Monday, December 22, 2008

100!

Yeah, I'm just as surprised as you are. No one believed in my ability to fail miserably and give up blogging as much as I did. I know myself that way, I guess. But today! Is the day! Of my 100th Post! (let's pretend that the 5 posts from 2006 and 2007 count. they count, right? let's pretend there wasn't a full year-and-a-half in between my last post in 2007 and the first post in 2008 - that doesn't matter, right?)

I almost drafted a celebratory post last month when I saw my Edit Posts list was nearing the big 100 - fortunately I took a minute to actually THINK before I acted, which is a new skill I'm honing with the help of my psychiatric team, and I realized that a good 17 of those posts were just drafts of posts that I never published, and even I know those don't count.

So YAY! This is 100!

I thought about doing one of those memes that list 100 Things About Me, but I realized that none of you truly give a shit about what I'm wearing or if I sleep naked. So what I've done instead, is listed 100 of My Most Embarrassing Moments. (oddly, some of them involve what I'm wearing and whether I sleep naked.)

And if you're drinking hot fluids (DIANE) or eating breakfast or involved in anything that may result in choking, snorting, or dying: Please go ahead and read this, and then email and tell me about anything that may have flown out of your nose, because I love knowing that I have a real impact on my readers.

100 - When I replied to "no reply" emails and had to fess up about it
99 - When I blew snot out of my nose at a table full of cute boys in the 6th grade
98 - When, at my first ultrasound, the technician blamed our inability to see a heartbeat on my "very full bowels"
97 - When I comment on someone's blog, then read the comments, and realize someone else already said exactly what I said, and in a funnier way
96 - When my credit card is declined
95 - When my credit card is declined and the clerk makes an announcement about it
94 - When the Victoria Secret workers want me to tell them my bra size out loud
93 - When I leave home without makeup and don't realize it until it's too late to go back
92 - When I start to call someone by the wrong name, but correct it half-way through, making a kind of hybrid name that is totally unrecognizable as an English word
91 - When I'm getting ready in the morning, and I'm on my period, so put in a new tampon, but then forget I'm wearing it, and proceed to walk around naked for the next half hour with a rope hanging out of my lady bits
90 - When I'm out of high-necked shirts to cover the freaking huge MASS of post-D&C zits all over my freaking body, and I have to explain to my co-workers that no, I do not have the chicken pox
89 - When I hit "Publish" when I mean to hit "Save Draft"
88 - When I realize I'm the one with the snotcicle
87 - When I pull up to a curb and scrape the underside of my bumper so loudly that people in two adjacent buildings turn to see if there was a wreck outside
86 - When we have to pay for dinner with dimes and nickles
85 - When I get a collection call about a bill I completely forgot about paying
84 - When I have three glasses of wine and start calling everyone I know to talk about Inflation and Death
83 - When I butt into conversations to add a funny anecdote, then realize they aren't talking about constipation, they're talking about salami
82 - When I get into a debate about the war with a soldier, and realize I have no fucking clue what I'm talking about
81 - When I called my dad to tell him I was engaged to the same man I once called and asked for my dad's help escaping from
80 - When I filed my divorce papers at the city hall in front of a crowded lobby
79 - When I got written up at my last job (along with ten others) for playing a game called, "Guess when Stacy will leave today"
78 - When I got the human resources lecture on bullying (see above)
77 - When I had to talk down a security guard and corral my plastered husband back to our room on the cruise ship on our honeymoon
76 - When I was busted drunken-eavesdropping on my ex and his friends (covered in dirt from laying on the floor underneath a truck)
75 - When I cry in public
74 - When I yell in public
73 - When I have to poop in public bathrooms
72 - When someone tells me I have "stuff" on my pants so I ask them to help brush it off, but realize it's on my ass and they're all horrified at the thought of brushing me there
71 - When I confuse someone's husband with their ex-boyfriend
70 - When I forget to ask parents if I can give their kids candy/gum/whiskey
69 - When I was busted searching my mom's room
68 - When my mom slapped me across the face in front of my boyfriend
67 - When I'm tardy to class
66 - When I was trying to lean back in my chair and tipped over backwards in the 3rd row of a 100+ student lecture hall, in the middle of a lecture
65 - When I fart in my sleep
64 - When I overcook chicken, which is often
63 - When I offer someone dinner and they frantically refuse to eat it
62 - When my pants are too short
61 - When I remove bras/thongs/lingerie from the washer in our apartment laundry room and shock the little old Russian Baptist ladies
60 - When we get yet another memo about "prohibited" activities in our building, activities that we've been engaged in, and for which the memo was necessary
59 - When I wore The cat piss sweater
58 - When I forget to shave my armpits and then wear a cap-sleeved shirt
57 - When I go to Fantasy Gifts to buy porn and they ask for my ID
56 - When I was in Vermont with my ex, and we didn't have a credit card, and the rental car place wouldn't loan us a car, so we had to call the DJ from Drive 105 who gave us the trip to Vermont, and he had to leave a party on Friday night, drive to his office, and fax a form authorizing the rental place to use his personal credit card so we could rent the car and not be stranded in Vermont
55 - When I forget my dear friends' birthdays (forgive me Neenee!)
54 - When I eat something spicy and then proceed to smelly-burp all night long, in public, especially in close-quarters
53 - When I tripped on the treadmill, did a flip in the air, landed on my back on the still-moving belt, slid off onto the floor, did a backwards somersault, had a stranger jump to my rescue while my ex laughed his ass off on the other side of the room
52 - When I had to go back to that same gym, get back on the same treadmill, and pretend I didn't realize all those same people were there watching to see if I'd do it again
51 - When I got pulled over for driving with no headlights
50 - When I called 911 about a drunk driver, then changed my mind at the last second and hung up, and they called back because the connection had already been made
49 - When I was at lunch with a co-worker and he confessed that he was gay but that he wanted to keep it a secret at the office, and I didn't know what to say because NO SHIT SHERLOCK, everyone already knows you're gay
48 - When fat people complain about being fat because they want me to contradict them, and I don't know what to say because yeah, they're fat (but I love them anyway) so anything I say will be total bullshit and they know it
47 - When I was eleven and visiting my dad in California for the first time as a "woman", and I had to tell him that we needed to go to the store and buy pads
46 - When my dad's face turned eleven shades of red and he almost had a heart attack and died (see above)
45 - When I was 18 and my dad interrogated me about my birth control, and then proceeded to tell me that he and his wife "double up" on methods to ensure they don't have any more kids
44 - When my mom does almost anything when we are anywhere with anyone
43 - When I have to do karaoke or look like a stuck-up jackass
42 - When I asked for directions as I stood outside the very building I was trying to find
41 - When I try to tell a joke and can't remember the punch line or the plot or anything about the joke, but try to salvage the joke by adding, "Oh god it was so funny, really!" like somehow telling them that the joke was funny is enough to actually make them laugh
40 - When they laugh (see above) because the only reason they could be laughing is that I'm a giant moron who tried to tell a joke I know nothing about
39 - When I talk about how awesome a movie is, how funny, how sad, how touching - and then I force the person to watch the movie with me, and I realize it's really a shitty movie
38 - When I have to go to the bathroom in the middle of a movie, which requires walking past a bunch of strangers, trying not to sit in their laps, not tripping on the stairs in the dark, and then finding your original seat upon returning
37 - When I can't find my original seat upon returning (see above)
36 - When I trip UP the stairs
35 - When I go out of order at a 4-way stop, but don't realize it's out of order until I'm already through the intersection
34 - When other drivers flip me off
33 - When I misspell "pens" as "penis" on a paper for school
32 - When the professor leaves a smiley face by my misspelled word (see above)
31 - When the situation warrants my visiting the bathroom multiple times in a short time period, and my co-workers are visibly intrigued by the frequency of my visits
30 - When the auditors ask to see a particular invoice, and it's the one invoice that isn't anywhere to be found
29 - When I start to get comfortable with a co-worker and no longer know where the boundary between "appropriate" and "are you out of your fucking mind" lies, so I tell them a story about something they don't want to know, and they quickly change the subject and then never speak to me again
28 - When I try to regain that co-worker's friendship in a pandering and stalkery manner
27 - When, as a waitress, I brought food to the wrong table
26 - When, as a waitress, I dropped plates, spilled food, dumped drinks, and otherwise ruined a perfectly good dining experience for anyone who was directly responsible for the percentage of my tips that day
25 - When, as a waitress, I was taking a drink order from a large woman who apparently needed to nurse her infant RIGHT THAT MOMENT, pulled up her shirt to her neck, picked up one massive breast and SET IT ON THE TABLE, then stuck her child onto the breast and proceeded to order a cherry pepsi
24 - When I had to apologize to all the other patrons for the gratiutous boobage (see above) when their children asked, "What's that mommy?"
23 - When another patron asked what the boob-woman was eating, it looked good - and I had to explain that she hadn't ordered food yet, she was nursing her baby with her boob on the table.
22 - When I wasn't asked to go to prom one during high school
21 - When my grandmother threw a fit that I wasn't going to prom and I had to pretend like it was my choice
20 - When I gleek at the table and people notice
19 - When I have cold sores
18 - When I gained a little weight and all my pants were visibly distressed at having to accomodate my big ass
17 - When I went to a water park with my cousins, went down the huge slide, and had my bathing suit top fly off and land several feet behind me
16 - When my hot cousin, his friend, and a group of strangers witnessed my top fly off on the water slide
15 - When my ex's cousin slipped on the stairs and fell loudly, and everyone at the party shouted, "OH MY GOD WAS THAT CAT? DID SHE GET WINE ON THE CARPET?"
14 - When I tried to eliminate my widow's peak by shaving it off
13 - When my crush asked why I shaved my widow's peak off
12 - When my orthodontist asked me, "How'd you break your nose?" every single fucking time I went to see him over the course of 4 fucking years
11 - When I misspelled the word "distinct" in the third grade spelling bee, on stage in front of the entire school, because I was convinced it was one of those "trick words"
10 - When I cried (see above)
9 - When my aunt busted me looking at my cousin's Playboys
8 - When I light the filter of a cigarette by mistake
7 - When I broke Gray
6 - When I tried to talk dirty for the first time and kept saying "undies"
5 - When a co-worker had something on his shirt and I didn't say anything to him about it, but he called me ten minutes later to yell at me because he saw me staring at his shirt and went straight to the bathroom to see what I was staring at, and how could I not have told him about the thing on his shirt?
4 - When I went back and re-read this list just now (in anticipation of you people reading all of this)
3 - When I'm on the phone and I choke on my own spit and have a coughing attack, and even once that's over, I still can't talk and the person on the other end of the line is asking if I'm ok
2 - When I was getting a gynecological exam at a free clinic downtown, and the nurse let go of the speculum to do something else with her hands, and I could feel it slowly slipping out but I didn't know what to say (um, the metal object you're attempting to violate me with is going to squirt out of my pudunda at any moment lady), so I just kind of tried to flex those muscles and hold onto it, but the flexing had the opposite effect, and the speculum went flying across the room and clattered on the floor
1 - When the nurse said I had good muscle tone (see above)

Now that I'm utterly mortified myself, my work here is done. If you'd like to participate by commenting about YOUR most embarrassing moment, I would be much less likely to stick my head in the oven later.