I still don't understand how the Internet works

Every once in a while, I get curious about visitors to Zippy. What kind of freaks are you? Fortunately, there's a way to find out.

These are my Google Analytics scores going back to the beginning of this blog:

 

17,099 unique page views

2 mins 52 seconds average time on site
77.03% bounce rate

 

At first, it seems like a lot of page views, but then I look at the Content stats, which show that I've drawn lots of readers who had no interest in my blog, so they left right away.

 

The same is true when I check out the keyword search terms, because I'm pretty sure the guy who came to Zipbagofbones by googling, "Labia weights" didn't intend to find this post.

 

Naturally, I like to try to imagine which of my content pages got pegged by Google search to pull up a result which led a stranger to my blog. Labia was an easy guess, but what about "activia and anal fissures"? What about "how to break my arm"?

I MUST KNOW.

So now, we're going to play Let's Match That Google Search Keyword To A Post From This Blog!

To start us off, please welcome My Most Common Google Search Term:

• i want 18 (and other variations like iwant18, iwant 18, 1 want18.com, et. al.)

Variations of "i want 18" has been my number one search traffic generator for as long as I've had access to a computer. Which, if you read the post that started it all, makes you realize exactly how long and how often I irritate horny teenage-lovers everywhere. Awesome.

Here are some others. I literally searched these terms in my blog dashboard, and I had exact matches for all of these. I really should pay more attention to what I'm saying...

• eating feces
• kanye west toilet
• xxx
• kate gosselin pink cowboy hat
• midget joke
• christmas wedgie
• really sick shit This post also explains the search keywords "fursuit fetish, fursuit fetish story, and fursuit fetish gang bang.
• una's dwarf
• i smell bad
• "a mean meatball"
• i wear my sisters clothes
• scary bush baby (bush baby scary)

As I discovered last time, clearly, I am NOT what you people are looking for. And that makes me feel complete inside.

Miss Yvonne: Bnaughty By Nature

Congratulations to the winner of a Bnaughty by BSwish, courtesy of Drew and Eden Fantasys: Miss Yvonne of Yo Mama's Blog from DFW, Texas!!

I used this random generator to pick a winner from the 16 unique entries to my Sex Toy Giveaway, and Miss Yvonne was lucky #14! I stopped over by her place today and see that she's got a little giveaway of her own going on at her blog, one which is vastly less erotic but also much funnier. I mean...who doesn't want to chew a mullet, truly?

At first, I was somewhat disheartened by the lack of participation in my vibrator fest here at Zipbagofbones. Don't you people like yourselves? Or were you all taught to be ashamed of your body like I was? Did you mother also tell you that touching yourself was naughty? Because I'll tell ya, if she's anything like my mother, she talked out the one side of her mouth and she had Playboys and pot hidden in her bedroom.

I was sad for you people and your mummified, cob-webby lady bits. That is...until I check my Googly Analytics report and saw that 111 people stopped here JUST to read my review of the Bnaughty, and the average time spent on that particular page was over 2 minutes, so basically long enough to fiddle yourselves, so clearly there are more dirty sluts out there than you would have us believe.

Also, I've got news for you people who read but do not play: Jesus knows you read my blog, so I don't think you'll get any points for not entering my giveaway.

Congrats, Miss Yvonne - be sure to email me for details about collecting your considerabl(y pleasurable) prize!

Clearly Not What You People Are Looking For

Google Analytics. Demonstrating daily (with graphs! charts! primary colors!) that I am most definitely not what you people are looking for. I have a very high bounce rate, and while I know that sounds like a great thing to the lay people, I can assure you that in Blog Land, a high bounce rate is not a desirable thing. We want people to pull up a chair and stay a while. Kick around our blog. Read our archives. Be inspired to lick their monitors.

Also...I'm beginning to think that either you people are the speediest of the speed readers, or you just scroll down to the comment section and mark your territory without actually reading my posts. Because the average time spent on my site is like 1 minute and 4 seconds. Now I KNOW I'm more long-winded that 1 minute 4 seconds will allow for, but I'm going to go ahead and give you the benefit of the doubt because your time is being averaged with that of the people who stop by here accidentally.

People like those two dozen or so who were sent to this post by doing a Google search for "XXX". I'm pretty sure those folks were disappointed when they arrived here at my blog. Which is awesome! Because as much as I love me some porn, I feel that if you want real quality money shots (which by the way are NOT the hottest part of the flick for women, at least women I know), you have to invest a little money. Perhaps begin an at-home collection of your own. Surfing the web for porn is bound to result in viruses on your computer. Cyber STDs burn more than you might imagine.

This one has me totally stumped: "gage gift shit pills". I know I've said all four of those words here, but I don't think they go together logically as something that person was looking for.

"Shit" and "gift"? Sure, of course.

"Gift" and "pills"? Probably.

But those four together, in that sequence. I just can't imagine what that person was trying to find, nor why (when I tried it myself) it might be common enough that there are 211,000 hits on Google. Is this some kind of thing the kids are doing now? Because I'm all about trying new things involving shit. Or pills.

This one is my favorite because...well...because don't we ALL really want to know the answer to this question?

"what is katherine getting me for my birthday in bentonville that probably costs less than 100 dollars and is awesome apparently".

I can tell that person, from experience, that anything katherine may have bought you in bentonville for under $100? Came from Wal-mart.

I'm just saying, keep the receipt if you want any chance in hell of returning it.