Happy Mummiversary & Other Tuesday Bullshit

I use Keeley for my own selfish ends and then I discard her without a second glance. You're welcome.

But also, I'm sorry, because I am so totally off my writing game that I cannot even pretend I've *got it* right now. WHAT THE FUCK, ME? This wedding is sucking on my creativity like a whore on overtime, what with all the decisions about linen colors and WHAT SIZE THE CHEESE SLICES SHOULD BE. I am not even kidding. That is an actual question my caterer asked me. CHEESE SIZE. What the hell options do I have? Round cracker sized? Square cracker sized? Toothpick sized? ARE THERE VITAL CHEESE SIZES I AM UNAWARE OF?

Imagine how many brain cells I must have popped just thinking about thinking about something so mundane. And don't even get me started on the poker tables (the green felt does not match the apple green of our "accent table" linens, thus creating a major dilemma for my design guy at the linen rental shop, who ironically seemed totally unconcerned by the color of my face when he gave me the quote for his services).

Also, I am hooked on Etsy.com and I cannot stop buying handmade wedding crafts. CANNOT. The good news is that I single-handedly funded an in-ground pool for the backyard of some lady in Belfast who is hand-stitching my silk and organza flowers. By hand. With her hands. Oh, and if anyone tries to get you to pay an exorbitant amount of money for shipping overseas, you tell them that if Belfast can do it for $6 then so can motherfucking they.

I wrote this post over one year ago on February 11th, and to this day it remains the most-visited page of all time. In fact, my post is #10 when you google "I want 18." Now, if you're wondering why anyone would google "I want 18," just think about it for a second. Roll your mind right off your shoulders and into the filthy gutter. Think.........YES! PORN! Ok, so I get dozens of hits on this post every month and that makes me ever so proud because it means that I completely disappoint every single one of those googlers who are searching for barely-legal porn, probably to the point when they give up masturbating entirely and just have a sandwich instead. I am curing the world of perverts. And also boosting the deli meats industry. Christ, I'm a hero.

(WAIT! I just checked my google analytics and found that my Onion Breath post about Kate Gosselin's custody battle with her hair has exceeded the "I want 18" post by more than 40 hits since AUGUST, which means that the Gosselins are even more powerful than PORNOGRAPHY, people. I am not sure that's the kind of world I want to live in.)

((I just googled "kate gosselin's hair" and got over 6.7 MILLION results. *slits throat*))

Well, today is my very first Mummiversary. Many of you may be scratching your heads and wondering what the hell I'm talking about. I just want to tell you that it makes you look like apes when you do that. I confess that I would have totally forgotten about the anniversary of the de-tombing of Mummy Hand had a co-worker not reminded me, and by "reminded me," I mean that she walked into work and the first thing out of her mouth was, "I thought of you this weekend with all the melting snow and figured it was about a year ago that you broke your arm. Dumb ass." I may have inserted the dumb ass, but I know she was thinking it. Would you like to know how many people have cracked a bike-riding joke at my expense this year? I stopped counting, that's how many.

In addition to the ribbing, I also get many earnest reminders to be careful when riding my bike and to always wear a helmet and to never go out when it's icy. To those people, I say thanks. And suck it. But mostly thanks. And now I must confess that I have NEVER gotten back on the bike since my accident. Not once, not for a second. I promised my dad that I wouldn't ride without a helmet, so that has been my excuse for not riding the bike when really I'm not riding the bike because of the negative fucking association, if you don't mind. But in one way I'm grateful for the experience, and that is because it allowed me to make a bunch of useless shit like this video:

...and it's videos like these that prove useful when I have nothing substantive to write here on this blog and I resort to words like "substantive" simply because they are long and take up more space on the page, which can also be said of some of my other favorite words which are "exsanguinate" and "crustacean" and "compunction" and "conflagrate" and "antidisestablishmentarianism." And "motherfucker."