The new and improved finger.

My new toy from Edenfantasys.com has been ORDERED.

I bought the Chandra. Sounds like a stripper. Contemplated several other options, but some of the dirtier stuff...well, I've been watching a Friends marathon today, and it seemed wrong of me to order anal beads while Joey watched.

Review coming soon, and one lucky (sick ass) reader is going to win a $50 gift card of their own to Edenfantasys.com.

Toys, yes. For kids? Not so much.

I've gotten several product review/giveaway offers from companies recently. The most offensive offer I received was from Fisher-Price.

I say offensive because...SERIOUSLY? CHILDREN'S TOYS + THIS BLOG = A VERY ICY, FROZEN HELL.

Dear Cat ,

                       Fisher-Price® is inviting the readers and followers of Zipbag of Bones to enter into The Little People™ Animal Sounds Contest calls on parents to submit a video of their child demonstrating his or her best roar, grrrr or squawk (oh my!) for the chance to win a $10,000 cash prize and a trip to Fisher-Price headquarters in East Aurora, N.Y. for a special photo shoot!

Fisher-Price is thrilled to launch a contest of this magnitude that also gives people the chance to submit their entries via an iPhone® or Android™ mobile device and taps into social media trends by encouraging consumers to share their video links on Facebook and ask

 their friends and families to vote.

Thank you for your kind consideration and I look forward to

working with you on this exciting contest!

Best,

Ariel

Abramowitz Freeman Public Relations

An email to which, of course, I replied:

Deal Ariel,

You've never actually visited my blog, have you?

That is such a nice offer, really it is, but any parents who might read my blog are the kind who would sell their kids' toys for drugs. Or sex. Or possibly DVDs.

As much as I love the little ones making animal noises, I'd be laughed out of the B-o-sphere.
--
Yes, that smell is me,
Cat
***

I didn't get a response.

So that was unfortunate. But you WILL be interested to know I'll be doing another product review for EdenFantasys soon. Sex toys! WOOT! It's been a long time since I've reviewed one of their toys, and I'm thinking it's time to mix it up...maybe something I've never tried before. Maybe something Gray has never tried before. Maybe even something I'm...gulp...afraid of.

OR maybe I'll review one of the free toys they gave me at BlogHer. Only time (and my vagina) will tell.

And, of course, with the product review will be a product giveaway to one very sick, twister reader of mine. So stay tuned for that.

A Librarian Eating Another Woman's Cheeseburger. Shocking.

So I thought my blog anniversary was in August. Now I remember making this same mistake last year, actually, but I didn't remember soon enought to avoid spreading misinformation amongst the women of #BlogLove at the European Marketplace hosted by the lovely ladies of Love Feast Table, Chris Ann and Kristin.

Fortunately for me, the guests of said event were all drinkingwine and so are very unlikely to A) care that I lied to their faces or B) remember what the hell I'm even talking about.

What I'm saying is that my blogging anniversary is not until next month. That means I'm exactly a month LESS creative than I thought. Which doesn't surprise me, when I think about it, I am surprised that I HAVE a blogging anniversary because one of my strong suits is starting projects I never finish. But enough of that for now, because it's time for one very lucky lady to dig into my cheeseburger.

Wow. Turns out you CAN over-play the homosexual innuendo card. Good to know.

Congratulations to both Brett of It Was Dark, Stormy and I Lost My Serial Comma (who has the longest blog name in the history of the world and who also won the Johnny Rockets prize but declined because he's too lazy to actually use the coupon and probably already fat enough, and told me to give it to someone else) as well as Michele the sexy librarian from It's a Dog's Life (to whom I'm happy to give this card because she faithfully stuck by my blog during the weeks and weeks of wedding-induced Not Posting At All as well when even my IRL friends decided googling Justin Beiber was more interesting than waiting around for me, as well as because Michelle loves to cook beautiful food and post pictures of her awesome cookiness and those pictures make me feel bad about myself and my endless parade of taco nights, and therefore Michele spending a night NOT cooking is basically the same thing as it being my birthday, except with less cake).

So congratulations to Michele (and kinda to Brett) and we'll just sit back and see how long it takes her to decide whether or not she reeeeeeeally wants to give me her actual home address.*

*I just read her post form this morning and it turns out she's on a diet. All I can say is HAHAHA. Fatty gonna eat a cheeseburger.

Who Doesn't Love Cheeseburgers?

Gray and I went to a Chinese restaurant for our one month anniversary last Saturday (although technically our anniversary is TODAY, we waited four Saturdays and then decided we wanted to eat our frozen wedding cake, and the only way to really justify that was to say that Saturday was our anniversary, and therefore today is just the calendar anniversary. The logic of impatient sweet teeth.) Anyway, because we're so broke, we used gift cards to pay for our dinner, which was kind of the point of the gift cards, but still made me feel cheap.

Apparently Jesus agreed, because we got two fortune cookies but only one fortune: Gray's cookie was empty of everything except calories, like someone was saying, "You broke motherfuckers only get ONE and you have to SHARE." Or maybe now that we're married, that's how it goes with everything from herpes to credit card debt to fortune cookies.

In any case, the one fortune we got said, "If you continually give you will continually have." Which is kind of like kicking us when we're down, if you ask me, because clearly we don't have anything to give at the moment (THE RAMEN IS ALL MINE), but that's when I remembered that I have a coupon for a free burger meal at Johnny Rockets, and even though I could go to the Mall of Hysteria and use this coupon for myself, I'd probably better appease the fortune cookie gods and just fucking give it away. So I can have.

Also, the Chinese word on the back of the fortune was "mouth" so it's kind of appropriate. Plus, since BlogHer I've been working on Empowing my Vagina (yes, I said "empow"), and therefore should share my cheeseburger with all of you, right?

Right.

So if you'd like to win this fabulous coupon for Johnny Rockets (single hamburger or any sandwich, American fries and a soda pop), be sure to comment below and LEAVE A CONTACT EMAIL so I can let you know if you win. I'm not sure how long I'll wait to draw names, and I'm not going to give you any rules whatsoever.

Just leave a fucking comment, is that so hard?

Fun With Feathers Winner

Congratulations to Lacey of Don't Make Drugs (aka The Tortured Optimist) for winning the Fun With Feathers giveaway!

I'm sending Lacey a copy of Rosie Red Bottom for her reading pleasure. I'm considering enclosing in the package a zip bag full of my hairs (in case I ever go missing and they need my DNA to identify my charred, toothless remains)((seriously, if there was ever a reason to get breast implants, corpse identification is it!)), and possibly some other little body parts...er...I mean trinkets.

Thanks to everyone who entered the giveaway. Losers.

In remembrance of the date today, I'm not going to post anything else because everything that could be said about 9/11 has already been said, and the best I can do is leave the Internet alone for a while.

You're welcome.

Did They Run From Their Own Mortality or Was It the Skidmark?

So with the publishing of my last post, I've unwittingly shoved two of my legion right over the edge of the Interweb into the dreaded vortex known as Pushing The Unfollow Button, an action which I'm told leads to herpes and cankles, so TAKE THAT you two. Once I've alienated the rest of you, my work here will be complete.

I wanted to remind all of you brave (morally corrupt) remaining (people who skip over me in their Reader) souls (pretend you're not dead inside) that you still have one day to enter my giveaway. And it's not even a used vibrator I'm giving away this time. It's an autographed, first edition copy of my aunt's book Rosie Red Bottom.

So, yeah. I started classes again last week, and I've been trying to think of the best way to describe my thoughts about this new semester so far, which is kind of hard because how do you begin to convey the effect that Sonnet 19 has upon your understanding of the definition of human sexuality?

Or your interpretation of the oral traditions of the pre-literate, pagan Germanic raiding tribes in which women were passed around like some kind of peace pipe?

Or your astonishment to learn that there are only four Anglo-Saxon manuscripts upon which we've base our entire English literary tradition for the last 1,000 years and how one of them almost burned in a fire in the 18th century and therefore would have been lost forever?

YOU DON'T begin to explain those things, mostly because nobody gives a fuck, you giant nerd. So let me put it to you this way:

My Shakespeare professor said "gay porn" on our first night of class*. THAT'S how awesome my classes are this semester.**

*What he actually said was "Cape Horn", but it took me about 20 beats to realize he wasn't comparing 16th century Atlantic seafarer's contributions to the emerging literary climate during the Renaissance...to Chicks with Dicks. Seriously, say it aloud to yourself. You'll understand my confusion.

**In other words, it's the first time I've ever truly been excited about what I am learning. It's THAT good.

Fun With Feathers (no, not THAT way, you sick freaks) Giveaway

My first Blogiversary is coming up on September 4th.

That's right, I've made it one whole entire fucking year. THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY FIVE DAYS, YO! and I'd like to apologize to all my faithful readers for subjecting you to the horror that is Zipbag of Bones.

All of those names that I've called you? All the vicious rumors I've started about you (wait, I don't think I told you about those. never mind.)? All the offensive remarks that I made about your mothers and your penises? I am SO sorry.

But really, no I'm not. Dumbasses.

In honor of this ridiculously unlikely occasion, the occasion of me actually following through with something, I'd like to send one lucky Zipbag of Bones reader a very special AUTOGRAPHED, first edition publication.

It's a book called Rosie Red Bottom (A Comedian With Feathers), and it debuted in July to rave reviews! This book, written by my very own Aunt, Donna Mann, is about the adventures of an African Grey Parrot named Rosie who perches with her human family in Wasilla, AK (yes, she CAN see Russia from there), and includes tips, tricks, resources and strategies for anyone considering adding a bird to their household.

Aunt Donna really encouraged my writing habit when I was a kid, helped me copy my stories, type cover letters, find publishers, and send my brain-spew far and wide - a very exciting endeavor for a ten-year-old literature junkie. She also busted me looking at my first Playboy.

And now she has an actual book (and a blog!) of her own, with pages and chapters and a cover and EVERYTHING, and I'm very proud to have a published writer in the family.

I know the subject matter of Rosie Red Bottom is just slightly a-typical for this website (you're usually more likely to find inter species porn banter than inter species co-habitation manuals) but I figured what better way to celebrate my first year of successfully disturbing and offending the Interweb than to give away an actual book!

So to anyone in the U.S. or Canada (I guess I think I'm made of money)((or maybe I'm drunk)), there are two ways to enter this awesome giveaway:

1. Leave a comment on this post between now and Friday, September 4th at 12:00 p.m. noon Minnesota (aka Lutheran) time.
   
2. Tweet this contest and tag with #RedBottom between now and Friday, September 4th at 12:00 p.m. noon Minnesota (hot dish) time. YOUR TWEET MUST BE TAGGED!

You can have up to two entries in the giveaway, one for each entry type, but if you leave two comments, it will count as just one entry, and if you tag two tweets, it will count as just one entry. I'll delete duplicates because I'm an evil bitch like that.

I'll use randomizer.org to pick a winner after the deadline! And then I'll taunt the rest of you losers, unless you want to nominate me for a Nobel Peace Prize for all the good humanitarian work I'm doing here at Zipbag of Bones, or a Lifetime Achievement Award for all of the bottles of wine I'm single-handedly consumed, in which case I'll draw a second place, phallic-shaped trophy and fax it over to you.

Because I'm a giver.

BON CHANCE, TOUT LE MONDE!

Miss Yvonne: Bnaughty By Nature

Congratulations to the winner of a Bnaughty by BSwish, courtesy of Drew and Eden Fantasys: Miss Yvonne of Yo Mama's Blog from DFW, Texas!!

I used this random generator to pick a winner from the 16 unique entries to my Sex Toy Giveaway, and Miss Yvonne was lucky #14! I stopped over by her place today and see that she's got a little giveaway of her own going on at her blog, one which is vastly less erotic but also much funnier. I mean...who doesn't want to chew a mullet, truly?

At first, I was somewhat disheartened by the lack of participation in my vibrator fest here at Zipbagofbones. Don't you people like yourselves? Or were you all taught to be ashamed of your body like I was? Did you mother also tell you that touching yourself was naughty? Because I'll tell ya, if she's anything like my mother, she talked out the one side of her mouth and she had Playboys and pot hidden in her bedroom.

I was sad for you people and your mummified, cob-webby lady bits. That is...until I check my Googly Analytics report and saw that 111 people stopped here JUST to read my review of the Bnaughty, and the average time spent on that particular page was over 2 minutes, so basically long enough to fiddle yourselves, so clearly there are more dirty sluts out there than you would have us believe.

Also, I've got news for you people who read but do not play: Jesus knows you read my blog, so I don't think you'll get any points for not entering my giveaway.

Congrats, Miss Yvonne - be sure to email me for details about collecting your considerabl(y pleasurable) prize!

Because I Care About Your Private Parts

Drew G. from Eden Fantasys is a total pimp.

When he asked me to review a sex toy on this blog, I was like, "Where have you been all my life?" and he said that he was busy rockin' mullet in New Jersey and trying to get into girls' pants, and he was also really into stamp collecting, and then I told him that I used to collect stamps too, and since we were like long-lost twins, that he should surprise me and send me something he thinks I might like, but then I clarified that I didn't want anything butt-related because I only like watching anal porn and would prefer to retain my "exit only" status, so he sent me the Bnaughty to try for myself, and basically proved that the Internet knows way too much about me, because it's exactly what I would have chosen for myself, which means he knocked it out of the park. Or, to put it into stamp collecting terms, his selection hadn't even been licked yet, or anything.

Hi, I'm Cat. I over-share in a public venue, and then I tell Jesus that he's boring. Welcome to my blog.

So I got this bullet-style vibrator last week - it was delivered to the management office at our apartment building while I was at work, and for those of you who enjoy your privacy (obviously I have no concept of such a thing), I'm happy to report that the package was unrecognizable for what it truly was, and very well could have been a sheet of vintage Sinatra stamps that I bought on EBay. As funny as I think a giant cock-n-balls would be, stamped on the front of the box, shocking and awing everyone it encounters from NJ to MN, the package was very discreet.

Inside the Bnaughty box, I found an instruction pamphlet, which was disappointing in that it was not product-specific, which can be confusing as fuck to morons such as myself, and said something along the lines of, "If your product is waterproof, take care to dry the vibrator thoroughly after use and remove the batteries," which sparked a 30 minute panic attack over whether or not it would actually electrocute me to death if I took it into the bathtub. The box clearly said water-proof, but the instructions didn't back that up, and I tend to dwell on insignificant details like the possibility of electrocution.

Once that was all sorted out, I found the enclosed drawstring storing pouch which is awesome because I never know exactly where to store my vibrators but this one was like STORE ME HERE, DUMBASS, and also because it's like Crown Royal for your clit.

So I think the purpose of a vibrator with a remote control is probably so that you and your partner can play together, and there's an element of surprise because you don't know if he/she will kick the level from 1 up to 2, or jump all the way up to 4 but bring it back down to 1 at just the right moment to drive you crazy. It's like playing the lotto with a guaranteed cash prize. I've never had a "two can play" vibrator before, so this one was a lot of fun. I think it would be better if it were wireless because the cord is slightly constraining, but Gray didn't seem to mind because he loves anything that comes with a "clicker".

It, in fact, did not electrocute me in the tub. Which is, you know, a plus. It also gave me my first completely submerged 'gasm, which is also a plus.

We're moving right now, and it doubled as a kick-ass egg scrambler when I couldn't find my whisk the other day. Fluffiest damn eggs I've EVER had. I've also been using it to massage my aching rib at night. It's the perfect size to really get into a specific knot and go to town. I'm not sure that's what BSwish had in mind when they created the Bnaughty, but they might consider marketing this sex toy to athletes and physical therapists. They could call it the Bknotty.

OVERALL RATING: Four stars out of five!

I'm more of a "manual" kind of girl because vibrators tend to make me itchy afterwards, but if you're a fan of the battery-operated orgasm, this is a really fun one that would travel well and could probably be used in public pretty easily. Hmmm, that's an idea...I'm writing this from a coffee house right now....

Anyway, now for the BEST PART! Drew the pimp and Eden Fantasys are going to send one lucky reader their VERY! OWN! BNAUGHTY! You want it, I know you totally do! Bow chicka bow wow...UH!

Ok, so you have to live in either the U.S. or Canada to enter this giveaway, and you must be at least 21 years old. Them's just the regulations for this kind of thing, like it or like it. If you're foreign and young...NO SEX TOY FOR YOU!

Everyone else, leave a comment on this post and tell me: What's Your Favorite Sex Toy? If you don't have one, you're lame, but you can still enter the giveaway. I'm going to take entries from today, June 28th, until midnight (Minnesota time) on Sunday, July 5th, 2009.

(Also, please keep in mind that if you're one of those people who's profile is set to No-Reply Comment? You will need to be sure and include contact information in your comment/entry. If I can't find you? Your entry will be DELETED, even if I know who you are, because I'm lazy like that.)

Until then, you know what I'll be doing. I un-earthed my box of porn yesterday.

Good luck!